Page 36 of Falling for Fury

“Ooooo, want company?”

“No.” She winces at my short tone and I have instant regret. “I mean, no thanks. I just need to clear my head and… well, you know our morning personalities hate each other.” I try, and fail, to add some humor to the last line.

“Ahh. No worries, babe. I hope you’re okay.” She rubs my shoulder, leveling me with a soft smile, then heads for the kitchen, and I leave for the hiking track.

The hiking track was quiet, the air fresh like every year. Spring is everywhere, the view clear, and the sun coats the distance like a warm blanket over the pretty green hills. At the top of the second highest track is a lookout over the lake and the mountains beyond; it is breathtaking. There is a bench seat right on the edge, and I park myself there for a few minutes. Or maybe hours. I’ve lost count at this point. My eyes closed, head leaning back on the seat as the sun warms my face, and the wind lightly kisses my skin. Breathe.

I try to ground myself, remembering the hard work I have done for myself.

You have people around you that love you. Rosie, Casey, Ava, Mia, Riley, Matt. Jessie, in his own way.

Remembering the mantras and the techniques that my last few therapy sessions taught me.

You are significant.

The last few weeks have been filled with such negative internal monologues it feels strange, yet refreshing, to try to replace them.

You are powerful. Loveable. Intelligent.

You. Are. Significant.

I remember now, my therapist telling me that every time I have one of those thoughts that are sent from that barricaded part of my mind, to throw one of my own back at it.

So much to live for. So much pain would be felt if I left.

So why is it so hard to believe it? I wish… it feels selfish to feel and think this way, but I wish I had someone in my corner who just got it. Who knows that a few quick tricks don’t change my brain chemistry. Who knows that a hug, a walk, fresh air, and water don’t suddenly make me feel like living is worth it. For everyone who is ‘in my corner’, I have to placate them. Dull down the severity of my issues so I don’t scare them. So they don’t feel guilt over my sadness, so they don’t sit there for the next ten minutes giving me solutions that are just annoying. Or, god forbid, try to put me in a care facility like Mom tried.

Noah gets it.

I shrug off the thought. Noah doesn’t get to take up space in this moment.

The need for a fresh start, to wipe the slate clean, is so tangible. How much easier would life be to enter a world where no one knew me? I could be whoever I wanted to be, and no one would be the wiser. No one would walk on eggshells, afraid to be the cause of an episode. No one would look at me with pitying eyes, wondering how long I’d last until I break. No one will make me feel good things and then just turn and leave, ‘see you soon, Addison.’ I scoff at the memories and shake my head.

I will be that for me.

I can be my own person. Be in my own corner. I have to be—what other option do I have?

“Hey stranger, fancy seeing you out here.”

“Aunt Dadi!” Mia yells and throws herself on my lap, Matt following and sitting on the seat beside me.

“Hello, munchkin.” I grip on to Mia as she wraps her little body around me. Mia’s hugs are always the best. Five-year-olds have the purest of hearts, and those hugs are packed full of love. I kiss the top of her head, and she relaxes into an embrace as we settle in. I turn to look at Matt. Ugh, I know that look. I roll my eyes at him.

“I didn’t even say anything.”

“You didn’t have to,” I grunt out. “Go on, then… say whatever it is. I am surprised your blonde handler isn’t out here with you.” Matt laughs under his breath.

“My manhood would be grateful if you could at least pretend that I run the show.” His face is all humor, and damn if he doesn’t make it hard to hide my smirk. “We’re just worried about you, is all.” He knocks my shoulder, but I keep my gaze on the view, twirling Mia’s curls in my fingers as she plays with the zip on my jacket. “A lot of things were said. We just… wanted to see how you were. If you needed to talk.” One day, everyone is going to forget about all this bullshit and realize how fucking strong I am. If it’s the last thing I do. Holding Mia is about the only thing keeping my temper down at this point. The only thing stopping me from growling the words I really want to say, I am not some fragile piece of glass with handle-with-care plastered on my forehead.

“I’m fine,” is all I grunt out. Matt assesses me, and I can see the look in his eyes. He is under orders to get more out of me, and it’s setting my veins on fire.

“Matt, I am not a child. If you want to ask me a question, then just fu—dging ask me.” I correct quickly, realizing there is an impressionable child in my arms. Matt doesn’t waste time, about the only thing I appreciate about this conversation.

“Ava mentioned she interrupted a conversation between you and Henry, she said you looked upset after, and was worried because you’d been gone for so long. She and Riley went with Vicky and Lillian to the mall, so I figured I’d come find you and see if you want to hang. Take your mind off things.”

“Dad tried to apologize.”

“For yesterday?”

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