Page 22 of Falling for Fury

“I get it, I do. I love you girls, and thank you. But I don’t want to talk about it. There is nothing to talk about.” I leave no room for negotiation.

“Well, shall we eat pancakes?” Rosie plasters her usual mischievous smile to her face as Casey turns back to the stove. Rosie gives me a quick once over, squeezing my hand reassuringly. I know they’ll be there for me when I need it, but really, I am okay. Totally fine.

I’m going to need some brain food for my lecture in the afternoon, anyway. “Let’s.” My shoulders release some tension, grateful the girls dropped it.

I spend the rest of the morning with the girls. My lecture isn’t until 3pm, Casey says she has no classes today, and Rosie has her RDO, but I’m half of the belief they took the morning off to hang with me. We head out to the bookstore on the corner of our block, do some grocery shopping together, and stop at a new café a few blocks away to try out the coffee. Casey has a thing for trying the weirdest or quirkiest options on a coffee menu just for fun. This time it was a Maple-Bacon infused latte. She wasn’t impressed.

By lunch time, my soul feels a little more replenished and my heart feels a little more together, but it doesn’t escape me that the girls do their best to never leave me alone and try to cheer me up at every opportunity.

We make it back to the apartment and we fall to the couch, satisfied with our stroll about the city and our latest book purchases.

“We should quit our jobs and do this every day,” Rosie declares.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself there. We enjoyed today because we have jobs.” Casey and I chuckle.

“Sooo… how’s Noah? Have you heard from him?” Casey says gently from next to me.

God, I was trying not to think about him.

“Uhhhh.” I groan and close my eyes. I escaped one emotional conversation today. Might as well placate them with something.

“I texted him. Thanked him for… being nice, I guess. He asked to go for drinks. I asked for a rain check.” Rosie scoffs and throws her head to the back of the couch, and Casey remains deep-in-thought as she lets me continue.

“I don’t really know what to think. We can’t really date. I’m barely holding it together enough to keep my grades respectable. I can’t open myself up to all the bullshit that comes with dating, at least not right now. Especially after JJ said some things. He might be an ass, but he isn’t exactly wrong. I don’t think a boyfriend, or dating in general, is something I need right now.” And with Noah just oozing sex, I don’t think I could really be a friend, at least one that isn’t drooling over him.

“What are you talking about?! Why won’t you just give it a chance? Leave your mind open and just see what happens?” Rosie slams her hands down on the couch as though she has had enough. I give her a cheeky smile in return.

“Babe, you have been single and untouched for twelve months, just take a chance. What is the worst that could happen, really?” she continues.

“Rosie is right. You were hurt, Jake was a dick, but that doesn’t mean every guy you ever meet is going to be the same. JJ also doesn’t know what he is talking about; he is emotionally stunted. Give the guy a chance to defend himself against JJ’s onslaught. It doesn’t mean that if you open yourself up, it will end the same. Didn’t you say, ‘fresh start’? You can’t go into a fresh start with prejudices placed down by people whose opinions you don’t even care about anymore,” Casey chimes in, and her words sting. They aren’t exactly wrong, but because I do care about JJ. Sometimes if I let myself remember how close we used to be, and how much we used to talk about, I think I will start crying all over again.

“Yeah, but what if it does? What happens if he does hurt me? Isn’t it my fault if I knew it would happen and I just let it?” I give them my genuine fear, not hiding the anger in my tone.

“Argghh, you hurt my brain! It’s a drink, not a fucking marriage proposal!” Rosie screams as she throws her head back and pulls on her face.

My heart sinks a little. Moments like these are stark reminders that I really am alone in my anxiety. They might think they talk sense, but my brain couldn’t give two shits. I’m hell bent on overthinking, and there just isn’t anything they or I can do to stop it.

Casey rolls her eyes at Rosie but continues. “Ads, your fears are valid and obviously stem from past trauma, but if you shut yourself off from every chance to be happy, you’ll never know what it feels like to be alive. Pain, hurt, betrayal, lies—they all come with being alive.” I throw my head back in defeat and bite down on the retort that threatens to come out.

Then why even be alive?

She places her hand on my knee, and I reluctantly roll my head in her direction to look into her eyes, which are full of hope and happiness, an expression that screams courage. “But so does love, joy, excitement, fun, new experiences. All of it, the good and the bad, is what makes you alive. The problem is, you can’t have one without the other.” I shake my head, not understanding what she means. She releases a laugh and shakes her head in return. “How would you ever know what love is if you’ve never felt the opposite? How do you know what happiness or joy is if you’ve never felt unhappy? You only know the feeling of excitement because you know what being bored is. You only know peace because you know what stress is. They all go together. You can’t avoid love and happiness because of the potential to feel pain and sadness. All of it is inevitable. The question is whether you’re going to sacrifice all the possible love and joy for maybe feeling some pain.”

I stop, my breath stilling, and my eyes move to stare out the window of our Upper West Side apartment, admiring the way the mid-afternoon sun spills out across the floorboards and drenches the mostly white room in a warm glow. I blink rapidly to hide the tears that threaten to expose my fragility. She’s right.

“And where in the fuck did that come from?” My eyes snap to Rosie and she has a look of pure astonishment aimed at Casey. We both throw our heads back in a laugh, a full proper belly laugh. I truly can’t remember the last time I let myself laugh this deeply. Casey shrugs.

“Guess I have had enough pain and happiness to know what they both are.”

“Who needs a therapist when we have you?” I ask with some amusement.

“I’ll be sure to send you the invoice.” Casey winks at me as she pats me on the knee.

“I’ll drink to that.” Rosie raises a glass of wine I have no idea where she pulled from, not waiting for Casey or me to inform her we don’t have a glass to raise, and she downs the lot. I release a sigh and feel the warmth and love from my best friends filling my soul after this morning with them.

“You know what? You are right. I guess I’ll… just see what happens.” I release a full watt smile, and we all huddle into a giggle in the center of the couch.

The 3pm lecture dragged as usual, my tax assignment was submitted, and I received great feedback. Still a B-, but I’ll take it over a C. The rest of the unit had been a B+ average, so I choose to accept this for what it is. “Keep it up Addy, you’re doing well. The course average is a C+, so don’t beat yourself up. We’re having a study group before the final in the library over Spring Break, if you’re interested in attending,” Professor Reynolds says after seeing my face drop slightly as he handed back my grade.

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