Page 20 of Falling for Fury

“Save it, Jessie. I don’t want to hear an apology until you actually mean it.” I dismiss him by turning back to my laptop and putting in my headphones. He stays standing next to me for a few seconds before he slowly turns and walks away. He has lost all right to try the big brother card after how absent he has been. I miss him, and I do love him. It’s just… different now. Growing up, he was my biggest supporter. Ava was always there, but she was my soft-cheerleader. Jessie was my fierce defender. Sometimes, I think the reason I have fire in me at all is because of him, outside the obvious rage issues inherited from Dad. But ever since he had his heart broken two years ago, it is like he wants everyone else to hurt just as bad as he does.

I can’t help thinking about the words he threw at me, though, I know him, Ads. I know who he brings here and how often. I know his type. What on earth is that supposed to mean? Who he brings? What, he has a secret wife? Unlikely. That guy screams one-night-stand.

Not that it matters. Fresh start.

He wouldn’t even be interested in anything romantic, anyway. I literally cried and slobbered all over him Monday, and before that, spent the few moments we had together scolding him.

Focus, Addison!

I don’t have time for this. I can’t let a stupid boy ruin my perfect grades. I should be focused on my assignment and my research. This assignment has all but fucked me, and I have never submitted an assignment late. I am not about to start now.

I bring my hands to my face to cover it and take a few deep breaths. My heart rate has spiked and my hands are shaky, as the telltale signs make their appearance. My thoughts spinning around.

Then why did he want to go to drinks? Why would someone like him be interested in me? I’m just damaged goods. Barely friend material, let alone casual sex material.

Fuck, I need to focus. What if I fail this assignment? What if it is a bad grade again, and then I have to repeat? God, what if I’m just wasting my time completely?

Maybe I should drop this unit and restart it. No use half-assing it, it’ll just be another thing for Dad to bully me about.

Also, Noah probably already has someone romantically. I met him like three times; he doesn’t already like me enough to date me.

I don’t know left from right, and my vision fades at the edges as my body shakes and heart flutters intensify.

Just breathe, Addy.

Heart palpitations.

Short breath.

Panic Attack.

I can feel it growing. After twelve years of these, it gets easier every time to recognize when I will be past the point of no return. I make to pack up my things and head back to the apartment. It doesn’t escape me that the topic that caused this is the most trivial of all triggers—a man. Unfortunately for me, panic doesn’t discriminate.

The walk up the apartment stairs makes breathing harder. The Uber ride also didn’t help and only escalated matters, as I was forced into the silence of my thoughts and the claustrophobia increased my heart rate. Shame at losing my temper with JJ floods my system, the look in his eyes and the way I saw red from the moment he spoke to me.

I run into the apartment. It’s empty; Rosie and Casey are both working, thank God. I dump my study bag on the kitchen table and head to the couch. I wrap a blanket around my shoulders and pull it tight around me in an attempt to create a firmness to my body, to feel grounded and collected. All that therapy and you still can’t keep your anger in check.

I can’t… I can’t do this.

Noah.

I can’t do this again. He will see my broken pieces, and he will just break them more. JJ was right—I don’t need this.

I practice my breathing. In for 6, hold for 2, out for 8. In 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, hold 2, out, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Repeat.

This? What are you talking about, you idiot? There is no this. A rain check is not a “this”. You cannot afford to freak out like this. Just stick to your hiatus and everything will be fine. You have exams in two months and final assessment dates looming. You cannot afford to lose sight of everything right now.

I make it two rounds of my breathing before my whole body is shaking, and the crying comes in uncontrollably. For me, this is the peak. This is the point of no return.

I wish I could just stop. Just turn it off. My brain, the thoughts, the what ifs. Why can’t I just live a day without thinking about the next or worrying about yesterday?

No. No, I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this. I can’t. I CAN’T DO THIS.

My brain screams all the horrific thoughts in my head like it is clambering to get out.

Off, turn off, I just want my brain to stop.

I claw at my chest, trying to alleviate the pressure so I can get air down. The body shakes make it feel like I am convulsing, and my chest tightness makes it feel like someone is sitting on me.

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