Page 86 of Falling for Fury

“Addy. Have you thought about why you haven’t actually given each other space? Turning off the sex-tap is one thing, a healthy thing you did for yourself. But ask why you feel like you’re ‘giving in’ to him–I don’t like that phrase, but let’s use it for the sake of this question.” I think on her words and she lets me ponder. Despite all the mess that happened six months ago, Noah has still remained a solid force in my life. Constantly there, ready to stand by or swoop in and save me. Because despite everything, I love him with my whole soul. He said he gave me his heart, well, he still holds mine. But I am apprehensive about going back. I’m still scared of having my heart shattered by him again. What we went through was a glimpse of how fully I have fallen for him, and if anything were to happen, it would surely scar me more permanently than anything Jake put me through.

I want to trust him, and sure, he had a relatively good-ish reason for keeping the truth from me, but it doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. The worst part was that I had no idea he was keeping such a secret from me. He was able to do it so easily, without me even picking up on an energy, or something being wrong. The only giveaway was the morning of the call, and that was only because he knew we were about to implode. Even then, he didn’t give me a warning.

“I think I keep him close because I don’t want him to give my heart back. But I still don’t know what that means. I don’t know how to understand this in my head, wanting to love him, but wanting to protect myself.”

“You can’t protect yourself from every evil out there, Addy. You might do more damage than good if you wrap yourself up too tightly from the lessons that are learned from pain.” I wish therapists didn’t make so much sense sometimes.

“So I should let him hurt me so I can learn a lesson? The only lesson that feels like is that I was right.”

She chuckles softly, shaking her head at me, and I know. Know that I’m wrong and she is wise, and that she is about to school me. “Addison, everything that is bad that has happened is a lesson. It is what has built your subconscious protections. Of course, some of those lessons have led to bad protections that cause you pain and problems when they are engaged. But that is okay. We work on them, and you learn to manage them, to find better pathways for those responses. But sometimes we learn good lessons. Like when you chose to talk to JJ and hear him out and let go of all your anger towards him, you said you forgot how much you missed him. That lesson was what?”

I roll my eyes, but a small smile spreads across my face. I see where she is going, but I let her go there, anyway. I might need to hear it. “Sometimes letting go of the clutch to my anger and ego allows me to get closer to the people who care about me.”

“Right, which in the future creates a response and won’t automatically result in anger when something comes up. While that clutch to your anger has protected you, you are still in control, and when you recognize those signs, you can choose a path. The path you chose with JJ lead you to be closer to him. I know that you can’t always choose. Sometimes, when we are too stressed or even too tired, our subconscious wins. That doesn’t make you a failure, it makes you human.”

“So, what does this mean with Noah? I don’t know how to just forget everything.”

“You’re not meant to forget everything, Addison. You’re meant to choose the path.”

Choose the path.

I sit there mulling over everything and think about the path I’m on and the path that involves Noah. Those brown eyes and goofy half smile. His dark brown curls that sit in a mess on top of his head, or when they peek out of the bottom of his cap. The way his hands feel as they skim across the skin of my stomach. The way he says he loves me completely and then taunts me with his tongue. He held me, carried me, and wiped my tears. Sat with me, comforted me, and raged with me. Never leaving me alone and never making me feel small. He was always just there.

My path without Noah… I allow myself credit because I have worked hard on myself. I know I am strong enough to make it, to be alone and be happy-ish. Enough that I could have a nice life. I might even find another love at some point down the track, in the very, very distant future, if I somehow got over my Greek god. But… I don’t want to.

My path with Noah might hold possible pain. It might hold more lies and deception. It might cause me heartbreak, and I might wish I would have moved on. But the possibility that we could be happy, that I would wake up every morning with him, share my days with him, let him hold me through my dark days and save me from all my chaos. The warmth all of that brings me makes my heart sing and I suddenly have this need. God, I love that man so fucking much.

You’re my whole heart, and I’d go through all the pain and torment again if it meant having you each exactly as you are. I regret nothing.

I remember mom saying this, and I wasn’t sure I would make the same decisions she would, but it suddenly makes sense. Knowing all that I know, would I really choose to give up my love with Noah to avoid that pain?

As I look up at the screen again, Rhea has a knowing smile on her face, like she knew it the whole time, saw exactly where my mind went as she did what she usually does, letting me sit in my thoughts.

“So, who said giving in to your heart and to what your soul is trying to tell you meant failing? What if this is your subconscious’ way of telling you that you’re ready? Its way of thanking you for taking the time to work on your healing. Why are you really scared to give in?”

“Because what if he hurts me again?” I whisper, because despite everything, the heartache Noah is capable of inflicting is intense. He is so deeply imbedded within me.

“Mmm. And what if he doesn’t?”

I roll my eyes. “You sound like Casey.”

Rhea laughs. “Smart lady. But seriously, if you were to ask yourself honestly if you’re staying away because it is adding quality to your life to be away from him or if you’re staying away purely out of fear of the potential to be hurt again in the future, what do you think the answer would be?” I know what the answer is. I could tell myself all day long that life has been better without Noah, but it would be a lie. Sure, he is still there as a friend, but mornings are spent alone, nights are even worse. When something great happens at work, I still hesitate to message him because I feel like I shouldn’t. I am the one who initiated our little hiatus, after all. I have been healthier, my connections with family and friends have been healthier, and my work/life balance has been steady, to the point that I am managing my mental health properly. All the space, distance, and Noah in the world couldn’t heal my mental health completely. I am not without my dark thoughts or panic attacks; I am just better at my coping, healing, and management.

The only thing missing in my life now is him. No amount of therapy has replaced or repaired the Noah-sized hole in my chest. “You don’t need to answer me. I can see it on your face. You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for, but I think the path to healing has given you a greater capacity. You’ve been working so hard on yourself to be a healthier, happier version of yourself. Why not give back to yourself as well? Take something because you want it and because you can. You’ve talked at length about the kind of person Noah is and how he was with you. Despite his mistake and the hurt he put you through, it sounds like he does care for you. I don’t think one mistake defines a person… do you?” No. Again, I don’t need to think about the answer. I don’t know if I even blame Noah for keeping it a secret anymore.

He made a sacrifice for his life, for his future, the same way I sacrificed having Noah’s love for the good of my mental health. And look who stuck by me the entire time while I put all my puzzle pieces together.

“I think I need to go.” My mind is made up and I can’t sit still. I miss him so much. Rhea gives me a knowing smile.

“Our session has ended, anyway. I’ll see you next week, gorgeous. Look after yourself and make good choices!” She gives me a beaming smile before the Zoom call ends. I leap from the bed and leave my room, finding Rosie and Casey in the kitchen.

“Hey, sunshine, where are you off to?” Rosie teases, but she knows. She and Casey always know.

“Going to start making smarter choices.” The smile on my face grows as determination sinks in and warmth spreads throughout my body as I sit at the table to lace up my running shoes.

“Oh?” Casey leans on the kitchen bench, some type of baking mixture in a bowl next to her as Rosie sits opposite her with… you guessed it… a glass of wine.

“There is a certain gentle giant I need to go see.” I give the girls a wink and head for the door, wasting no time. I hear giggles and a celebratory high-five as I leave the apartment.

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