Page 4 of Falling for Fury

How are you ever going to be a successful lawyer or employee when you can’t keep anything in your life together?

Do I even want to be a lawyer?

How do I know that this path in life is actually for me and not some attempt at being loved by my parents, showing them I am capable of functioning like an adult?

You’re a raging bitch who no one wants to employ or even love. How can you love yourself?

All the therapist-prescribed mantras and determination to master my panic can’t hold back the intensity of the pain I feel to my bones. The darkness in my room felt alive, the walls too close. You know when your eyes have adjusted to the dark and you can start to make out shapes and outlines of things around your room, except your mind plays tricks on you? Like the piece of lint on the bedside table becomes a bug crawling, the mirror leaning against the wall becomes a wall caving in, or the robe on the back of the door becomes a giant man-demon stalking towards you to suck out your soul. Yeah, well, that happened.

I drag myself through to my adjoining ensuite—double checking my robe is still there and hasn’t been replaced by a stranger—and I force myself into a cold shower in an attempt to reduce the crying-induced swelling on my face.

I already take up too much space in my family’s lives, with them constantly worried about my mental stability. I don’t need Mia’s day to be clouded by my burdens, too.

On my way out of my room, I bump into the girls in the kitchen.

“You’re up early for a non-work or school day,” Rosie says around a mouth full of pancakes. Casey leans against the bench opposite Rosie and looks at me with sympathy in her eyes.

“Coffee?” She gestures to her mug.

“No, thanks, though. I have Mia’s party. I am going to head over to Ava’s and see if there is anything I can help with before we go.”

“Ah. What a great way to spend a Saturday. With five-year-olds.” Rosie makes a pretend vomit face and focuses back on her breakfast. The room holds a lingering awkwardness I can’t quite put my finger on and Rosie and Casey seem…tense?

“You guys are oddly quiet and… still this morning?” I direct to them both in general.

“I was looking for job ads for you! I haven’t quite found anything. A couple of bartending or waitressing jobs, but I assume you probably want something still in the legal industry?” Casey plasters on a half-assed smile that only Rosie and I can detect is fake, and she continues. “We… Rosie and I, well… we… we just—”

“Hate it when you cry,” Rosie finishes for her. I roll my eyes and manage to hide the sharp pain in my chest at the comment.

“C’mon guys, you usually aren’t this fragile around my phasing. Why suddenly worried?” Because seriously, I have known them long enough. They have seen plenty of my trips to that murky pit of despair and depression. I don’t understand the coddling.

Neither of them answers.

“I’m fine! Seriously! I know I’ll find another job. As much as I don’t like to rely on my parents, I do have access to them and their finances. I am not completely helpless. You don’t have to job hunt for me, and you certainly don’t have to feel sorry for me,” I finish, failing to hold back the sharp anger in my tone. I am not completely wrong. As strained as my relationship is with both my parents, I at least have had the luxury of the trust fund that was accessible at twenty-one, and a dad who thinks money is how you show love. I mean, I would prefer an attentive father, but my broke ass college student life is grateful. I try to only rely on it in emergencies—for tuition, textbooks, and those sorts of things. The less of a leverage I make the trust fund, the better.

I wince at my tone with the girls as I grab my bag, instantly regretting how I handled this. “Ugh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap… I just—”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” Casey assures. They both meet my eyes with pity, but Casey doesn’t miss a beat. She puts her coffee cup down and walks over to wrap me in a hug before I can protest.

“We love you, Ads. Try to just enjoy today, and don’t let yourself spiral into that big brain,” she says just for me, as I nod a quick thanks and make for the door.

We pull up to the indoor Play House in Oak Ridge, only around the corner from Matt and Ava’s place on the outskirts of the city. It’s one of those swanky outer suburbs that people with money move to when they still want the “city experience”, or in Matt and Ava’s case, a safe place to raise kids. The street is already busy and lined with every high end car brand you can think of, the spring sun in full force as I grab Mia from the car seat while Ava and Matt carry in the food.

We enter the door, and I scrunch my nose on instinct as I am immediately hit with the smell of mozzarella sticks, juice, and something that I just know is the jumping castle. Mia instantly wriggles from my hold and lets out a gasp in my ear. I quickly place her on the ground.

“SOPHIA!” she screams and runs towards a little girl in blonde pigtails. They hug and hold hands in a way that makes my ovaries twist. They run off towards the playground, and I turn to help Ava and Matt.

“Are we late?” I gesture to the already full room of people. Ava had mentioned Matt’s mom and Nonna had come early to set up, but I’m sure we were meant to be here before everyone else? Ava looks over her shoulder at Matt in a forced grumpy-but-I-still-love-my-husband face. Matt and Ava were high school sweethearts, and it is both adorable and sickening seeing how much they love and support each other. He and Ava were surprised at Mia’s unplanned arrival almost five years ago, not having planned for a baby but making the best of it, and now they live as a beautiful family of three in a wealthy area with steady jobs—the literal “American Dream”.

“Well, we wouldn’t be if someone knew how to ever leave on time!”

Matt walks by, catching the conversation, and throws a wink our way. He doesn’t antagonize her, instead he grabs the containers from her arms, plants a kiss to her cheek, and stalks into the catering area. I roll my eyes at the gross display of love and playfully shove Ava on the shoulder. “God, could you guys just love each other less in my presence? It is a painful reminder of how very single I am.”

She giggles under her breath and then looks at me with narrowed eyes and raised eyebrows. “You know, Matt has a few single, very nice, very handsome friends. I could introduce you?” I scoff and head in Matt’s direction, with Ava following on my heels. “Come on Ads, it’s been almost twelve months since Jake. You can’t swear off men forever!”

“HA! Actually, I think I could. I swear I have ‘cheat on me’ written across my forehead at this point. Also, Matt’s friends? Wouldn’t they all be thirty and… like, boring?” She laughs and rolls her eyes, seeing so clearly through my deflection before directing her attention to her husband.

“Matt, put those in the fridge! I would like to not get food poisoning today,” she shouts as she stalks in Matt’s direction. I turn on a heel and head to the play area to sit and watch my niece be the cutest child on planet earth. I reach into my pocket to scroll job advertisements when I realize I left my phone in the car.

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