Page 86 of Textbook Romance

I sit back. I hadn’t realised how jarring those words would feel. I immediately see the panic in her face.

‘Oh no, not that this doesn’t feel right. It just feels new, and boyfriend seems a little…’

‘Then what am I?’ I ask.

‘You’re not a boy. I’ve found that much out. You’re a… manfriend.’

‘That sounds like someone who comes in to keep you company and do your shopping once a week,’ I say, not really sure how to communicate that bit of sadness that sits in my bones. ‘I could be your boyfriend. We could be a thing, no?’

She responds with a laugh before realising I’m being serious. ‘Oh, I didn’t think that was funny. I guess I just… it’s been a very busy six months. I’ve gone from happily married to this in what feels like milliseconds.’

‘Well, not so happily married really,’ I reply. She feels the sharpness of that reply and takes a breath to take it in. ‘I’m sorry. That was not kind.’

‘But true. He was not happy at least. Or else he’d still be here.’

‘And I would have just been someone you bumped into at a wedding.’

I take a large sip of my wine, turning my knee away from hers so they aren’t touching. I don’t know why I’m being so short with her because that’s not what I want at all. I want to hold her desperately and take care of her.

‘I’m really confused, Zoe. I’ve let you take the lead on this at every step. I’ve not pushed it. Ed told me to give you space, go at your pace and I’ve done that…’

‘Ed? You talk about these things with Ed?’ she asks.

‘Yeah, my brother, too, my housemates because…’

‘Because?’ she says, curiously.

‘I’ve never felt like this about anyone in my life.’ As soon as the words leave my mouth, I feel my voice shake because of the sheer clarity of emotion I feel, and because I rarely allow that vulnerability show to anyone.

‘I appreciate that, I do, but…’

‘You appreciate it? I’m not a gift token,’ I say, trying to lighten the mood. I put my hand back on her thigh. ‘What I’m saying is, at the moment, what we have is behind closed doors. It’s stolen kisses and it exists in this bubble.’

‘Bubble?’ she asks.

‘Yeah. And I want to burst the bubble. I want to be able to kiss you in public, I want you to have Sunday lunch with my nephews, I want to call you my… ladyfriend…’ We both laugh as I say the word. ‘That sounds like something you shave your intimate areas with.’ And she laughs more, and I love that sound, the way it lights up her eyes. ‘I just want to make you laugh like that forever.’

She doesn’t reply. She smooths her skirt down with her hands and looks down. ‘Jack. I don’t know what this is, but I don’t know if this is the right thing to do,’ she says, struggling to get the words out. I feel them like a punch to the guts.

‘I don’t think I understand. Then what is this? It’s been a couple of months; can’t we just see where it goes?’

‘Spoken like someone who has time on their side.’

‘And there you go with the age thing again,’ I reply. ‘Please don’t patronise me.’

‘Twenty-nine, Jack. You are twenty-nine. And I am nearly forty-four. I am only stating facts.’

‘Well, age is but an arbitrary label that just denotes how many years we’ve been on the planet, no?’

‘My knees say different,’ she retorts, and we both take a moment, smiling, because that was what I said to her when we first met and she remembers. That has to mean something. She runs a hand through her curls, searching for words.

‘It’s just I’m not sure you should be here, with someone like me. I feel very landlocked. Here in this house with these kids and work and you… I just feel like you have options ahead of you. I’m not sure I should be allowed to be one of those options.’

‘Allowed?’ I ask, the hurt starting to churn away inside me.

‘I just want you to think about the future. Where would this go? Would you move in here? With me and my kids? What if you want kids of your own? I don’t think I can do that for you. I don’t think we’re being practical.’

‘Practical. When is love ever practical?’

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