Page 76 of Textbook Romance

‘Was it like this?’ Zoe whispers.

‘Yeah… keep…’

But as she slides her hand over me, there is suddenly a sound, a knocking at the door and the sudden shrill sound of the doorbell. I jump back, Zoe’s eyes widening.

‘MUM! ARE YOU IN?’ a voice echoes through the hallway.

We both look at each other, the colour from Zoe’s face draining.

‘I thought the kids were with Brian tonight,’ I whisper.

‘That was the plan. Shit, shit, shit…’

I hear Brian’s voice. ‘Liz said she saw her in town, out with some school people. I don’t think she’s in. Look, just…’

‘Then why is her car here?’ Lottie says plainly. ‘Just use your key if she’s not in.’

Mild panic descends on Zoe’s face, and I know what I have to do. I pull up my trousers for a start. Zoe flaps her hands around, looking around for places for me to hide, looking down at my erection. That’ll go in a minute but really not soon enough for me to be meeting family. She heads for the patio doors and unlatches them. ‘I am so sorry. Just hide out behind the shed and I’ll come find you. Is that OK?’

I don’t want to add fire into an already flammable situation so do as I’m told. I am pretty sure what Zoe doesn’t need is for Brian and her daughter to find her wanking me off in the middle of their kitchen. I creep out and do as I’m told, just in time as I hear voices in the hallway. I scamper in time to take cover behind a shed, the back door still open.

‘MUM! You are in!’ I peer my face around the corner of the shed to see Lottie throw her arms around her mum’s neck. ‘Why were you in the garden?’ she asks.

‘Oh, I thought I saw a fox.’

I laugh to myself. I am the fox, I’ll take that. And for the first time, I see Brian, in the flesh, charging towards the door in some sham show of masculinity to take on this urban fox. I sneer to see him. ‘I don’t see anything,’ Brian says, looking out to the lawn. I wonder if I should just jump out and give the twat the fright of his life but hell, it’s not the time. I’ll just stand here in the shadows of this very mediocre garden. There’s a lot of shrubs. They could do a lot more with this space, you know?

‘Why are you both here?’ Zoe asks them.

‘I forgot my retainers,’ Lottie says. ‘I’ll just go and get them. Did you have someone round?’ she asks, and I pat myself down thinking of whether I’ve left any evidence in that kitchen. The second cup of tea. Shit.

‘Beth came round for a bit.’

Lottie exits the room and I see both Brian and Zoe standing there, silent. I watch them cautiously. I can picture a time when they would have matched and it seems bizarre to think that their coupling only ended recently.

‘Liz said she saw you in town,’ Brian says, trying to start a conversation.

‘Yeah.’

‘How was it?’ he asks, apprehensively.

‘Oh, we had wine together, hugged it out and traded in stories about you.’

‘Really?’

‘No, Brian. We didn’t.’

I laugh. Well played, that woman.

He moves around the kitchen, looking curiously at the small gold trophy sitting on the counter. She puts it in a drawer.

‘You weren’t out for long then?’ he says, almost mocking her. It feels like he and Liz deserve each other. Zoe bustles around the kitchen, emptying mugs and putting them in the dishwasher.

‘It was only dinner in Wimbledon, headed back early.’

‘I guess that’s handy.’

‘Excuse me?’ Zoe says, a little surprised. I smirk to myself. Oh, your ex is very handy.

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