Page 71 of Textbook Romance

‘I’ve just been around the Laser Tag far too many times.’

As we wait there in the corner, I stand close to her, my breath on the side of her neck.

‘I’m trying to work out if you’re just wildly inappropriate or you’re one of those people who enjoy risky situations?’ she says, jokingly. ‘You heard the briefing, I don’t want the shame of being barred from this place.’

‘I didn’t hear anything about being thrown out for kissing.’

‘I’m thinking more about what you’ve got pressed up against me…’

‘Zoe! How rude. That’s just my laser,’ I say, holding up my gun. And a laugh illuminated in purple, pink and green but also one that makes me think she’s not too angry with me for bringing her here.

‘FOUND HIM! FIRE!’ Our hiding place is suddenly invaded by George, Barney and a couple of friends who bombard us with lasers, so much so that my laser vest seems to be having its own epileptic fit. I fall to the floor, pretending to die and one of them puts a foot to my back and seems to celebrate my demise. I hope that’s not one of my own nephews.

The music cuts out. ‘Can the gentleman lying on the floor please get up?’ someone announces over a tannoy and I return to my feet. The music starts up again and the boys run away to plan their next attack. I turn around and Zoe has disappeared. Damn, maybe this was too much. I start tiptoeing around this place. I am sure I had a fever dream in a place like this before. It’s like Lord of the Flies meets TRON. I get to one corner, to see exuberant-headband dad hiding from an elevated position and taking on a herd of kids who can’t seem to see him. I approach quietly. I take that evil fucker out.

‘WHO? DAISY? IS THAT YOU AGAIN?’

I smile and escape again until I get to a corner of this place, listening to Barney’s voice from around a corner.

‘If you had the choice, would you rather have an eye in the middle of your head or two noses?’

Oh, Barney. I take a swift glance around that corner to see that Zoe is with them, and I start to wonder if she’s been taken hostage or defected to heavier artillery. I hear her laugh and smile.

‘One eye, obviously. Is it a giant eye?’

‘It would take up at least half of your forehead.’

‘Still the eye. Imagine having all those nostrils and having to pick all of them – it would take up most of my day.’

All the boys in that corner laugh and I beam. I know her.

‘So are you like Uncle Jack’s girlfriend?’ one of them asks her.

It’s a little painful for young George to be so forthright but it’s also the beauty of those little boys. ‘So many questions… Hold up?’ There seems to be a break in the conversation to have a full-on laser attack with some other people in this arena. All at once, I feel a little ashamed. I should probably join in and help defend their position, but I don’t want to reveal myself and not hear the answer to their last question.

‘Yeah, yeah… RUN, YOU PUSSIES!’ That was certainly not Zoe but also not my nephews and I feel that again, I may need to advise Dom on the company that his boys keep. I stand with my back to the padded cushions.

‘So… are you his girlfriend?’ Well done, George, for keeping that line of interrogation going.

‘I’m just his friend. Why do you ask?’

‘It’s just we’ve not met any of Uncle Jack’s girlfriends before.’

‘Really?’

I pause for a moment, hoping these boys don’t shame me. It’s true. I don’t think anyone’s lasted long enough, but also this felt like a step to introduce my lads to anyone. They’re essentially my family, my people, the ultimate litmus test. In the back of my mind, they’re also part of the reason I’ve not acted on Sarah’s job offer yet. I know I would possibly miss them too much.

‘He must really like you if he’s brought you to Laser Tag,’ Barney adds, and I hear Zoe chuckling.

‘Indeed. You both must really love your Uncle Jack.’

‘Of course. He’s the best. Did you know he can burp the alphabet?’ George says, and this is when I spring up. Less of that, especially as they have a story about the time I tried to light a fart. Let’s not kill the illusion.

‘FOUND YOU! I can’t believe you took Zoe hostage!’ The boys all take aim.

‘She came of her own volition!’ one of their friends shouts. He knows the word volition, so I’ll allow the boys to be friends with him.

‘It is true. When you were on the floor, I thought you had died.’

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