Page 40 of Textbook Romance

The kids turn to look at me. Wagamama was always something we did as a four, boys one side of the bench, girls the other. Crispy squid and edamame to start. Shared jokes over katsu and ramen. You absolute shit, Brian.

The kids know as much and come over to envelop me in this double-sided hug that seems to be our new thing. Let’s sandwich Mum to let her know how much we love her. Brian looks on quietly as I hear Lottie crying.

‘Hey, hey, less of that. You will have so much bloody fun, you won’t even know I’m not there.’

She shakes her head as Dylan stands next to her, looking at the floor, and I’m reminded of little people going to school for the first time, being removed from me and what they know, and feeling completely unsure and unsettled about that situation. And it breaks me to see them like this, but it also makes me want to glass Brian. Keep it together, Zoe.

‘I love you both madly. And souvenirs, yeah?’

‘A Man City scarf maybe?’ Dylan jokes.

‘Wash your mouth out, kid. Know your manor,’ I say, putting on a London accent. The sound of him laughing is a relief. ‘Lottie-Lots, just try,’ I whisper into her ear, holding her close and kissing her head. And I would hold her forever like this if I could, but I can’t and I feel her grip loosen as she stands away from me. I wipe her cheeks and smile.

As they gather their things, I can hardly look at Brian even though I can sense he’s trying to catch my eye. For what, Brian? To gloat? I hope you choke on your gyoza. Instead, I focus on the kids and lead them through the hallway, reminding Dylan to do up his coat and passing them sneaky ten-pound notes into their palms.

‘Love you, Mum.’ That’s from Dylan and those are the words that may very well end me.

‘Love you, too, Dyl.’

And I watch their bodies as they bundle into Brian’s car, small arguments over shot-gunning the front seat, and wave at the car maniacally as they reverse out. And then they’re gone. I walk back into the house, closing the door softly, the very haunting silence being my only company, as tears fall softly down my face.

I don’t notice the doorbell at first. My tears took me to the sofa where I thought I’d just have a moment to weep and hug some pillows. Maybe I’d have a drink and do something I normally wouldn’t if the kids were here, but then I don’t remember a time without them. Maybe I’ll finally get round to watching Bridgerton. Then I notice the doorbell. Maybe I ordered food and didn’t remember. More likely it’s next door asking me if I’ve seen their cat. They really need to put a tracker on that beast. I head to the door and notice two figures standing there. Jehovah’s Witnesses? If this is the case, I might listen to their spiel just to have some company on a Friday night.

I open the door and before me stand Mia and Ed.

‘Oh, Zoe,’ Mia says, noticing my damp face and swollen eyes. She enters the house and throws her arms around me.

‘Why are you here?’ I ask, surprised to see them.

‘Well, Jack mentioned you’d be on your own and he was worried about you so…’

I smile to hear Jack’s name, kind of glad he’s not here to witness this strange meltdown of mine. ‘Well, that’s very sweet. Come in, come in. I’m sorry I’m such a wreck, though. I’m literally still in work gear and I haven’t got anything in. We could order some food?’ I tell them, using a tissue I had up my sleeve to dab at my glowing nose. I lead them into the house, hoping they haven’t seen the shadows of tearstains I’ve left on the cushions.

‘Did you have plans? Tell us if we’re in the way and you’d rather be alone,’ Mia says, looking around the place.

‘I hadn’t really thought about what I’d do. I was just going to potter…’ They both look at me curiously, Ed nodding like an ally who knows how a good potter is soothing for the soul. Mia looks less impressed as they both take a seat on my sofa. ‘You spoke to Jack then,’ I quiz them. To be fair, with the kids out of the picture, Jack would have been the perfect distraction for this weekend, but I still debated if it was too soon, too complicated, too scary.

‘He said you’ve been texting,’ Mia says, unable to contain her glee. I smile back at her. ‘Am I allowed to ask what that is?’

‘I don’t quite know… You know about the kiss, don’t you?’ I ask them.

‘There was a kiss? Really?’ Ed says, with a shocked expression. This is why Ed does not teach drama. He can see my raised eyebrow and looks sheepish. ‘He did come to us for advice.’

‘And what did you advise him?’ I ask tentatively.

‘We said you’ve been through a lot, to go at your pace and maybe don’t snog again on school grounds,’ Ed says.

‘You kiss me on school grounds,’ Mia replies, indignant.

‘Yeah, but not a full-on snog with tongues.’

I widen my eyes. Either Jack went into detail or that CCTV footage got out. Could you see my tongue? That’s bloody awful.

‘Was that the right advice?’ Ed asks.

I nod. It’s spot-on, though I don’t really know what my pace is. Like glacial slug speed. Is that something young Jack is willing to hang around for? They both sit there politely, waiting for me to react, to say something. ‘So, do you want to hang out tonight? I have wine, we could just get drunk?’ I ask them, hoping they won’t just spend the evening staring at me.

‘Actually…’ Mia says, fidgeting in her lilac Converse. ‘We’re here for other reasons. You’re allowed to say this is a shit idea but actually it was Ed’s.’ She points to her husband and he takes over.

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