Page 36 of Textbook Romance

‘I K-I-S-S-E-D him. Today. Just now. By the bike sheds,’ the words explode out of me, and I emit a sound that’s half laugh, half shriek. I cover my mouth. I’ve told someone. Joe and Jude look very confused by me as does Beth, who stops for a moment not knowing whether to laugh or cry or be shocked.

‘By the bike sheds?’ she says, incredulous.

I’m still laughing and nod, not able to stop.

‘Hon, then why are you crying? Did something else happen?’ she says cautiously. ‘Was he…’

I shake my head, smiling, reliving every single moment in my head, taking a huge gulp of rose to steady myself. I kissed him. I made the move. A move I hadn’t made since I was at least twenty. Since first getting together with Brian all those decades ago. And the feeling was exhilarating, bizarrely strange. And I think about Jack’s words. His compliments. Maybe it’s because I haven’t heard those words from someone of the opposite sex for an age. And those words chipped away at the core of me, some hardened core that refused to believe I was worthy of compliments anymore. You are just someone’s mum, someone’s teacher, someone lost in time and space who fumbles through, surviving. And so to feel seen makes my eyes well up. Unless Ed and Mia did pay him to say it, then I won’t speak to them ever again.

Beth smiles, taking a sip from her wine glass. ‘Are you just a bit emotional then that you’ve had a K-I-S-S and it’s been a really long time and it was really nice?’

I nod, still a little wordless. She beams back at me. Joe offers me a chip and I don’t refuse. I dip it in his puddle of ketchup. I feel like there’s a jet stream of emotions running through my veins. I kissed him in the dark corner of that bike shed. I don’t know whether I was supposed to do that. Maybe he was just trying to show me some sincerity. But I got caught in some emotion that I didn’t think I was capable of feeling anymore. It was one of those kisses that brimmed with urgency, a feeling I got myself swept up in, the sensation of his lips pressing against mine, a hand to my back, pulling me in so our hips touched. I remove my scarf as I feel the colour rise in my cheeks.

‘And did anything else happen?’ Beth asks.

‘God, no. Actually, I panicked. Like, we had a moment but then I remembered that there are cameras there…’

Beth giggles.

‘I’m serious. Remember when all those bikes started to go missing? How will I look at Kev the caretaker ever again? I could lose my job!’ I say, panicked.

‘Zo, have you met the PE department? They’re feral. I think they’re the reason we had to steam clean the sofas in the staff room. You just had a little K-I-S-S by the bike sheds. Did you use…’ She sticks her tongue out at me, and I let out a little yelp, nodding. Beth can’t control her laughter and Jude giggles in return. ‘And how did you leave it?’

‘I panicked. I told him there were cameras and literally ran to my car… and you know I don’t really run and then I sat there in my car and cried for twenty minutes before I thought to come here because if I went home to my kids then they’d want to know why I was crying, and I’d have to lie.’

Beth puts her bottom lip out. ‘Oh, Zoe. Joe-Joe, give Aunty Zoe a hug again.’ Joe does as he’s told, and I bury my face in his hair which smells all fruity like kids’ shampoo. I really shouldn’t cry in front of this little one. I’ll be known as Crazy Aunty Zoe. ‘You cried because you’re sad it happened?’ Beth continues.

‘Not at all. I think they were happy tears. I think it just unlocked a lot of emotion I was keeping down. Emotions about me and how I felt about myself. Maybe. I think I was also shocked. I haven’t K-I-S-S-E-D anyone for a long time. I think I was still surprised I worked or that I knew what I was doing. And all that emotion I felt. It was like…’ I take another long sip of wine to steady myself. It was like electricity running through me, like in all those Avengers films that Dylan has made me watch. I felt charged, full of power, a power which had previously been taken away from me and I didn’t know what to do with any of it.

‘I mean, the bonus is he’s kind of cute, Zoe,’ she says. Joe scowls at her. ‘Not as cute as you, though, bub.’

Joe beams at her.

‘But twenty-nine? Really?’

‘And? Technically, you’re both millennials so it’s allowed, by law,’ she says, helping herself to some more of Jude’s chips. ‘Can you imagine Brian’s face, though, when he finds out? I’d like to be there. Could you plan it so I’m there?’ she says.

I open my mouth in laughter but more so in shock. Jack is the first person I’ve kissed since Brian, and I hate that Brian even comes to mind in a moment like this; that he’ll always be the person to which I compare everything. Technically, I’m still married. It feels almost wrong. But it would also be the best comeback to all his shithousery. Could I use Jack like that? I wouldn’t want to take advantage of all the empathy and kindness he’s shown me so far. Not that I would know how to take advantage of him at all, and suddenly the thought of this progressing further than a kiss makes me a little hot under the collar again.

‘I can’t even fathom taking this further, Beth. I haven’t done this, anything like this, in an age. This is beyond my frame of know-how.’ I’m not even joking. I was stood in my STEM club thinking about my evening ahead. I thought about the half a tiramisu I was looking forward to finishing in my fridge. I was thinking about picking up bread and milk on the way back home, watching Ted Lasso, bringing a glass of water to bed, arguing with the kids about their phone and sleep habits, not before changing into my pyjamas and watching Instagram videos on my phone of either cats falling off chairs or someone showing me three-ingredient air fryer recipes that I will marvel at and save but never recreate myself. That was me, that was my life, and it was mundane and routine, but the predictability was a comfort. Then along came Jack. Like a bloody human grenade. ‘What do I do now?’

‘Text him? He gave you the C-O-C-K emoji, maybe send him something? You’re asking the wrong person, though. Seriously, Will and I text to tell each other to buy milk. I can ask my sister, she’s very good at online flirting.’

I shake my head. Is this what people do now? Back when I first dated Brian, we sent each other suggestive messages on our NOKIA 360s but now there’s a different world in front of me. It’s pictures, emojis and GIF-based. I’d have to do so much, most of which would involve a heavy amount of hair removal.

‘Maybe I’ll just leave it for now. I’ll revel in the novelty,’ I tell Beth, slightly more level-headed, not trying to get too ahead of myself.

‘Can I just say, though… look at how this has ignited something in you. Look how much you’re smiling. That’s a very good thing. You’re one of the loveliest people I know so don’t think you don’t deserve this – just enjoy it for what it is,’ she says, holding up her glass. I hold my own up and the boys join in with their plastic beakers filled with diluted squash. We all smile at each other. ‘To Zoe!’

‘Ohhh-eee!’ Jude shrieks and we all take sips of our drinks, laughing as the front door opens.

Beth peers down the corridor. ‘It’s DADDY!’ she cheers, the boys joining in with their hands in the air. I remember moments like that once upon a time ago and I see the boys’ faces light up.

Will sees my face and waves. ‘Zoe! To what do we owe the pleasure?’

‘Oh, I just thought I’d pop in for chips and squash,’ I say as he comes into the kitchen, kissing the top of his wife’s head and high-fiving his boys.

‘And what’s new?’ he asks.

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