Page 29 of Textbook Romance

‘The new teacher, Jack, went for a Nando’s with Zoe and then he sent her a chicken emoji.’

‘Zoe!’ Beth shrieks. ‘You’re dating? Already?’

I raise my hands to the air to halt all the gossip in full flow. Beth was one of the first people who found out about the split from Brian as I knew her sister had gone through similar, so I asked her for advice. She’s been a pillar of wonderfulness ever since. She sends texts to check in, sends me books on Amazon and occasionally just leaves Kit Kats in my staff pigeonhole. These are the small things that have helped tremendously.

‘Nooo, it’s nothing like that,’ I say, though the truth is I’m still trying to work out what it is. It’s not like I haven’t thought about Jack since the cock emoji, it’s just not because of the cock. There is something about the distraction and attention I’ve received from him that feels like a tonic, that makes me not think about the disaster zone that is my life. That said, the flirtation behind it makes me deeply embarrassed. I don’t know how to flirt, I’ve not flirted in years and not with someone who looks like that. ‘I am so far away from dating, like miles away, but I was just confused by the emoji, so confused that whenever I see him around school, I’ve taken to hiding behind doors and pillars. Seriously, I thought the aubergine was the penis emoji.’

‘Aubergine, baguette, lipstick, cactus, snake, mushroom, rocket, chicken, banana…’ Beth reels off. We all stare at her. Mia offers her hand up for a high-five. ‘I went to the student cyber safety seminar last month, I took notes. So I’m confused. Jack sent you a sex emoji and you’re not sure about him. Is he a dick? Ed, is your friend a dick?’ she asks him forthrightly.

‘He’s a very nice person. I’ve known him for a while,’ Ed says, defending him. ‘Is it an age thing?’ he asks me plainly.

Mia elbows him sharply in the ribs. ‘Rudeness. Zoe’s in her early forties. She’s in her prime. One of the best racks in the staff room,’ she says, almost as if she’s seen my bare breasts and can pass comment. I blush. They only look decent because I wear a bra, Mia. ‘I wouldn’t blame Jack for fancying you. I fancy you,’ she says, blowing me a kiss.

Beth looks supremely confused. ‘Oh. So we’re saying Jack may fancy you? I mean… of course… but you don’t want to go there?’

I try to ensure my intense confusion doesn’t show in my face. ‘God, no. I don’t think I’m ready for… that… him… all of it…’

Beth smiles warmly at my confusion. ‘Or… you know? He’s young, you’re freshly single. Maybe you just have a rebound fling to do some healing? Apologies, Ed. I am sure your friend has feelings and I’m not saying use him, but if he’s flirting, flirt back a little? Have some fun, Zoe. You deserve that more than anyone I know.’

I laugh under my breath at the idea that this is even an option. This whole conversation has got out of hand. I just wanted to check in on emoji meanings. From the sounds of it, this man likes to shag on kitchen counters, and I don’t think mine are stable enough for such action. ‘You are all hilarious, but I will find my fun elsewhere, thank you.’

‘Like another teacher?’ Mia says. ‘I hear Vivaan from Chemistry is on Tinder.’

‘He also wears a bum bag, Mia,’ I tell her.

‘Handy for condoms and such,’ she retorts, and we all sit there giggling. Even Ed. This is all I need for now. This is fun. This sort of conversation that’s removed from all of my sadness, from my crapbag ex-husband, that means I laugh, loudly, in a way I didn’t think possible.

‘Look, I don’t think Jack and I are a feasible option. It’s just he was also there when it all happened, when I first found out about Brian, so it’s been nice to know he’s an ally.’

All three of them sit there squinting their eyes, like they’re trying to work out this very complicated plot twist.

‘He was there? How?’ Beth asks.

‘At the wedding. I got a call from Lottie during the reception and it all unravelled and he just happened to be there and called me an Uber and made sure I got home safely.’

Mia and Ed look absolutely devastated. ‘You found out your marriage was over at our wedding?’ Mia asks me.

I nod, suddenly sad that I’ve divulged that news to them. However, before she has the chance to dig further for information, we suddenly hear a lot of shouting from the corridor beyond the staff room doors. Everyone in the room freezes, wondering who might take this on. I mean, we all have sandwiches to eat. Ed and Mia look to each other, then rise to their feet, swinging the doors open to see a group of boys running in one direction.

‘OI!’ Mia screams after them. The boys don’t stop. They exit the staff room and Beth and I look at each other. She looks down at her well-earned chips and I notice the way her body sinks into the sofa.

‘I’ll rock, paper, scissors you for it,’ she says, but I get up. ‘This one’s on me,’ I say, stealing one of her chips. I head out the doors watching as Mia and Ed try to cut off a group of boys at the top of the corridor. I would put a fiver on who at least three of those boys are, such is the joy of this school. To be fair, the majority of the kids are great. They keep their heads down, they know the value and privilege of education. It’s a small sliver of dicks who spoil it for everyone else. The one thing I’ve learnt, though: don’t waste your energy running after them. I descend a staircase trying to listen out for voices and footsteps. The boys’ toilets. They like to assemble in there. They like to vape in there which is why we had to have a fire drill last week in the rain. I head towards the door and hear voices inside. I can’t go in there. Do I knock? But before I do, the door opens. Jack. He looks me in the eye, mildly surprised to see me standing there, and smiles broadly.

‘Mr Damon…’ I suddenly feel a bit more relaxed, but I hope his ears aren’t burning. I know where you’ve had sex. I need to act normal. ‘That’s a fetching hi-vis vest you’re wearing,’ I say, pointing at him. Four boys filter out of the toilet and past us, mumbling ‘Sir,’ and ‘Miss’ as they escape. He salutes all of them before turning his attention back to me.

‘I didn’t know how much power the hi-vis gives me. I may just wear this all the time now.’

‘Just a hi-vis?’ That was the wrong thing to say, and an image floods my mind. That image shouldn’t be there.

He smiles and raises an eyebrow. ‘Well, I do believe that’s not in the staff dress code, Mrs Swift. It would cause quite the stir. How are you anyway? I haven’t seen you for a while. All good?’

I nod, not knowing whether to bring up the chicken emoji. ‘All good. How is lunch duty? I see they’ve roped you in for the fun stuff.’ I reach over to him and pick off what looks like a piece of lettuce from his shoulder. I shouldn’t touch him, but I can’t just leave that there.

‘You have a warped idea of what is fun. There were salad wars, lettuce was thrown. Is there any more iceberg in my hair?’ he asks. I scan along his hairline until my gaze lands on his eyes again, and a small scar above his eyebrow.

‘Just a bit of frisée,’ I tell him, picking something off above his ear. ‘The type of lettuce, I mean – you have zero frizz in case that was a concern.’ He finds that unusually funny and I feel the need to mute his response. ‘I’ve just found out something about you actually.’

He cocks his head to the side. ‘I expect that is Ed telling you university stories. Don’t believe any of them.’

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