Page 11 of Textbook Romance

‘You’ve made me cake?’ I ask Ed. Ed does this. He’s chief star staff baker. I think someone in textiles made him an apron once.

Ed looks slightly flummoxed. ‘I did. It’s the same recipe as my wedding cake. Mia said you told her you liked the cake, so I thought… you know… since what happened… it’s like a welcome back to school gift, to cheer you up…’ he tells me awkwardly.

I pause and look down at the Tupperware in my hands. Crikey, he’s made me divorce cake, hasn’t he? Oh, Ed. He comes to hug me which is a very un-Ed kind of move and a few teachers surrounding us stop in their tracks. Ed is hugging. Something must be wrong. Jen from modern languages stands there, her mouth agape. As Ed backs away, she also comes in for an embrace.

‘Hi, Jen, good summer?’ I say, trying to joke, the container of cake still in my hands. I know she’s had a good summer because of the bronze tan and the fact she’s still wearing open-toe sandals.

‘Something’s wrong. What’s happened?’ she enquires, a concerned look on her face. Christ, I knew I’d have to say something eventually, but I thought I’d have time. But that’s the problem with a staff room. Your business is never quite your own. The cake and the hugging has attracted a small crowd of six teachers, waiting. I don’t even know one of them. I think they’re new. Is this really how I’m going to introduce myself to you? Hi, Zoe Swift. I teach maths and I’m one of the school’s official fire wardens. I’m also soon-to-be divorced and my husband is a cheating prick. Welcome!

‘Are you leaving? You better not be leaving,’ says Drew, the head of maths. We know he’s the head of maths because Drew has a tie with mathematical symbols that I hope he doesn’t wear outside of this school.

‘I… just…’ I mumble, trying to move away from Jen’s embrace. I glare at Ed. You started this with the cake.

‘I’m not leaving here,’ I say. Drew sighs, relieved. I take a deep breath. ‘I’ve left my husband, though. Actually, no, he left me. Less leaving, I told him to leave. Over the summer.’

The teachers surrounding me are all silent. This feels like the time Maxine from art stood on a stool in the middle of the staff room and told us she’d left her husband for a woman, but this didn’t mean she was bisexual. We didn’t know what it meant either or why she stood on a stool.

‘Brian?’ Drew asks, aghast. ‘You and Brian? But you’ve been together for…’

‘Since we were twenty, so you do the maths… Which is funny as we teach maths.’

Ed forces a laugh at my very lame joke. It’s Drew’s turn to grab me now. Lovely Drew who similarly has been married for an age to Louise. Brian and I used to go round to his house and socialise. Louise always made a very good moussaka, and she knew how to leave people to dress their own salads.

‘You should have messaged us,’ he says.

‘All the staff?’ I say, confused. The only time we ever copy all the staff in an email is when a student goes missing.

‘Well, me, at least,’ he says despondently. ‘When?’

‘Over the summer. I won’t go into too much detail…’

Yet everyone stands around me, Jen especially which makes me think she wants that detail. It’s too early for all of that. Plus, we have registration in twenty minutes.

‘Am I allowed to say I’m slightly relieved? I thought you seemed stressed at the end of the summer term, and looked like you’d been crying yesterday during INSET, so I thought you were ill. At least you’re not ill,’ Jen says, chirpily. Drew rolls his eyes. Jen is like this. Even when the children have set off a fire alarm, blocked another set of toilets and are fist-fighting by the school gates, she’ll stand there and tell us things could be worse. Yes, Jen. At least I’m not dead. What is one level above dead? Comatose? Just putting one foot in front of another, like some sort of love-crushed zombie. That said, I thought the concealer had been doing me favours with the dark circles under my eyes. Obviously not.

‘Not ill…’ I mumble.

Jen hugs me again. ‘I need to go but let’s have a cuppa later, yeah?’ she says, the pity in her eyes piercing through, making me feel about a foot tall. The other teachers disperse (including the newbie) who are likely carrying this new staff gossip to their corners of the school. This is where it starts. If I could, after the summer I’ve had, I’d have just sat in a dark room and not come back here, shrouded myself in the shame of being dumped, single, alone. But needs must. I need the money to carry us through these few months of uncertainty while Brian makes a case for selling our family home. I need to try and show the kids I am fine. I need work to be a distraction from the fact a marriage I thought was strong and stable and forever was basically not. Drew and Ed stand there, still not quite knowing what to say.

‘I literally said just give her the cake…’ a voice says from behind us. It’s Mia. Mia is different to Ed – she hugs everyone without notice or care and it’s one of the things I admire about her. She bundles me into her arms. ‘How are you, love?’

There’s no sense of pity or curiosity there, either. It’s a feeling she’s here out of kindness and concern. More of this, please.

‘I gave her the cake but then I thought she needed a hug. You told me to hug more,’ Ed tells her, confused.

‘Well, yeah. But give the girl some warning you’re going to get in her space,’ she tells her new husband, putting an arm around his waist. His arm goes over her shoulder, and she grabs at his hand hanging there. It’s that sort of natural body contact you have with someone you feel completely at ease with. That’s what love looks like. I remember that feeling. I hope they hold on to it for as long as they can.

‘Well, I’m here. I didn’t think I’d be capable of this a fortnight ago but here I stand, ready to teach,’ I say, punching the air. I wish I’d said that with more enthusiasm, without feeling like my spine and shoulders are filled with jelly.

‘Zoe, we can talk about a reduced schedule if that would help? If anything gets too much…’ Drew says, kindly. ‘I wish you’d said something before.’

‘God, no… we’re short staffed enough as it is. I’ll be fine,’ I tell him.

‘Please, John from History had a full week off when his hamster died,’ Mia says. ‘Take the time.’

‘I’ll let you know if I need it, Drew. Thank you,’ I say, turning to Mia. ‘But… be honest. Do I look awful? I know I’ve lost a bit of weight, but do I look ill? Jen says I looked ill.’

‘Jen is wearing a gingham maxi dress. She looks like she’s going to teach on a prairie,’ Mia says. Ed shifts her a look that says I need to hug more, you need to bitch less. Mia replies with a cheeky if contrite smile. ‘You look like you’re knackered.’

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