Page 61 of Textbook Romance

I giggle a little, choking on my tea, a little worried, however. Please no. She looks at me completely bemused.

‘I am happy, though. If anyone needed this, it’s you,’ she says beaming, shaking her head and still slightly in disbelief. ‘When can I meet him?’

I grimace at her. ‘Never.’

‘Ouch, are you ashamed of me?’

‘No, I just have to work out what it all is. If it will happen again or if it’s just…’

‘Fucking,’ she says, gritting her teeth. I find an oven glove and throw it at her. ‘Oh my, you’re, like, living everyone’s middle-aged fantasy.’

‘And what would that be?’

‘Oh, I love Neil. I don’t see myself with anyone else except that dopey bastard but sometimes I do think about having a lover. I’d live alone, have a bed to myself, not have to worry about sharing space and picking up someone’s pants but at the end of a phone, I’d have a young, handsome lover to call upon who’d sort me out.’

I put a hand to my chest in shock. ‘You make Jack sound like a gigolo.’

Kate cackles in reply. ‘That’s one word for it. But this boy isn’t boyfriend material, is he?’

I can’t answer. There is something there. A very potent spark that is hard to ignore. I like how his presence pushes me to let go, to be spontaneous and react. But in real life, outside our bubble, I guess if I wanted to consider something more with him, I’d have to put a lot more thought into what that would look like, how that would work.

‘Stop calling him a boy…’

‘Kid?’

I shake my head at her, just as we hear a light knocking on the front door. At least he’s not just letting himself in anymore. There’s a feeling in response to that sound. It used to be sadness, pain, but the feeling has transformed a little. I don’t fear it as much.

Kate looks at me carefully as I get off my stool. ‘You OK?’

I nod and walk to the door. I see his figure hovering by the glass, opening it slowly. When I do open it, he stands there, his eyes bloodshot, pulling the collar of his coat up around his neck. ‘Zoe.’

‘Thank you for knocking, at least.’

He shrugs his shoulders and follows me into the kitchen. When we get there, Kate seems to have disappeared. Hopefully not waiting to jump out of a cupboard and tell Brian that I’m shagging someone new, though the thought makes me grin.

‘Is that Kate’s car in the drive?’ he asks me.

‘Yeah, she dropped the kids off yesterday and stayed.’

Brian’s eyes search around the kitchen area and through to the living room to look for her.

‘There’s coffee in the cafetiere if you want. Help yourself.’

It doesn’t feel right to serve him anymore. He opens the cupboard, taking a mug and pouring himself a cup. Always black, no sugar. I can’t read my feelings here. It almost feels like apathy, and to feel that towards someone I once was married to feels strange. Where the hell is Kate? I then hear the sound of the dryer whirring into action. Like aunty, like niece.

I take a seat at the counter and watch him take off his coat, putting a hand through his hair. It’s the eyes that keep me quiet. I’ve not seen them like that before. Has he been crying? But there is a real melancholy there and I’m reminded of when his dad died five years ago and the raw grief he experienced. By that same measure, I remember how I propped him up at that time. I remember experiencing all those emotions with him, through him. How strange to suddenly feel so disconnected to him.

‘I’m so sorry, Zoe. I really fucked up.’ It’s such a complete sentence to describe the last six months that I let it sit there for a while so we can both absorb it. ‘Where are the kids?’

‘Have you not met our kids before?’ I say, looking at the clock. It’s nine-thirty. ‘You’ll be lucky if you see them before midday.’

He pretends to laugh, both of his hands around his mug, his shoulders slumped over. ‘How are they?’

‘They’re so bloody angry with you. I mean, they were pretty angry already so it’s like you just added another layer of wrath there.’

‘I just thought…’

‘Or didn’t. I can’t see how that situation was well thought out at all.’

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