Page 30 of Bad & Bossy

“How am I supposed to apologize when I don’t even remember what I did?”

“Just show her how you’ve changed. Show her that’s not you anymore.”

“That’s what I said,” Bobby interjected, nodding along.

The rest of the day passed in a haze. A haze that, for once, wasn’t brought on by alcohol but instead by mixed feelings and confusion. When I’d left six and a half months ago, Pen had been smaller, and I’d only seen her in passing a handful of times during the time leading up to rehab. But she was bigger now, smarter, and was becoming her own little person as she clung to her father. Their relationship was something I’d not witnessed properly until now, and seeing Gray fully in dad mode was certainly something that I hadn’t quite gotten used to.

But they shared a bond. More than my parents and I ever did. Watching them tugged at my heartstrings—the way she screamed with excitement as we all got onto the Ferris wheel and she wrapped her arms around his neck, the way her face lit up with joy when he’d won her the biggest prize at the ring toss. It was something I’d never been sure I could ever have, certainly not with my issues.

But I was clean now.

Maybe, just maybe, it was something I could have someday.

I could make up for the way I’d been treated in my youth. I could be the parent I’d always needed but never had. Gray was already showing me how, my parents had never taken me to the fair. I’d grown up being sent off alone with a driver or going out with my friends, sneaking in bottles of alcohol I’d stolen from my parent’s expansive liquor cabinet.

They could never be too bothered with raising me. Couldn’t even be bothered to spend any amount of time with me, if they had any say in it. I couldn’t remember a single childhood family vacation but god, could I remember them taking plenty and leaving me behind.

I needed to keep my mind off things like that. I was ten times better worrying about why Dana had abandoned me in the middle of the night than worrying about why my parents had done such a shitty job. It was my biggest trigger.

If by some miracle I was going to get a second chance with Dana, if I even deserved that, I needed to get my act together. I needed to hold onto my sobriety and keep myself sane. She didn’t need me at my worst, I’d already done enough damage there. I’d need to be stable, strong, and focused if I stood any fucking chance of winning her over.

But a part of me still wondered if I could make it last, if I could make it the rest of my life without falling victim to my vices.

Chapter 10

Dana

The waiting room of Drew’s pediatrician was a nightmare. Sneezing, snotty, screaming kids surrounded us on all sides. Somehow, despite the noise, Drew napped quietly in his carrier on the chair next to me.

Vee had told me she was happy to take him instead, but everything she did lately had been getting on my nerves to the point of me not even considering it. It was his four-month checkup. Besides, I should be the one to take him, the one to be there. But mostly, I wanted to take him out of spite for my sister.

She hadn’t shut up about how I should let my parents meet him, how I should forgive them, give Mom the chance to show me that she had changed. It was incessant, and with every passing hour, I was starting to regret letting her stay with me, even if it was helpful to have another set of hands with Drew. I didn’t think there was a single bone in my body capable of forgiving Mom, or Dad, by extension.

Had she forgotten everything we’d gone through? Had she dismissed our entire childhood, looking at it through rose-colored glasses?

Looking down at Drew and focusing on him helped to drown out the cries and shouts of the other kids in the waiting room. He was so peaceful, so calm, his little nose just barely beginning to leak. His lips and eyebrows twitched as he slept. My everything, all bundled in one tiny package.

How was anyone capable of not caring about something so perfect?

————

The biting cold was nothing against my warm cheeks, overly puffy jacket, and determination.

I’d wanted Mom to come with me. Stranger danger, and all that. But Jenny only lived a few houses down, Mom had said, and I’d be fine. She’d done that weird thing again where her words had all slid together into one string of consciousness, but I was getting better at deciphering it when it happened.

Making a mental note to ask about it during the health portion of class, I jumped from the bottom step of our front porch into the winter wonderland before me, making an indent into the snow that nearly reached my shins. Dad hadn’t shoveled our walkway, he said we didn’t need to seeing as we walked over it every day. But the snow had picked up since Dad and Vee had gone to the mall, their tracks barely visible in the uneven slush beneath my feet.

To Jenny’s and back. Ten minutes. I’d be fine.

She was in the grade above me and had offered to let me borrow one of the books she had to read when she was in my class last year. Mrs. Stein had assigned us the project on Friday, and with Monday quickly approaching, I needed that book.

I tried to treat the walk like an adventure. Each little snowflake was a wonder, no matter how small. The Christmas lights our neighbors had decorated their houses with weren’t on yet, and I found myself wishing they were so I’d have something other than a wall of white to look at as I trudged along, the wind howling and stinging my cheeks. If my parents had the time or energy to hang Christmas lights, I’d definitely make sure they were on all the time.

I counted the houses as I walked. One, with a deflated Santa Claus blow-up decoration lying limply on the lawn. Two, with hanging icicle lights and plastic reindeer in the front yard. Three, with a trash can sitting on the edge of the road filled with half-used wrapping paper. I stopped for a moment, considering plucking out one of the plastic tubes so I could wrap up Vee’s gift in something other than printer paper. The longer I looked, the more the patterns on them stuck out to me.

Huh. One of them was the same pattern I’d seen on Santa’s gifts to me last Christmas.

Weird.

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