Page 61 of Bad & Bossy

“More,” I repeated through clenched teeth. “You, this, everything. All of it. More.”

A sudden, wailing cry shook me back into reality.

Cole froze beneath me and my hips locked, each of us waiting for the inevitable follow-up. It could have just been in his sleep, could have been someone else’s baby in another residence?—

A sharper, needier one bled out from the cracked door, and god fucking dammit, I wanted to join him in wailing my brains out.

Cole slid his fingers from me and held me closer as he lifted us both from the chair. “I’ve got him,” he said, absent-mindedly sticking his digits in his mouth and cleaning them off before stepping around me.

“Cole—”

But he had already stepped through the door and was rushing over to the crib, leaving me there on the balcony exposed and wanting. I watched through the glass as he picked up Drew, holding him against his bare chest and bobbing up and down, soothing him the way they say to in every parenting book. He offered him his giraffe but he batted it away. Instead, he fetched a bottle, holding it up to his lips and swiping the little bit of milk at the tip against his mouth. Drew sucked it in, problem solved.

What was stopping me from telling him? Why couldn’t I put those words together, why couldn’t I just tell him and face the consequences? It didn’t make sense to me. I hated secrets, always had, and yet here I was keeping the biggest one I could’ve ever dreamed of.

Maybe Cole had already put the pieces together. Maybe it wasn’t some big realization he needed to have.

Maybe he’d already accepted that Drew was his son.

Chapter 21

Cole

Day seven, and we’d made it to our final meeting. The last three days of the trip were to be spent in whatever way each person wanted. I’d offered to pay for outings, day trips, excursions… whatever the staff wanted to do was on me.

I hadn’t had a better seven days in as long as I could remember. I’d been in either my penthouse or Dana’s suite, spending nearly every second that wasn’t dedicated to working with her and Drew. We’d had the occasional dinner and trip down to the beach, but outside of that, I just wanted to be around her. I didn’t sleep or function nearly as well when she wasn’t next to me, and as much as I worried that maybe my sponsor was right and I was chasing a high I’d replaced with Dana, I didn’t give myself the space to think about it.

I checked her suite once I was finally able to leave the executives behind but came up empty. Instead, I made my way up to the penthouse, hoping maybe she and Drew would be there but no trace of them.

Sighing, I collapsed on the bed, eyeing the stash of alcohol the hotel had left as a present for me. But I didn’t even crave it, didn’t want it. I wanted her.

I’d barely been able to keep her off my mind, and when my thoughts weren’t swirling with her, they were filled with Drew. Something about being with him, even when Dana wasn’t around, had brought me a sense of peace that I wasn’t used to. Sure, he screamed like a banshee sometimes and didn’t always smell like sunshine and daisies, but there was something about him. Something I didn’t feel when I held Brody. Something that felt familiar, like I wanted to slot him into my life right alongside Dana.

Maybe it was my growing sense of ease around kids. Or maybe it was because he was hers, therefore, he was a part of her.

I’d never given as much thought to having a family as I had in the last couple of months. I was never entirely against the idea; if I was I would have gone above and beyond to get a vasectomy the moment I was legally able to. I just didn’t think having a family was a good idea unless and until I’d overcome my issues and gave up the resentment I had for my parents.

Though I wasn’t sure that was something that would ever go away.

How was I supposed to be a parent when I had never learned how? How could I raise a family when my own wanted nothing to do with me? In fairness, until I was about eight years old, my parents did treat me like I was worthy of their time and attention when they were capable of giving it to me. But after I stopped believing in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny, after I outgrew watching kiddie cartoons and wanting sugary cereal for breakfast, it was as if I’d become nothing more than a crumpled-up piece of paper, my purpose served, already formed and broken.

If they hadn’t driven me to my aunt’s and left me for good, I probably would have turned out worse. I probably would have gotten that vasectomy, swore off a family of my own, and gone down the rabbit hole with alcohol harder, faster, and angrier. But Aunt Kathy took pity on me, saw my parents for what they were, and treated me as her own. Even through the chaos of my teenage years and the fuck-ups I made along the way, she cared. I could still hear her screaming her head off at my high school graduation, her pride far too big to keep in.

Her death a few months after I graduated college hit me hard. I’d only just invested in the property that would become Pearson Beers and I left it on the back burner, choosing instead to bury my grief in the bottom of a bottle. I’d started running with the wrong crowd again after a few years of being on the straight and narrow. I’d let it all slip. But Brody Hammersmith, Lottie’s father and little Brody’s namesake, had helped me figure out how to become successful on my own.

He’d also taken pity on me.

Thinking about them, Aunt Kathy and Brody, lit something inside of me. It had been far too long since I’d let myself dwell on my past for fear that it would spark up that burn at the top of my chest, the want to drink. But it didn’t this time.

Instead, it made me want to appreciate what I had, made me want to live more in the moment and not take for granted what I’d been given.

It made me want to take a step further with Dana.

I’m still not going to date you. Her voice echoed in my head, tugging my lips up. She’d made that decision before I’d met Drew, before either of us had delved deeper than we thought we would. A fresh start might have been the initial goal, with the occasional hookup and an uncertain future, but that’s no longer what I wanted. And even though she teased me, even though she kept saying it, I wasn’t sure she meant it. Keep telling yourself that.

But taking things to the next level meant commitments, commitments that I wasn’t sure I could reliably keep. If I made it official with her, and things progressed further, would I be setting myself up for a life raising another man’s child? Was that something I had an issue with? It didn’t feel like it right now but how would it affect me as he grew, as Drew began to ask questions and resemble whomever he came from?

And would I be able to stay clean for all of it?

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