Page 106 of Bad & Bossy

The doorbell sounded and I watched as Lottie looked inside as if fate was answering my call. But I knew better than that—it wasn’t him.

I’d gotten a text about twenty minutes ago that a package was two stops away.

“I got it,” I grumbled, stepping over the baby gate and making my way to the door.

A man stood there in all blue, a USPS logo across his chest, with a clipboard jutting into my personal space. Behind him, two women offloaded an oversized package, the memory of Cole dropping off a similar-looking package almost one year ago today flashing in my mind as I signed my name. That package had been a gigantic stuffed bear that Drew had lost his mind over. This, from the looks of it, was some kind of rideable monster truck.

“Sorry, ma’am, I need a signature from Drew Beechings,” the man said, staring at my penmanship as if I were insane.

“He’s two,” I snapped. “So unless you have a crayon and some free time to teach him to write, mine, his mother’s, should be good enough.”

He let the conversation drop as the two women deposited the box in my living room. I waited until the three of them left before checking the note on the side of the package, my stomach dropping. I already knew who it would be from. I didn’t need the reminder, not today. But I owed it to him.

I dropped to my knees and turned the small piece of cardstock paper in my hand.

Dana,

Thank you. You’ve done more for me, for our son, than words on a card could ever hope to describe. You’re an incredible mother and I cannot even begin to try to articulate how much I appreciate the work you put into raising Drew every single day. You deserve nothing but the best, always and forever.

I hope that one day I can prove my worth to both of you.

Cole

P.S. Please stop with the check mailing game. You won’t win.

The knot in the back of my throat quickly grew about ten sizes.

I choked out a sob as the tears hit me, dripping onto the little card and smudging the ink. Without thinking, I wiped it on my jeans, smearing the ink more, and fuck, that only made it worse.

“Mama!”

Drew’s body slammed into the box as he took in the picture on the side of it. I covered my mouth, scooting back toward the wall, trying to keep my emotions from him. I didn’t want him to see me like this, not when it felt like my fucking chest was caving in.

“Mama?” he said again, his head tilting to one side as he tugged on the zip ties wrapped around the box.

He didn’t miss it this time.

A shaking, heaving sob shook my body, and within seconds, Drew was scooped up. I blinked past the tears, forcing my vision to clear, and watched as Lottie hurriedly dropped Drew off on the other side of the baby gate before calling for my mom to watch him.

He didn’t miss it this time.

“Dana,” Lottie said, her knees hitting the floor beside me as she placed her hands on my shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

I pushed the card into her chest, hoping I hadn’t ruined it too badly, and watched as she read through the smudging.

Two years. Drew was two years old, and Cole had only been in his life for three months of it.

What the fuck had I done?

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Lottie breathed. Her fingers wiped away the tears blackened from my mascara, but it was only getting worse.

Every misstep, every stupid decision I had made, laid itself out in front of me like a goddamn art gallery. I should have reconciled with my parents sooner, maybe then I wouldn’t have been so hard on Cole. I shouldn’t have left him to fend for himself the way I did when he relapsed. I shouldn’t have pushed him away a year ago when he’d shown up at my door with a gift for Drew. The shame he must have felt when I still wouldn’t let him see his son. Was that why he’d had it delivered today instead?

“I fucked up,” I sobbed as Lottie wrapped her arms around me, tugging me into her chest. “I fucked it all up.”

“You haven’t,” she whispered.

“I’ve kept him from Drew for a year and a half.” The words came out broken, as mangled as my heart felt. If I could forgive my mother and let her back into my life, let her be around Drew, what the hell was stopping me all of these months? “I made a mistake. I made a fucking mistake, Lottie, and I can’t change it. I can’t take it back. I can’t give him that time back.”

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