Page 27 of Losing My Rejection

I just couldn’t figure out why he did that to me when no other man had.

And the more I wondered, the more confused I became. There was no real reason why I felt the way I did about him. His scent was incredible, when he touched me my entire body lit up, and the way he felt under my fingers drove me wild. It seemed like a pretty cut and dry case of having a serious crush on someone. But why him? Why not some other guy or any of the other men I’d met in my life. Did I have late-onset daddy issues or something? Was I just craving the company of other men because I’d lost the one that meant the most to me?

I was searching for some complicated psychological answer in the hopes that I would realize it wasn’t a man that I was attracted to, but a simple psychosis brought on by stress that was causing all these issues. I didn’t want the foundation of my identity shook to its core. That had already been done when I licked Andy’s cum off my fingers. I didn’t need any more upheaval in my life.

But no matter how hard I tried, all I could find was genuine affection for him. And that scared me more than any psychosis could. Coupled with the fact that I couldn’t force myself to wash his scent off me, I figured I was pretty fucking hooked. Just a couple of weeks with this man and one orgasm, that’s all it took to shatter my identity.

Then again, I knew it was already shattered. I didn’t have a pack, a family, or a home. In fact, there were only two things I was sure about; my love of cooking and the need to keep my job. I had to patch things up with Andy as soon as possible and let him know that I’d never do such a thing ever again. The mere thought of telling him things had to end made my chest hurt. But it had to be done.

My life had changed a lot, but there was one thing that hadn’t changed. I wasn’t gay. Andy was just a mistake. And now I needed to apologize. After that I could figure out how to live with myself.

It was afternoon by the time I managed to drag my sorry carcass out of bed and get dressed at last. Eventually I’d force myself to take a shower, but that was something to tackle after I told Andy there was nothing between us. Thinking about what he said that morning, I turned left instead of right as I exited my room, taking the back stairs to stay out of sight. I snuck out through the kitchens at the rear of the hotel without being spotted.

I didn’t head for my car, which was parked practically beside the front door. Amarok Cafe was only a handful of blocks away and after a long day of lying in bed beating myself up mentally, my legs needed the stretch. It gave me a chance to come up with something to say once I got there.

Well, ten minutes later when I walked through the front door of the cafe, I still hadn’t come up with anything intelligent to say. There weren’t many customers at this time of day, but then again, the store was coming up on closing time. We weren’t open for dinner hours. Not because we couldn’t sell, but because we needed the baking time to catch up for the coming day.

I gave the barista a little wave as I headed around the counter toward the kitchen door. I did my best not to look nervous or act oddly. Taking a deep breath to prepare myself, I pushed the door open and stepped into the kitchen, fully prepared for everything to go to hell in a handbasket.

But as soon as I stepped inside, Andy glanced over his shoulder at me, smiled, and went back to what he was doing. A rush of warmth bloomed in my chest and butterflies erupted in my stomach. The moment they did, I knew I was in trouble.

“Hey Josh,” he said, his bench scraper cutting through dough as he weighed out quantities for loaves. “I didn’t expect to see you today.”

I stood there for a solid fifteen seconds, not a word leaving my lips. I knew I should shout that there was nothing between us. That we couldn’t see one another like that again and that it would be best if we stayed just boss and employee. Even friends was too much. But I couldn’t bring myself to say any of them. Instead, all I could do was grab my apron from the hook and throw it over my head.

“I… figured you needed help,” were the words that came out of my mouth. “The party cleaned us out.”

“I do have quite a list.” He pointed to a couple sheets of paper with his chicken scratch scrawled across them. “I’d welcome your help if you’re okay with that.”

“Cooking helps me calm down,” I replied, stepping up to the list. A few items were already checked off, most of them recipes that required dough to rise. “I’ll take this list,” I said, grabbing the one with all the regular bakes.

“Thanks, babe.”

The pet name caught me off guard, but it filled my stomach with butterflies again. Andy had said it so nonchalantly. Like it was the most normal thing in the world. And I couldn’t bring myself to tell him to stop.

So I just started to bake.

The afternoon slipped by in silence that was only interrupted by the occasional whir of a machine or apology when we nearly ran into one another. There was so much to be done and I got lost in my work quickly. Of course, that didn’t stop me from looking over at Andy every chance I got. Every time I looked, I expected him to be staring. Instead, I found that he was just as engrossed in his work as I was. But that gave me more time to stare without his notice.

I spent the better part of an hour trying to convince myself he was unattractive by focusing on different parts of his body. His face was a no-go from the start. He had a cute mug, a bright smile, and I loved those eyes of his. Not to mention the freckles were adorable. Moving on to his shoulders I tried to convince myself they were too square and too bony. However, the only thing I ended up realizing was that he was a lot more fit than I thought. Each time he kneaded the dough in front of him, the muscles of his arms and shoulders would ripple under his t-shirt. Just the sight of it got me hot under the collar and I quickly moved on.

In the end all I ended up discovering was that I thought every inch of him was hot, especially his ass, and that trying to convince myself otherwise was a massive waste of time. Not to mention impossible. In fact, the more I looked at him and tried to compare his figure to that of a woman, the more I realized women were less appealing to look at. The thought frightened me a bit, but I dove back into my work before I could have a full-blown panic attack about it.

And that’s how the rest of the afternoon went. By the time the last pan came out of the oven, the world outside the bakery windows was dark and the shop was all closed up. The barista had gone home nearly four hours before. I couldn’t believe so much time slipped by so quickly. Then again, I had a tendency to get lost in my work, especially when I wanted to keep something off my mind.

“Let’s call it a night,” Andy said, switching off the ovens. “You can leave all that to cool for now. I’ll come down later and put it away.”

I nodded, pulling off my apron and hanging it on the hook next to the door. I was about to leave when Andy stepped up beside me, hanging his apron next to mine.

“Do you want to come up for a drink?” he asked. I started to shake my head, but he stopped me. “Just as an employee after a long day,” he added. “I’m not asking you to do anything else. You don’t even have to talk to me if you don’t want to.”

I knew I had to turn him down.

“Okay,” I heard myself say.

Great. Betrayed again by my own mouth.

“Come on,” Andy said, waving for me to follow. “I’ve got a secret entrance.”

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