Page 77 of Shadow Blind

Her face crumpled and huge, fat tears silently spilled down her cheeks. His chest burned. He drew her into his arms like she was priceless and fragile. But fear gnawed at him. Her expression was not one of relief. Her tears were the opposite of joy.

Something was wrong, but what? He’d told her he loved her. He’d told her they shared the same dream. Yet his love hadn’t changed her mind. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Do you know how Kait and Cosky turned this house into a home?” she asked into his shoulder, her voice thick.

He frowned; the question was so simple—there had to be a catch to it. “Because they love each other.”

“No. Well, yes, that too.” Her laugh was raw, and so sad it made his entire body clench. “But there’s more to a home, to a life together than love. They share their lives, Aiden. They share themselves with each other.”

His frown dug deeper. “Demi, nothing is stopping us from sharing our lives too. We can have what Kait and Cosky have.”

She withdrew from his arms with a sigh and used her palms to scrub the tears from her cheeks. “When I said they share their lives, I meant they’re together almost all the time.” Squaring her shoulders, she looked him straight in the eye. “What’s your plan, Aiden? Kait says she’s not sure you’re going to return to the SEALs. Is that true?”

He watched her cautiously. “I’m not sure. Things are up in the air at the moment.”

She nodded, unsurprised by his confession. “If you don’t remain with the SEALs, are you going to join Wolf and Cosky and your other friends here at Shadow Mountain?”

He instinctively shook his head. “I don’t belong here.”

“No? Then where do you belong? What will you do?”

Scowling, he backed up, creating space between them. There was an undercurrent to her question that scratched at him. Instinctively, he realized she was finally getting to the reason she was breaking up with him, and he wouldn’t like it.

“Are you asking what I’m qualified to do for a living?” Although he sensed that wasn’t what she was asking—it was something more. Something deeper. “Former SEALs are in high demand once they leave their teams. Trust me, I won’t have trouble finding an alternative career path.”

“I know you won’t.” Except…she didn’t look relieved. “But whatever you do next will mimic your life as a SEAL, won’t it? Saving people, protecting people, rescuing people. Going after bad guys. Racing all over the world being a hero.” She paused, and her voice dropped to a whisper. “How often would you be home?”

And there it was. His throat tightened. “Demi—”

“I don’t want an absent husband, Aiden.” The resolve on her face was rock solid. Her voice strengthened. “I want a man who is home every night. Someone who eats dinner and breakfast with me. I want a man who’s around to play with our kids, to teach them baseball and basketball, to take them camping on weekends. I want a husband who is embedded in our lives, not lurking in the periphery.” Her voice thickened. “I want a husband who trusts me enough to share his secrets.” Her voice turned watery. “Who trusts me enough to talk about his nightmares. I want what Kait has, a committed, present husband.”

Aiden took another step back, his mind spinning.

“I trust you,” he protested. But the thought of revealing his nightmares knotted his gut. He needed to protect her from what he’d seen…what he’d done. He needed to keep his personal life with her separate from his job.

If he left WARCOM, his new career would probably be in private security. There wouldn’t be as much blood, or as much death in that line of work. The nightmares were bound to ease, maybe even vanish. At least he wouldn’t disturb her sleep anymore.

Except a foggy, elongated face tried to push its way into his mind. He shoved it back. He had no clue what mission had spawned that freaky nightmare. But he’d had enough of it. Time to put it to rest.

He refocused, trying to find an argument that would appease her. If he joined a private security firm, he wouldn’t be gone as long, or as often, as during his career with the SEALs. Although the job would still call him away. Even something as simple as protecting the rich and famous would involve traveling with the client—living with them when necessary. And rescue operations would involve even more time away from home—the planning, the scouting, the actual operation.

Unable to remain still, he circled the living room, his mind flipping through everything she’d said. He needed to buy some time to come up with a compromise that would convince her to give him another chance.

“Everything is fluid right now. I have no idea what I’ll be doing tomorrow, let alone a month from now.” He paused his pacing and turned to her, skimming a tired hand over his head. The exhaustion was back, sucking the ability to rationalize from his brain. “How about we pause this discussion until we have a better idea of where I’m headed and what I’ll be doing?”

The only thing he knew for certain was that he’d be going after Kuznetsov as soon as he had a location. And yeah, that would involve several days away from Demi. But it was critical that they lock the bastard and his weapon down. Of course, bagging and interrogating Kuznetsov was just the beginning. They’d still need to identify the party responsible for developing the nanobot weapon and passing it off to Kuznetsov. Taking down the weapon’s developer would mean even more time away from Demi. But he wasn’t willing to sit out on either operation. Demi would just have to accept that.

“But we know one thing already, don’t we?” Demi’s voice was too quiet and knowing for Aiden’s peace of mind. “You won’t be taking a nine-to-five desk job pushing papers around, will you? Anything you choose to do will be full of adrenaline and risk. It will be hero stuff. And heroes die.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “That’s the other problem, Aiden. Death already took one man I loved. Losing him almost destroyed me…did destroy a part of me.”

His breath caught. He took a shaky step toward her, suddenly seeing the chasm in front of them. “Demi—”

She held up her palm. “No. Let me finish. Before I met Donnie, before his death, I could have sent you off into danger, because part of me would have been certain you’d always come back. Part of me would have been certain that death would never happen to us, that we’d be spared. Donnie’s death cured me of such foolish thinking.” She took a deep breath and shook her head. “I’m sorry, but I won’t sit around waiting for a knock on my door telling me I’ve lost you. I won’t open myself—or my children—to that kind of pain.” She sucked in a deep, raw breath and continued quietly. “I know what you do is important. I know the world needs men like you, men willing to sacrifice themselves to keep the world safe. But having to wait on the sidelines while you’re off fighting the evil in the world, uncertain whether you’re alive or dead, uncertain if I’ll ever see you again… I can’t do it. I won’t do it. A life like that, full of uncertainty and fear, would destroy me.”

Aiden reeled back, his hope that they could find a compromise extinguished by her explanation.

She’d been right. He couldn’t give her what she needed. He was incapable of taking a pencil pusher job so she could have her safe husband.

If waiting on the sidelines, constantly fearing that knock on the door would destroy her, then sitting back, and letting others risk their lives to keep the world safe, would destroy him.

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