Page 101 of Peace Under Fire

She blew out an exasperated breath. “Because you’d made it clear while we were on the phone that you found my virginal state pathetic.” Not just pathetic, but pitiably laughable.

His thick black eyebrows flew up in apparent surprise and then lowered. A distant look slipped through his eyes, as though he was searching for that memory. “That’s not what I said. I said you needed someone better than me for your first time.”

“Same thing,” she muttered.

His brow furrowed and he shook his head. “Not even close.”

She scowled. Sure, it wasn’t. She didn’t see him jumping to seal their deal, now, did she? “Anyway, I didn’t want you to know how pathetic I was, so I…exaggerated things a bit.”

“Exaggerated? A bit?” His lips twitched. “You convinced me you’d been with dozens of guys. You went on and on about how much you loved sex.” A dark cloud touched his face.

He was right. Not that she intended to admit it, so she shrugged instead. “It shouldn’t have mattered what I told you. I was going home. I never planned to see you again. You weren’t supposed to find out.”

And she certainly never expected him to do a sudden about-face and express interest in hooking up with her.

“Right.” He paused, frowning.

Was he trying to find the right words to let her down gently? She sighed and straightened her shoulders. “It’s okay if you’ve changed your mind. I know this isn’t what you were expecting.” Or looking for.

“I haven’t changed my mind.” His words were absent, as though he was thinking about something else. But then his expression sharpened. “Have you?”

Her mouth fell open in surprise. That was not the response she’d expected.

“Uh, no.” She stumbled over the admission. A pause grew between them as she gave him time to think things over. “Are you sure? You were quite clear you didn’t want to take my virginity earlier.” Painfully clear. No, that wasn’t quite right, more like agonizingly certain.

What had changed his mind?

“Mandy…” He swore softly, dragging a hand over his head. “I never said I didn’t want to be your first. I meant that you deserved someone a hell of a lot better than me for your first time.”

She tried to wrap her head around that. She really did, but—better than him? “Like who?”

“I don’t know.” He grimaced. “I tried not to think about who. Just someone who didn’t kill people for a living, I guess.”

He’d brought up his career choice before. And then there were all his comments about death and destruction. She’d thought they were an excuse to back away from her, but maybe they weren’t. Maybe he honestly believed he had too much blood and death on his soul to make him suitable for a woman.

“Jacob…” She stumbled to a stop, uncertain how to comfort him.

He was such a strong, confident man. She’d never expected him to have these kinds of reservations about himself. She thought back over his dreams. They were often filled with darkness, with death. She should’ve paid more attention to the themes in his nightmares.

Still, it stunned her that he believed this about himself. He was far from the monster he claimed to be.

“Have you ever gone after someone who didn’t deserve it? Someone who hadn’t taken innocent lives, or who wasn’t planning on killing innocent people?”

He frowned, his eyes darkening. “That’s not the point.”

“Yes, it is.” Her voice was adamant. “You aren’t a serial killer. You don’t randomly torture and kill people. You take lives because you’re ordered to. Because for each life you take, you’re saving dozens of future lives.”

A scowl plastered itself across his face and his eyes darkened to midnight. “It isn’t as cut and dried as that.”

He was probably right, but still… “Maybe not, but you have to admit there is evil in this world.” She thought of the cockroaches, of what they’d done to her family, were still doing to her sisters. “Some people simply deserve to die. By killing them, by ripping them from this world, you’re doing humanity a favor.” She believed that wholeheartedly.

He didn’t look convinced. Instead, he changed the subject. “In answer to your question, your lack of experience hasn’t changed my mind. I still want you.”

“It hasn’t? You do?” She forgot to breathe. “So, we’re still going through with this?”

He nodded, a satisfied expression touching his face. “But with some adjustments.” He dropped down to the blanket and crossed his legs. “We’re going to take things slow and let you get used to me. Let you get used to my touch, my kiss. We won’t move forward with anything unless you’re comfortable with it.” He paused to scowl. “And for Christ’s sake, give that laptop back to Alaska. If you have any questions, ask me.”

Her head was tingling. She thought it was lack of oxygen, but maybe it was because of nerves mixed with excitement. To be safe, she took a deep breath. “But I don’t know how to do anything. You’re okay with that?”

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