Page 39 of A Little Light

“Did I…ask who what?”

“Rach, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Andi. Did you ask Andi out on that date?”

Rachel smiled weakly, still hurt by the turn of events that evening had taken. “Oh, no. It’s not something she would be into, I don’t think.”

“Oh, so you’re a mind reader now, too?”

Rachel didn’t appreciate Kelly’s sarcasm. Not at all. “She wants to book me, okay? Are you happy now? Your best friend is only good for one thing, and that is looking pretty for all the women in the city.”

“W-what?”

“Yeah. Andi has asked if she can book me. Something about easing her back into dating. And I just…I feel really miserable about it. I thought she was different, Kelly. But I guess they’re all the same, really. With Juliet, I was only good for fucking. With Andi, it’ll probably go that way, too, if I allow it. Which I won’t. I’m never making that stupid mistake again.”

“Oh, babe. You know that’s not true.”

At one time, Rachel would have slapped herself for thinking that way. She knew what she was capable of. She knew she could be happy in a relationship. But the longer this sort of thing went on—only being what someone needed when it suited them—the more she had to question whether she just wasn’t what women wanted in a long-term relationship. “I think it is. I’m thirty-five, and there’s absolutely no sign of me settling down. I know I fucked Andi around for a moment or two, and I know she had stuff going on, but the last thing I expected on Saturday was for her to consider herself a potential client.”

“Are you going to go through with it? Are you going to take her on as a client?”

“I…thought I could,” Rachel admitted as she slumped back on the couch. “But I don’t think I can. She means too much to me at this point, and I’m worried about what could happen.”

“I hate to say this, but I think you’re making the right choice. I’m sure you’d have a lovely time with Andi, and it would mean you could see her and get paid, but you speak differently about her…and I know you’re becoming attached.”

Rachel would usually deny that, but Kelly was right on the money. “I am. Unfortunately.”

“So, what’s next?”

“She’s been calling me. I haven’t picked up yet. I don’t really know what to say to her right now.”

Kelly sighed. “You should be honest with her, Rae.”

“I know. But I fear that when I am honest with her, I won’t see her anymore. I feel so torn because the perfect way to ensure I do see her is to take her on as a client. But then I remember the times we’ve spent together and how often she’s never made me feel like an escort. I’m proud of who I am, and I’ll always be proud, but…she made me feel different until Saturday night. She didn’t look at me as though we had a contract in place. She didn’t check me out as I approached her table. Well, she did, but not like a client would. She appreciated me for me.”

“I’m sorry, babe. Really sorry. You’ve seemed a little less distracted since Andi came into your life. I hoped it would have worked out differently for you. But look, don’t tar everyone with the same brush. The right person will come along one day.”

Andi was the right person. Rachel pushed that from her mind immediately. Andi couldn’t be that person anymore, and the sooner Rachel forgot about her, the better. “I’m sure everything will be fine.”

“It will. Because it’s always fine. We move on, right?”

Rachel smiled. “We do. But I have to go now because I should really eat something. I’ve not been feeling like much, so while I have some kind of appetite, food would be a good idea.”

“Do you want me to come over?” Kelly asked, tapping away at her keyboard. “I can bring wine and chocolate.”

“No, but thank you. I think I’m going to eat dinner and then shower. Maybe an early night will clear my head. If not, at least it beats sitting around here going over everything again.”

“I’m going to call you in the morning, okay? I need to know that you’re not struggling, Rae. I never want to see you in the state you were in at the beginning of the year.”

Right now, Rachel couldn’t wait to see the back of this fucking year. It had to be one of her worst on record. While she was thriving in her career, the rest of her life was turning to shit quicker each day. She hadn’t known it could get any worse than it had when Juliet dropped her, but the ache in her chest over the last five days said otherwise.

“I won’t let that happen. I’m okay.” Rachel had to be okay. Nobody else would look after her other than herself. “I caught this in time with Andi. That’s important.”

“You’ll call me if you need anything, won’t you?”

Rachel got to her feet and moved into the kitchen. She was still madly in love with this loft. “I will. Now, I’m going to eat some carbs and then wallow. Talk to you soon.”

“Bye, babe.”

Rachel placed her phone on the island and moved towards the fridge. She wasn’t sure she had anything in to make a substantial meal, but something was better than nothing. She hadn’t been lying when she told Kelly that she’d had no appetite. Since Saturday night, everything just felt off within her. Her sleeping pattern hadn’t been great. Her skin felt dehydrated. And her eyes…well, she was going to need sunglasses if she didn’t kick all of this into touch soon.

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