Page 30 of A Little Light

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“I’m sorry about this,” Andi said, her hand trembling as she lifted her coffee cup. “You really don’t have to stay with me. I’m okay.”

“Andi, you’re shaking. I’m not leaving you while you’re feeling like this.”

Andi looked up at Rachel. That was exactly the kind of thing Jane would have said to her. She hadn’t expected to be in this state leaving the loft, but here she was, being supported by a woman she barely even knew. A woman who had been avoiding her.

“Talk to me, Andi. Please.”

Andi didn’t know what to say. She was shocked at the position she found herself in. Of course she knew this day would arrive—Jane had been gone since last year—but she’d moved out of the loft weeks ago. This should have been far easier than it seemed to be. “I’m just a little anxious about the future. Where I’m headed, you know?”

“That’s understandable.”

“I don’t want to feel this way. I can’t change what’s happened, so I don’t want to feel like this. I hate it. Never knowing what each day will bring, if I’ll ever be happy again…”

“You will.” Rachel slid her hand across the table, placing it over Andi’s. Warmth was the first thing Andi felt. Attraction was the second. But it was an attraction she would have to bury immediately. “Things take time. You know that.”

“How much time, though?”

“Well, everyone is different.” Rachel’s hand remained over Andi’s. It shouldn’t feel right and safe, but it did. Just friends, Andi reminded herself. Andi needed all the friends she could get now that she spent most of her time alone. And new friends were always nice. “I know leaving the loft is a huge deal for you, but you do know you’re always welcome to come over, don’t you?”

Andi smiled, and then she lowered her eyes. “I’m not so sure that’s true. I don’t forget the conversations we’ve had lately.”

“Forget about that conversation. Forget about the things I said at the market, too. Whenever you need to talk, or if you want to come over for a cuppa, you’re more than welcome.”

“Thank you.” Andi wouldn’t take Rachel up on that offer. It was clear that Rachel had wanted to cut ties once the sale had gone through, so she would allow that to happen. But she wasn’t cruel enough to admit that right now. Rachel was trying to be a friend, and that was the most important thing.

“I do mean that. What you said last week threw me. I’m not sure even you expected to say what you did. But we can be friends, can’t we?”

Andi considered it. She wasn’t a teenager with raging hormones. She could be friends with Rachel. It may not feel that way today, she had so much going on in her head, but she could. “We can. If you’re sure that’s really what you want.”

“I…know you pulled some strings to get the sale through quicker.” Rachel looked pointedly at Andi, but she was wrong. She hadn’t pulled any strings. She was simply trusting that Rachel wasn’t dodgy. “You didn’t have to do that for me, but it just shows the kind of person you are.”

“I didn’t pull any strings.”

Rachel laughed. “Of course you did. A house sale completion in two weeks? Even four weeks would be sheer luck.”

Andi lifted a shoulder, not meeting Rachel’s eyes. “The sale hasn’t gone through yet. I chose to hand over the keys to you so you could start to prepare for Christmas in your new home.” Andi did look up this time, not surprised by the shocked look on Rachel’s face. “And because I was sure you didn’t want to have to deal with me again. The plan is to have someone else from my office deal with your final paperwork.”

“O-oh.”

“Look, Rachel. We don’t have to pretend that you’re remotely interested in remaining friends. I know you’re not. I would have loved the chance to prove myself to you, but things are awkward and strained between us. I can’t live my life that way. I’m too old to wonder or care what people think of me.”

“I do want to be friends. I avoided you because I felt really shit about being at your place.”

“Why? If you’re not interested in me, you’re not interested in me.”

Rachel swallowed. “I am interested in you. The problem is that I can’t be.” Andi tried to remain neutral with her facial expression, but Rachel smiled weakly. “Surely you know I’m attracted to you, Andi. I may be good at my job, but I’m not that good when it comes to someone I genuinely like.”

“I-I…”

“So, I’d love to stay in touch with you. I’d love to spend the evening with you again at some point. But it has to be as friends. So long as you understand that it’s simply the way it has to be, then I’d really love to see you again.”

Andi saw how much Rachel was struggling with whatever was going on inside her mind, so she straightened in her seat and beamed a smile. “I…did want to invite you to a friend’s Christmas party.”

“Oh, I love a Christmas party. You can count me in. Just let me know the date so I don’t book in with any clients that night. Or…the following day, depending on the kind of friends you have.”

Andi laughed for the first time that day. “Yeah, it’s probably a good idea if you take the following day off, too.”

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