Page 80 of Study You

Gillian strolled into the lift, a soft, fluffy robe covering her skin after the most indulgent full-body massage. Finn had booked it as a surprise for her, leaving Gillian speechless as she waved her off over an hour ago. She hadn’t known it was possible to feel so happy all of the time, but Gillian was absolutely going to enjoy those moments. Finn hadn’t needed to do this for her; she hadn’t needed to surprise her with anything at all. Yet here she was, at a fancy hotel and about to return to the very woman Gillian was head over heels in love with.

Oh, God. Don’t go into that room and open your mouth.

Gillian hoped Finn at least felt the love she had for her. Until she was brave enough to be honest, to tell Finn exactly what she meant to her, Gillian prayed Finn felt it. It was important that Finn never felt unsure about them, even if it was mostly Gillian who was the uncertain one. Really, Finn had been the perfect partner.

The lift reached their floor, and Gillian stepped out, taking the short walk to the room. In seconds, she would be in Finn’s arms again. In seconds, she would have the privilege of gazing into those ocean-blue eyes while running her fingers through Finn’s soft blonde hair. She shuddered; Finn did unimaginable things to her body.

She swiped the key card against the electronic pad on the door, quietly opening it as the light flashed green. She could just about make out Finn’s feet, the TV playing quietly. This room was so peaceful that Finn had probably fallen asleep once she’d walked Gillian to the lift earlier. As she took the small hallway, passing the bathroom as she did, she found Finn exactly how she expected to. Sleeping.

Gillian stopped for a moment, watching Finn’s chest rise and fall slowly. She had been working so hard lately to complete the house that Gillian was certain this was the first downtime she’d had in weeks. Maybe longer. She crept across the room, crawled onto the bed, and carefully lay down beside Finn. God, even the bed was so comfortable and luxurious that she wasn’t sure they’d make it out for dinner tomorrow. Could they just lock themselves away and hold one another until they were kicked out?

She draped an arm over Finn’s stomach, snuggling into her.

“Hey,” Finn spoke quietly, shifting and pulling the comforter from the bottom of the bed over them. “How was your massage?”

“Amazing. Thank you.”

Finn kissed Gillian’s forehead and wrapped her up in her arms. “Good. I wanted to do something relaxing for you.”

“Finn,” Gillian said, tilting her head and finding Finn’s eyes. “You really are perfect.”

“So long as that’s what you think of me, that’s all I care about.” Finn lowered herself further down the bed and turned on her side, coming face to face with Gillian. “And I hope you know how perfect you are to me, too.”

Sometimes Gillian had to wonder if Finn was only being polite. How could she be perfect to one person, but walked all over by another? It didn’t make sense. “I know.”

“But…do you? Really?” Finn asked, giving Gillian a knowing look. “Because whenever I say something like that to you, you kinda go a bit vacant behind the eyes. Would you prefer it if I didn’t make those comments?”

“It depends entirely on whether you’re only saying it to make me smile or not.”

Finn frowned. “I say it because it’s true, babe.”

Was it possible that it could be true? Gillian had never felt as though it was. Perhaps that was down to her cheating husband, though. No, she knew it was the reason she had spent the last eighteen months or so feeling worthless. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Finn stroked her fingertips up and down Gillian’s thigh beneath the comforter.

Gillian exhaled a long, slow breath. Maybe it was time to open up a little more. She didn’t want a relationship where she held anything back. Especially not with Finn. “My ex-husband cheated on me,” Gillian said, scoffing as she looked down between them. She toyed with the string on Finn’s hoodie, choosing to focus on that rather than the expression on Finn’s face. “With my cousin. It had been going on for two years.”

“Prick.”

“Maybe, I don’t know.”

Finn sighed. “Don’t know what? If he’s a prick?”

“Whether it was my fault that he cheated.” Gillian had spent a long time going over it all in her head. She hadn’t done anything wrong in their marriage, but Dave had decided he was unhappy somewhere along the way. Surely she’d contributed without knowing. “When I caught them, he didn’t even apologise. He told me that I wasn’t a good wife. I made him so unhappy that sometimes he didn’t want to come home from work, and sleeping beside me made him miserable.” Gillian had never told anyone the things Dave said. She had told Jan enough to satisfy her, but this was the first time she’d ever opened up like this. Now that she’d started, Gillian didn’t want to stop. It felt surprisingly freeing. “I stupidly asked him if he wanted to try marriage counselling, even though I didn’t love him anymore. While I was trying to do things right, to abide by my vows, I secretly hated him. I had done for years.”

“I think that sometimes, settling for what we’re familiar with makes us feel safer. You know? We assume things will get better, and when they don’t, it’s just easier to stay. I don’t think anyone is wrong for that, as humans we prefer to bury our true feelings when it comes to love or failed relationships.” Finn lifted a hand from beneath the cover and took Gillian’s. “Having said that, what he did was wrong. And if I ever hear him saying shit like that to you, I’ll punch his bastard lights out.”

Gillian smiled at that. Finn struck her as the protective type. “When we first met and I used my job as my reason for not going further, that wasn’t strictly true. Of course it plays quite a huge part in all of this, but it wasn’t only that.”

“You thought I wouldn’t think much of you…”

“Before you walked into my lecture, I didn’t leave the house unless it was for work. Some days I didn’t eat, and there were nights when I lay awake wondering how to better myself. And then there were the times when I decided it was just easier and probably better for everyone else if I went to work and then came home. I felt like a complete failure, Finn. It’s only now that you’re in my life that I see any hope at all.”

Finn guided Gillian onto her back and propped her head in her hand. Her robe separated a little, and as Finn grazed her trimmed nails down her skin, Gillian shuddered. “I don’t know what you’ve been through, not really. I don’t know how you feel about your future, about me, or whether you even see us going anywhere. Because I know that you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop…and I leave. But I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to walk away, or hurt you, or look elsewhere.” Finn dipped her head and kissed Gillian, her palm resting against her chest. When she pulled back, those blue eyes left Gillian breathless. “I’m falling in love with you, Gillian. You’re all I think about. You’re…all I see. I want a future with you. I need to see where we go.”

A lump formed in Gillian’s throat, tears slipping to the pillow beneath her head. Finn was falling in love with her? Astonishing…

“You are nothing that he says. You’re fucking amazing, and I wouldn’t want to wake up beside anyone else. You have brought so much to my life, babe. Whatever happens, I need you to remember that.”

---