Page 49 of Study You

“My pleasure…is your pleasure.”

Gillian spoke the very same words Finn had said to her before Christmas.

“Exactly.”

“We’ve had sex plenty of times, Finn. I don’t understand why now, tonight, was any different.”

“You’re right. We have. I’ve been having the best sex of my life with you. And I hope you feel mostly the same way about me.”

“God, I do. You know I do.”

Finn shifted closer, resting Gillian’s hand on her thigh where she held it. “Tonight changed for me because the moment you put your mouth on me, the second I came for you like that…that supposed meaningless sex went right out the window. I didn’t see you as some hot fuck anymore. Though, if I’m being honest, I’ve never only seen you as that. You’ve always meant that little bit more to me. I’ve always cared a little extra and tried a little harder when it comes to you.”

“Why?” Gillian asked, her brows drawn together.

“Honestly? Because I’m into you.” Finn expected Gillian to pull away, but she didn’t. Thankfully. Well, this is going better than I anticipated. “And I know that was never what this was supposed to be, so I can only apologise. I can only hope that you don’t hate me for how I feel. I could keep doing this and try to block it all out, but I’m not strong enough for something like that. I don’t think I have it in me to just constantly not care. You mean too much to me at this point to just meet up so we can fuck, Gillian.”

“Thank you for being honest with me.”

“Hey, honesty is all I can give you at this point. And I know it’s going to be tough for me to see you around campus and know we don’t have anything anymore, but we survive, and we adapt. We grow, and we move forward. I just hope you know that I haven’t taken what I wanted from you, and now I don’t need it anymore. That couldn’t be further from the truth.”

Gillian sniffled and lowered her head.

“You’ve always been upfront about what you wanted. You’ve never once steered away from that or done anything to cause me to feel this way. Nothing intentionally, anyway. But…over time, this would just end up hurting me. And I don’t have the time or want to be hurt. I have so much going on at home that I’ve realised tonight that I can only have one or the other. I can’t have both. No matter how much of an escape you’ve been for me…I don’t believe it’s going to be beneficial in the long run. I’ve always been a carer, and I suppose I always will be in some way. I should focus on that and stop using sex as a way to unwind.”

“We made a mess of things here, didn’t we?”

“Maybe, but it was a beautiful mess in my eyes.” Finn brushed a tear from Gillian’s cheek. “You don’t know how lucky I feel to know you. To be given the chance to be with you. This…it really has meant so much to me.”

“It’s meant so much to me, too.” Gillian stared into Finn’s eyes. “You’ve helped me to discover who I am and what I want.”

“I’m glad I could do that for you. It’s time to look at the positives of life, right?”

“Mm. I hope you can do that.”

Finn grinned. “I meant for you, Gillian. You’re recently divorced, you’re a great person, and you’re about to settle down in a new home. Once you have a few dates under your belt, that huge home won’t feel so big. Because you’ll meet someone who you don’t have to hide. You’ll meet someone who doesn’t threaten your career. You’ll meet someone suited to you.”

“There are…things I want to say, but I’m not ready to say them.”

Finn pressed a hand to Gillian’s chest. “Then don’t. Keep them in there.”

Gillian slowly rose to her feet, taking her clutch bag from the bed. She looked down at Finn with tears in her eyes and then motioned towards the door. “I’ll go. But I need you to know one thing before I do.”

“What’s that?” Finn stood and followed Gillian to the door.

“I hadn’t come here tonight to sleep with you. I wanted to check and see if you were okay, talk about what happened back at the bar, and then I would have left.”

“Well, I appreciate that.”

Gillian offered one final sweep of the eyes up Finn’s body. “Oh, I’m going to miss you, Finn.”

“It’s for the best. We both know that.” Finn placed her hand on the door and turned back to Gillian. “Would you let me know that you got home okay?”

Gillian sighed at that. Then she took a step forward and pushed Finn to the wall. Their bodies pressed, and as Gillian drew Finn into a kiss—a kiss like no other they’d shared—she had to wonder if she was making the right decision. Gillian pulled back and studied Finn’s eyes as she whispered, “I don’t want to go.”

“Please.” Finn wrapped one hand around the back of Gillian’s neck and kissed her. Hard. Passionate. But with a finality laced through it. “Please. I need you to do this for me.”

And that was it.

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