Page 31 of Study You

Gillian remained silent, aware that she was very close to losing Finn. But was she really losing her when Finn wasn’t hers to begin with? She placed a ten-pound note down on the bar, took their drinks, and moved away. Finn was watching her every move, something which usually thrilled Gillian, but they weren’t at that place right now. “Bartender seems fond of you.”

Finn smiled. “Yeah. We’ve known one another for a few years now. She owns this place.”

Gillian offered a single nod and sat down in the booth with Finn. She sipped her wine slowly, giving herself a moment to breathe, and composed herself. “Finn, I don’t like how I behaved on Wednesday.”

“No, me neither.”

“I have no excuse for it. It was terrible, and I accept that.”

Finn got comfortable and faced Gillian. “What was going on?”

Perhaps it was time for Gillian to be entirely honest. Because while she had been inside her own head, she had hurt the one person who had done everything to make her happy lately. Finn was…all she wanted. All she needed. “I don’t know how much to say without complicating this further.”

Finn’s stunning blue eyes stared back at Gillian, melting her ice-cold heart. “Just say whatever it is you need to say. As little or as much as you want.”

“Sometimes you’re too much for me, Finn.”

Finn shifted in her seat and cleared her throat. “R-right. I’m sorry about that.”

“No, don’t apologise. You’re perfect. You have a wonderful heart. But it’s…too much for me. Right now, anyway.”

“So, you want me to be some cruel bitch? I don’t understand.”

Gillian smiled as she cocked her head. “I don’t want you to change for anyone. Don’t ever lose who you are. But the little things like Parbold Hill and waking up with one another…it makes me forget that this isn’t going anywhere.” Gillian dragged a hand through her hair. “I know I have to learn to control those feelings, that I cannot act on anything I wish I could. And for the most part, that works just fine for me. I am capable of having a no-strings fling. You just…you’re different. You’re not who I thought you were when we first met.”

Finn scanned the bar and then shifted closer to Gillian. She took her hand and held on tight. “Tell me what you need from me, Gillian. If I’m doing this all wrong, then I need you to lay it out for me. I don’t want to lose this with you, but if it’s too much, say the word, and I’ll walk away.”

“Do you ever worry that things may get out of hand between us?”

Finn frowned. “Out of hand?”

“You know…that we’ll want more.” Gillian chewed on her bottom lip. Whatever Finn said next could define how they moved forward. Morgan had just claimed that Finn adored Gillian, so she needed Finn’s thoughts on this before she considered continuing.

“First of all, you make it sound like some bank robbery gone wrong.” Finn laughed; her blonde hair flopped against her forehead. She carded her hand through it—a move Gillian was very fond of—and smiled. “Secondly, I know what this is. We both do. You’ve told me on multiple occasions now that it could never go anywhere, so no, I don’t believe that we’ll come to want more. Because you don’t want that from me, and I don’t want to fall for someone who doesn’t see a future with me.”

Oh, if only Finn knew what Gillian did see when she allowed herself a moment to imagine it. “Right. Okay.”

“Look, you’re fucking stunning, and one day, I’m going to lose you to someone who you cannot imagine being without. I know that, and I’m okay with it. Because you’re right when you say that we can’t have a relationship. Not unless we’re both willing to wait until I’ve graduated in what…a couple of years. I wouldn’t expect you to wait around for that, and I don’t plan to put myself in that position either.”

That wasn’t strictly true. Gillian would only be teaching Finn until the end of this academic year. But Gillian didn’t have the heart to divulge that. Because it would only complicate this further, and then Gillian would have to be entirely truthful in that she didn’t believe she could give Finn what she needed should they enter into a relationship. She cleared her throat, aware that she felt a hell of a lot for her student. Just…carry on as normal. “Then I’m sorry. It’s about time I took my own advice and reminded myself why we’re doing this.”

“Why are we doing it?”

“Because we enjoy being with one another? Because in all my life, I’ve never come across someone who can satisfy me the way you do. Because…when you’re in the same room as me, I feel it. Your presence, your attention…you.”

Finn regarded Gillian with a shy smile.

“And because that shy smirk you wear always makes me weak at the knees.”

“I don’t know where we go from here, Gillian. I really don’t.”

“I think we should wipe the slate clean and try again. If that’s what you want?”

Finn sat quietly, her knee bouncing up and down beneath the table. “You think we can do that?”

“I believe we can.” Even if all I want to do is spend weeks and months getting to know every last thing about you, Gillian thought. “And if the time comes when one of us is worried about things going too far, we speak up, okay?”

“Okay.”

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