Page 90 of Margo's Got Money Troubles

“I just really need to focus on my shit right now,” I said. “There isn’t room in my life for romance, even if I wish there was.”

There was a pause, then I heard him sigh. I wished I could see his face.

“What?” I asked.

“I was going to say, couldn’t I help? Couldn’t I come over and offer moral support or... I don’t know?”

“It’s just, JB, I’m fucking up. I’m fucking up bad. I need to focus and do the right thing and be an adult.” I left unsaid that I didn’t think JB could offer me any help. He was awkward as hell just meeting the baby, it wasn’t like he could hold Bodhi while I called Ward or went to the bathroom. And I didn’t want him there. I knew it was irrational, but it felt like spending the night away from Bodhi had caused Maribel to come.

“If that’s what you want,” JB said finally.

“It’s what I need,” I said. “At least right now.” I wasn’t sure it would get any better in the future either. My mind snagged on that moment talking about my dick ratings, the wariness that had come into his face. How would it ever work between me and JB? What guy would be able to tolerate my phone constantly buzzing with pictures of other guys’ dicks? We might lie to ourselves for a little while and pretend it could work, but how could it? I didn’t know if it was better to say all this or let it be unspoken.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “This is going to be one of those things I regret.”

“Then why are you doing it?” he asked, really and truly angry now.

Good, I thought, get angry at me. Hate me. Boo and set me free.

When we hung up, I hunched over like I’d been stabbed and stayed there, remembering how, after we finished making love, we had scampered into the backyard naked and slipped into the steaming water. I’d worried it wasn’t good for my ankle, but I didn’t care, didn’t want to consider it. The stars were bright above us, and we both groaned as we relaxed into the hot tub.

“You’re sparkling,” he said, gesturing to the mist around us. “The steam makes it look like your skin is sparkling. Like you’re a goddess.”

I laughed, delighted.

“I think maybe you are,” he said. “That’s the only rational explanation.”

“Explanation for what?” I asked, and then kissed him so he couldn’t answer.

Of course I didn’t get to be that happy.

Why had I ever thought I deserved such a thing?

Jinx returned with an ankle brace and, charmingly, Orange Meals for them both.

Margo felt better with the brace, more secure. “Do you think I should quit my OnlyFans?” she asked, opening her bag of SunChips.

“It’s not illegal to have an OnlyFans,” Jinx pointed out. “I don’t think they can make you quit.”

“It’s not illegal to be on methadone either!” Margo said. “What are we even going to do? You can’t get off the methadone!”

“Oh,” Jinx said, suddenly hesitant. “I thought that part was easy. I think we just— I mean, I think I should move out.”

He looked so normal as he said it. As though he weren’t pushing her off a boat and into the freezing water.

“If I’m not living here,” he continued, “they don’t get to say what course of treatment I pursue. And the methadone, Margo, I mean, I feel really hopeful. I don’t want to quit.”

Margo nodded rapidly, tucking her hair behind her ears. “Totally,” she agreed. “But...” She didn’t know how to frame it, how to say it. She had no excuse for how badly she wanted him to stay. “Where would you go?” she asked finally.

“Somewhere close, at least for now,” he said. “I want to stay close by the clinic. But eventually, you know, I’ll probably have to start working again.”

Margo nodded, unable to speak. It wasn’t that she’d thought Jinx would live with her and Bodhi forever. But what would she do without him? The idea of continuing OnlyFans without Jinx felt scary somehow, just her and Bodhi and her garden of penis worms. She couldn’t bear the idea of it. And she felt certain, deep in her gut, that if she kept doing the OnlyFans, Maribel would find a way to take Bodhi. She could picture her, smiling as she lifted Bodhi out of her arms. But how would Margo make a living? Who would watch Bodhi? She was back in the same predicament she’d always been in, and depending on whether there was a trial or not, she might not even have any savings.

“What’s a career where you can make good money without going to school?” she asked Jinx.

“Don’t do something hasty,” Jinx urged. “I feel like if it were that clear-cut, she’d have said you had to quit. I mean, you should be good on the pee test, the mushrooms won’t show up. They can’t take him, Margo. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

But Margo knew the world was perfectly willing to punish you no matter what you had done.

---