Page 74 of Margo's Got Money Troubles

“They’re gonna want you to take the MMPI-2, which is a personality test, over five hundred questions. They will interview you, interview Jinx, ask all sorts of questions. They’ll want to come to your house, observe you and Bodhi together.”

“Well, none of that sounds like a problem,” I said.

“No skeletons in your closet?” he asked. “It’s not going to be a problem if an evaluator comes out there? I mean, I’ve never seen your house. I’m just saying, you might want to have maids out or something.”

“Oh,” I said. “No, my dad is a clean freak, our house is immaculate. It’s all good. And I’m not scared of the psych test. I could be totally deluded, but I think I’m relatively normal.”

“All right,” Ward said. “Well, you sleep on it.”

I told him I would, even though I was elated. I had gotten the Caillou theme song stuck in my head earlier, and I hated that song, but now I hummed it buttery and smooth as I washed my face, flossed, and brushed; checked on Bodhi in his crib and collapsed into bed. I’m just a kid who’s four, each day I grow some more! I was going to fucking ace a psych eval.

Reader, I could not tell in the slightest if I aced that psych eval or flunked it entirely. It was so weird I couldn’t believe it was a real test.

The psych eval was my first meeting with the 730 shrink Mark had chosen. The court had given us a list of ten. Ward had me eliminate five—I crossed off most of the men—and then Mark and Larry the Lawyer got to choose the final person. Her name was Clare Sharp.

Dr. Clare Sharp was brunette, a little bit fat, pretty and confident. She wore an electric-blue blazer over a black T-shirt and pearl earrings. I liked her immediately. We met in her office, she explained the test, then left me alone to take it, wandering in every now and then to see if I needed anything. Her office was small and a little shabby, but chic in a Pinterest way. She had one of those weird wool woven-art things on the wall and kilim pillows.

The first question on the psych eval was: I like mechanics magazines. T/F.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to answer; I was mystified as to what this question could be trying to ascertain. Was it some kind of decoy? The next one: I have a good appetite. T/F. Again, very clear I would be answering true, but as to the purpose of the question, I had no clue.

Some of the questions were obvious. Number 24 was: Evil spirits possess me at times. T/F. Hard to imagine who would be far gone enough to circle T on that one.

Other questions were harder to know how to answer. Someone has it in for me. T/F. I’d literally just been doxxed by my best friend; in a certain way, it would seem crazier to put F, but I put T, assuming this was a question designed to root out paranoia regardless of how warranted it might be. Same with: I prefer to pass by school friends, or people I know but have not seen for a long time, unless they speak to me first. Same with: I have never been in trouble because of my sexual behavior.

Much of the time I feel as if I have done something wrong or evil.

My family does not like the work I have chosen.

I believe that women ought to have as much sexual freedom as men.

Anyone who is able and willing to work hard has a good chance of succeeding.

I cry easily.

I have sometimes felt that difficulties were piling up so high that I could not overcome them.

Ward had given me only one piece of advice about this test, and it was to tell the truth. “Don’t just pick the non-crazy answers. Everybody is a little crazy, and they have stuff in there to see if you’re lying.” But it was scary to tell the truth. I did cry easily! I decided that I didn’t feel I had done something wrong or evil much of the time. Really, I had felt that way only in Kenny’s church or when I was in a fight with Shyanne. The rest of the time I hardly felt evil at all.

I finished the test and crushed the tiny room-temp bottle of Poland Spring water Dr. Sharp had given me. It was a marvel they could tell who was crazy at all. How would Kenny answer the questions on this test? He would obviously choose F for I believe that women ought to have as much sexual freedom as men.

But there were so many I’d answered false that I knew he would answer true:

I believe in life hereafter.

I have never indulged in unusual sex practices.

I daydream very little.

I would like to belong to several clubs.

I have been inspired to a program of life based on duty which I have since carefully followed.

It was hard not to feel like the test was made for him, designed with Kenneth himself as the model of mental health. And if Kenny was what sane was, maybe I wasn’t. I mean, he was the one who believed in invisible beings controlling every aspect of our lives. I kept telling myself it couldn’t be. Dr. Sharp had multiple degrees. She wouldn’t use a test where the “right” answer was that women shouldn’t have as much sexual freedom as men, would she?

When she came back in, Dr. Sharp seemed just as normal and cool as before. “So, when do you come in for your interview? Do we have that next Tuesday?”

I nodded.

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