Page 111 of Electric Touch

“Wait, so you wanted to get a part, pick someone in the band, and get them to fuck you? Is that what you’re saying?”

I nod. He stares in silence for a long time. I’m about to prompt him to say something. Anything.

“It wouldn’t have mattered who it was? It could have been my brother?”

“I never got the part-”

“So that makes it okay?” he looks away from me, the anger now clear. “And then you ran into me at the Vista Kicks gig… Was that planned, too?”

“No, of course not,” I shake my head. “It was a coincidence.”

“And you got another one of your items off the list with me that night. Did you plan to take it further then too?” he asks.

“No, it wasn’t planned. I didn’t know Apollo was taking me to that gig, Nash. And if you remember, I tried to make you leave.”

He lets out an ironic laugh. “Apollo, right? He was there pushing you on to me. Because he already knew what you’d tried to do at the audition?” He gets to his feet and steps a few paces away.

“You think Apollo and I planned that?”

“He definitely planned on getting you guitar lessons with me.”

“No. Nash. I didn’t know Apollo even spoke to you. I needed the guitar lessons for the list. That was all I was thinking about. Not so I could have a one-night stand with you.”

“What happened between us wasn’t forced, Nash. I wasn’t thinking about the list when I was with you. I wouldn’t do that to you, or to anyone. I wouldn’t have gone through with anything if I’d got the audition. I was so far out of my comfort zone. I know this is difficult to hear, and I should have told you sooner.”

“Yeah, you should.”

I stand up, knowing I’m doing a shitty job of explaining this.

“Have you been using me all this time? And then what? You decided you liked it, so you’d keep hanging out with me? Turn that one-night stand into something else?”

“No,” I say firmly. “God, no. It might sound implausible, but every time we ran into each other, it was a complete coincidence, Nash.”

“Yeah,” he rubs his forehead, not meeting my eyes. “Sure, coincidence. Wow, I can’t believe this. I trusted you.”

“Please let me explain the reason I’m doing these things.”

“I don’t fucking care,” he yells, making me flinch. “Jesus, Adrestia, look at this from where I’m standing. I’m the lucky one you chose. You got to fuck me, but it could have been Jack or Ciro? Dylan?”

“Maybe in the beginning.”

Wrong thing to say. He spins away from me.

“Nash? Please let me explain the rest of it.”

“I don’t want to fucking hear it. I thought… Fuck, I’m so stupid.”

“You’re not, Nash. The reason I’ve been doing these things is for a bucket lis-”

“Don’t fucking say anything else,” he whirls on me. “I don’t want to hear anything else right now. I need to think about all of this. This is messed up… Can you not see that? Everything I thought we had here started on you trying to fuck someone from my band?”

“If you need time to think about how this affects you, or us, I’ll understand, Nash.” I lower my head.

“Yeah, of course you do,” he spits out.

It’s clear he is caught up in believing I’ve been using him. He doesn’t understand because he’s been hurt. I don’t want him to think I would ever hurt him. I’ve done this all wrong. I’m never this flummoxed, at a loss for words and getting everything wrong. It’s testament to how much I feel about this man. I know that. I should have told him the real reason first, but that is so hard for me to talk about, I’ve spent months avoiding it.

He stares at me. His face is an unreadable mask. He’s hurt, confused, betrayed. We stand a few feet apart, but it feels as if a chasm just opened between us. And I’ve fallen right into it while he watches from the edge.

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