Page 43 of Craving Cooper

I can’t work out which.

All I know is, I haven’t moved from the couch, although Saffron has shifted from my lap and is snuggled down beside me now. She’s fast asleep, oblivious to everything… lucky her. I’m still haunted by how it felt when I realized Cooper’s reason for inviting me to the festival with him, and that it had nothing to do with liking me.

My eyes sting, but that’s just tiredness. Nothing more. I refuse to cry over him, or the fact that I’ve loved him and wanted him for longer than he deserved.

The thing is, I’d been having such a good time at the festival. It was nice to meet his friends, and to feel like part of his life.

It felt good to belong for once.

How was I supposed to know it all meant nothing?

How was I supposed to know he’d only done it to make himself feel better, and presumably so Meredith would be jealous?

It seemed to work, too, and even though I don’t want to, I have to smile, recalling the look on her face when she saw us together. I might have meant nothing to him in the game he was playing with Meredith, but we clearly fooled her into thinking we were an item.

Just like he fooled me into thinking he cared.

My smile fades at that thought, and I let out a long sigh.

Why couldn’t Cooper have been honest?

I wonder how I’d have reacted, though, if he’d asked me to go to the Fall Festival, and explained his real motives. What would I have said? What would I have done?

I don’t imagine it would have ended well.

So I guess I can’t blame him for his deception.

Except I can. Because it hurts.

It hurts more than I want to think about.

But it’s better to think about that than consider what on earth we’re supposed to say to each other on Monday morning.

How am I supposed to look at him, knowing he lied to me and used me, and that I still want him so much I can hardly breathe? Because I do. No matter how much he’s hurt me, I can’t stop loving him. I wish I could, but I don’t think love works like that. Not for me. I wish it did. It would make this so much easier.

I yawn, stretching my arms above my head. Saffron stretches her legs, letting me know I’ve disturbed her, but doesn’t open her eyes, which is just like her. Tiredness really is getting the better of me, and although I could join her in sleeping away the afternoon, it’s still early. I don’t think it’s even three yet, and I can’t possibly fall asleep at three in the afternoon. I’ve never done that in my life.

I need something to pick me up instead, and the only thing I can think of is coffee.

It’ll mean disturbing Saffron, but she’ll get over it, and I edge off of the seat. She wakes in an instant, giving me a glare, but as I stand, she immediately shifts into the spot I’ve just vacated. She likes the corners of the couch best of all, and now I’ve moved, she’s taking over and claiming the warm patch I’ve created.

She twists around in a circle before settling down again, and buries her head beneath her paw, letting me know she doesn’t want to be disturbed. I know the feeling and make my way to the kitchen, cursing out loud when someone knocks on my door. I wish I had a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign, and had thought to hang it out there. But I don’t, and I didn’t.

I change direction, walking to do the door, and it’s not until I’m pulling it open that I realize there’s only one person who can get in here without using the intercom first. Only one person who can knock directly on my door.

Cooper.

My mouth dries as I stare up at him, wondering how he can look so damn perfect, while I’m sure I look a mess. I’ve run my fingers through my hair too many times for it to look tidy, and my dress must be creased beyond belief… not that I’m going to check. He’ll think I care.

“Are you okay?” he asks, his voice sounding a little deeper than usual.

“Of course I am.” I can’t smile, but I can put on a brave face, even if seeing him is the last thing I need right now.

“Can I… Can I come in?” I’ve never heard Cooper hesitate like that. He’s far too self-assured for hesitation, although he hasn’t lost all of his conceit, and steps over the threshold before I’ve even had the chance to reply, staring down into my eyes as he whispers, “Please?”

What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? Throw him out? He’s my boss, and my landlord. Throwing him out doesn’t feel like an option, so I step back, letting him in, and closing the door, before I turn around and find he’s perched himself on the arm of the couch and is stroking Saffron, who seems to have woken up, and is welcoming the attention.

Traitor.

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