Page 46 of Star Struck

I fell asleep, and woke when Felix blundered in, waving the key card randomly. ‘Hey, darling.’

‘Fe? It’s late . . .’

‘Yep. Just came to wash and brush up, then head over to Jared’s.’ He went into the bathroom and ran water, then began shaving, wandering around the bathroom and bedroom, unable to settle.

‘Can’t you stay here for a bit? I want . . . I think I really need to talk to you.’

He paused. His eyes were crystalline, as though the irises had turned into pebbles. ‘I don’t think there’s anything to say.’

‘All that stuff earlier, me and Mike, Fe . . . I need to know. All this—’ I waved my hands around my head in an attempt to show my mental confusion, — ‘it’s like new information for me. Please, try to understand, it’s like everything you tell me is one tiny part of that year coming back, little bits kind of slot into place, as though I’m some kind of jigsaw that’s got all broken up and now I’m putting the pieces back in order.’ I followed him into the bathroom, standing behind him as he sprayed his face with water. ‘And I need you; you’re the only one who can help. You’re like my picture on the box lid.’

He looked at me, half his face covered in lather. ‘Sometimes,’ he said slowly, his mouth moving under the foam like an animation, ‘sometimes it’s better to leave the puzzle undone, Skye.’

‘But it’s my past.’

He smiled, but there were too many teeth on show. ‘The present is what matters, darling, trust me on that. Hey, by the way, can I take the Valium with me?’

‘Why?’

I got an old-fashioned look. ‘Because sometimes the present includes a little recreational pharmaceutical abuse and the Valium will help me calm down afterwards. Or I might just fancy a really good night’s sleep.’

‘Help yourself.’ I threw him the bottle and he poked it down into the pocket of his jeans. ‘Just be careful.’

He waved a reckless hand. ‘I’m always careful. I’ll get changed over there and see you at the ball.’

‘But that’s not until tomorrow night! Are you not coming back between times?’

Another shaky stroke of the razor and Fe patted his face with a towel. ‘Skye, darling, I’m hoping that there aren’t going to be any “between times”. This is the last time I’m going to be able to spend with Jared so I want to make the most of it.’ Another sparkling stare. ‘Why don’t you get Jack to come keep you company?’

I watched him, moving quickly, restlessly around the room, picking things up and putting them down, shoving things into an overnight bag and then unpacking them back onto the bed. ‘Are you ever going to come down on one side or the other?’ I asked.

‘What? You mean boys or girls? Why should I? They both have things to recommend them, and I don’t see that changing any time soon, unless there’s some kind of gender-specific mutation in the works. You should try it, lover. Spread your wings a bit, get some experience.’

‘But don’t you ever want to settle down? Have a family?’

He froze. ‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘Jesus, Skye, what is it with you? Before the accident you were all short skirts and sharp heels, now you’ve gone Good Housekeeping on me.’

‘I just thought . . .’

‘I’ll tell you, shall I? Why I don’t want kids? Ever? Because — and you won’t know this, because you dropped out of their lives as soon as you came out of hospital — my parents were destroyed when Faith died. Dad had to give up work, and Mum . . . she’s never been well since. Her heart, you know.’

‘I didn’t . . .’

‘Fuck, Skye, they took you in when your parents did their “we want our freedom” act, Mum cooked you Sunday lunch every week for six months while you were waiting to get a break! They were the ones all agog for news when you auditioned, they were the ones breaking out the champagne when you got a part! Then you take to locking yourself in your house and not seeing anyone, and they’re left with broken hearts, and a son who spends every spare minute running around with trash of both genders. How do you think they feel, Skye? And I’ll tell you something, I never want to feel like that. So, no. I don’t want kids. I’ve seen what they do to you.’

We stared at each other. He dropped his eyes first and went back to trying to stuff his fake-fur into a holdall. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said at last.

‘Yeah.’

‘I couldn’t go and see them. I was so scared.’

‘You were like a second daughter to them, they would have understood, Skye, it would have been enough for them just to have seen you. And now . . . what? You start shaking the boys up again, make a full recovery, go live a life with a guy rich enough to keep you? Well, good luck with that, darling; I’ll just head back to missing my sister, shall I?’

I’d never heard Felix sound so bitter. His words were diamond-edged and he’d got feelings on display that I’d never seen before

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