Page 46 of The Long Walk Back

Neil gritted his teeth. ‘I was there, Kate. For months before, years. Looking after him while you were off doing your own thing.’

‘I was working! Doing important things like saving lives, I didn’t abandon him like you did!’ She sank into herself, a deep sigh erupting from within. ‘I said what I needed to. I need to get back to the centre.’

‘Can I see him?’ he asked. ‘I need to see him, I know I need to explain things. I’m so sorry, I will make this right, I promise.’

Kate wanted to tell him to go to hell, to see his face crumble when she informed him that he would never set eyes on their son again, but then she thought of Jamie and the words stuck in her throat.

‘If you see him, you have to tell him everything. I mean it, you can’t hide any more. I have protected you enough, but I do owe you that. It’s not about us, it’s about him.’

Neil nodded and Kate started to walk away.

‘Kate, will you thank the man that came, in the chair? I assume that he was the one who told you where I was. I know I’m a coward, but I am glad to talk. Own up. I’m not this guy, Kate. You know that. I was just messed up, I acted out. I didn’t think any of this would happen. It’s been killing me, all this. I didn’t know what to do.’ He sagged before her. ‘He was right. I need to do better. For this baby, and Jamie. For you. He was right.’

Kate didn’t answer, she headed down the street as fast as she could walk. Not for the first time, she realised that Cooper really was all in. He’d known everything and had still wanted forever. She just wished that she could be the uncomplicated woman he deserved. Wished she hadn’t hurt him by trying to save him from the mess he was already fully aware of. She should have known better. His event was so close now, he’d worked so hard. Going to him now, when all of this was going on? No. She would stay away, be his friend. Go with him to the ball, support him. For everything he had done, for her, for Jamie – she would push aside her feelings, and be by his side.

24

They walked into the ballroom side by side, but the gulf between them could have made the Grand Canyon look like a crack in the pavement. It felt wretched, and Kate was constantly battling the sting of tears. The last thing she wanted to do was break down and show him up in front of everyone. She wanted to be here for him, see him through this evening. Be his rock for once.

Since the day she had seen Neil, things had been better for Jamie. Neil had come to the centre with his parents, and told him the truth. Things had been rough, but Neil and Jamie were in contact with each other, and tentative steps had been taken. Baby steps, as she told Jamie. Sometimes, it took a while to get to where you needed to be. Jamie had hugged her tight. She had her boy back, finally. Cooper had been there for him, a sounding board for his confusion and anger. Things were better, Jamie was living with his grandparents till the house sale was complete, and she was getting back to normal at work. Whatever normal was before. The only thing missing now was Cooper, and Kate was broken without him. She wanted to talk to him, to explain how she felt, but she wouldn’t put him in the crosshairs of the complications again.

They had skirted around each other in the centre. The only conversations they had were when Jamie was present for his physio, and Cooper kept himself to himself when she saw him around the centre. The only personal contact she’d had was a text asking her if she would still come with him tonight, as his date. So here they were. A night of champagne and silent yearning. Perfect.

The room was huge, all lit by strategic soft lighting. The ceiling was festooned in cream silky swathes of fabric, gathered together in the middle and splayed out to the corners of the room. It looked magnificent, and Kate was glad that she had made the extra effort with her outfit. She felt a chill despite the candles lighting up the tables, and she saw Cooper flinch as he caught her shiver. He turned his head to look at her bare arms.

‘Cold?’ he muttered. She nodded numbly. His lips were pinched tight, as though he was trying to hold every word of his to ransom against her. He started to shrug off his jacket, and she went to grab his arm.

‘No, Cooper, you don’t have to,’ she said, and a tear fell out onto her cheek. She couldn’t bear him like this, being nice, but coiled up. Detached. It was hard to be in his presence and not tell him she longed to be his. She just wanted him to be clear-headed, focused on his night. She was clearly doing an excellent job so far: Cooper looked stricken. He pulled her to the side of the room. Hightower shouted to him, but Cooper shook his head at him so he turned back to the bar with his date. Cooper pulled her to him so people wouldn’t overhear. He looked upset, concerned, and Kate tried to brush away the tear without ruining the make-up job. He wiped her face with his fingers, gripping her chin gently to get her to look at him. She looked into his eyes and smiled in apology.

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to?—’

‘Do you want to be with me, Kate? Tonight, I mean,’ he clarified, sadness etching his features.

‘Yes, of course I do,’ she said softly, taking his hand in hers. He gripped it tight in return.

‘Good, because I want you to be. Why are you crying?’

Damn it, just tell him. Just tell him now. Screw it. Worst case, you’ll be home in a few hours and it will be over.

‘Because I care, Cooper. I thought I could stand the distance between us, but it’s awful. I hurt you, and I keep hurting you. I love you so much, I’m so proud of you, Thomas. I’m just so sad that I messed up.’

She didn’t say another word because Cooper had pulled her into his arms and kissed her. He kissed her like he had been waiting his whole life to do it, and couldn’t wait another minute. She sank into him, feeling the heat in the pit of her stomach. He turned her around in his arms, pushing her closer to the ballroom wall, tripping over his own feet to move her to him. They were still kissing each other, her hands in his hair when they heard a pronounced cough behind them, and a girlish giggle.

Kate turned around and felt Cooper chuckle as he tucked her into his side.

‘Awesome timing as always, man,’ he said to his buddy. Hightower was stood there, looking decidedly uncomfortable under his smile.

‘Sorry, but I thought you were going to set the sprinklers off.’ He smiled ruefully. ‘Smithy’s wife is here. She wants to see you.’

Cooper visibly tensed and Kate gave him a squeeze. She was convinced he was going to fall over at one point, with his body seeming to sway, but he steadied himself. The shake in his hands was evident when he reached up to straighten his already perfect bow tie and tuxedo jacket.

‘Did she bring the boys?’ His voice came out like a plea. Hightower shook his head. ‘No, mate, just his mother.’ Cooper took no solace in those words. The woman standing with Hightower stepped forward hurriedly, awkwardly holding out a hand to Kate.

‘Shall we go sit, let these two boys go mingle?’ She had bright red nails, which matched her pillar box-red dress and kitten heels. It matched her flame-red hair, and the whole effect with the sparkle from the candlelight made her look like she was on fire. Kate looked to Cooper to check he was okay, but she saw he wasn’t next to her any more. Not really. He was back with Smithy, on that bullet-ridden street far away. She took the woman’s hand and walked away towards the tables. She looked over her shoulder at Hightower, and saw he was talking in Cooper’s ear. Probably talking the demons out of his head. Kate wondered for the millionth time about the cost of war. Did anyone truly win? Judging from the energy in this room, it was mankind’s spirit that endured, sure, but not without ghosts.

The woman in red was pulling her along through the tables, seemingly knowing where she was heading. She glanced over her shoulder, flashing pearly-white teeth.

‘You’re sitting with us,’ she stated, answering a question Kate hadn’t found the breath to voice yet. She pointed to a table near the corner, and Kate could see Cooper’s and her names on matching place cards. The sight of them made her feel all warm and fuzzy, and she had to stop herself from rubbing them together making kissy noises. The way he had kissed her had told her that he hadn’t given up… but what would happen next?

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