Page 24 of The Long Walk Back

‘What’s the point?’ his eyes would say to her, and some days, she was inclined to agree. What was the point? Jamie would never walk again, never wiggle his toes like he did as a baby, never kick a football. So now, they didn’t argue about socks. Kate no longer sweated the small stuff. Till today.

Today, looking at the rather frail looking rail that held her clothing, she was sweating buckets of the small stuff, since all she had was swim gear, nightwear and work wear, and everything seemed to be on the tatty side. She moved the hangers from side to side once more, as if a designer outfit would suddenly spring out in front of her, but all she was presented with was a couple of sturdy cardigans and an old Avril Lavigne tour T-shirt. Not exactly ‘surprise day out’ attire. She sighed, shoulders sagging. Well, that was it. Heading for the door to tell Cooper the day was off, she was confronted by Rita, who was standing in her doorway, hand out in a knocking motion. Kate jumped.

‘Ooh, you scared me there, Rita!’

Rita batted her away. ‘Sorry duck, just wanted to drop these off for you.’ Kate noticed then that Rita had two clothing holders draped over her arm, and there were two shoeboxes at her feet. Kate flushed. Did everyone know about this weekend? What did people think, exactly?

‘I don’t understand,’ she ventured hesitantly. Rita took her stuttered delay in response as a chance to push past her into the room, shuffling the boxes along the floor with one of her feet.

‘One’s for today, one’s for tonight. They’re all labelled up, so don’t be peeking at the wrong stuff, okay?’

Kate nodded numbly as Rita laid the boxes and bags on her bed. She went to leave when Kate grabbed her arm.

‘Thanks Rita, I really appreciate this.’

Rita patted her hand, smiling at her. Kate could see the crow’s feet and laughter lines on her friend’s sweet face.

‘You’re welcome love, but it’s not down to me. I’ll make sure Jamie’s fed. Have a good time!’

Kate looked at the bed, confused. ‘Who did it then?’

Rita winked at her. ‘A little angry birdie,’ she said, chuckling. ‘Remember, have fun.’ Rita looked as though she wanted to say more, but she stopped herself. Kate could see it was an effort for her, and once again she wondered what people around the centre were saying.

‘But…?’ Kate said softly, prompting Rita to finish what she wanted to say. Rita stopped, the door handle in her hand, the door midway closed. Turning back, she clasped her hands in front of her, and Kate swallowed as she waited to hear what came next.

‘Kate, don’t waste this chance. Remember, you did nothing wrong.’

‘How did you know?’

She waved her off. ‘Oh, I don’t miss much, but that’s not the point. There is so much sadness around here, such darkness and misery. Seeing a bit of light is a welcome thing. It’s something to cling to, not a thing to be feared. You deserve to be happy. More than most, as it goes.’

Kate closed her mouth, feeling herself well up. The rebuttal died in her mouth before it made it past her lips. It went unspoken as Rita said something that made Kate’s heart clench. The door closing with a click sounded like a parting shot in the quiet of the room.

‘Life is for living Kate, no one knows that more than Thomas. Remind him.’

Kate ran her fingers through her hair and walked over to the bed. The top clothes bag said ‘Saturday day’ on it, and there was a matching label on the shoebox nearby. Taking a breath, she opened the bag.

Three hours later, Kate sat with her back against a man. They were squashed up tight, her quivering back pressed up against his broad chest. She could hear her heartbeat in her head, it pounded from her ears. Boom, boom, boom, boom. She tried to run her tongue along her lips to wet them, but it was so dry it rasped along them instead, and she swallowed hard. She felt him squeeze her arm from behind her and point his finger in front of her. She followed where he was pointing and saw Cooper grinning at her. She couldn’t believe she was doing this and what was worse, that Jamie would be there, watching. He had been positively delirious when they had set off in the minibus that morning. She smiled despite herself as she thought of her son, giggling and teasing her on the journey to the air strip. Captain bloody Thomas Cooper had only gone and arranged a tandem skydive for them. She couldn’t say no and he knew it, which was precisely why he was grinning at her now from behind his frog goggles. She could throw him out of the plane with her bare hands right now, but since he was strapped to the other instructor, she restrained herself. Instead, she settled for a sarcastic grin and flipping him the finger. Of course, he just laughed harder.

When she had opened the first clothing bag, she had been confronted with a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt. Comfy, but smart. The shoebox contained a pair of bright trainers, again trendy, modern and functional. She had guessed at something sporty, it was Cooper after all. She hardly expected an afternoon at the spa or a pottery class, but this was something else. Trevor had even sponsored the dive, so the veterans’ fund would be happy. She had no wiggle room to get out of it, and with Jamie being sat in the van ready to tag along, her fate was sealed. So here she was; after training that had terrified her to her very core, she was sat in a plane up in the air, strapped to a man who was so warm and comforting she wanted to straddle him for dear life, to escape what was coming. Final checks were being made, the path was set, and Cooper and Micky, his tandem, were moving to the now open doorway of the plane. As Kevin, her straddle-ee moved closer to them, Kate looked down at her feet, willing them to respond to her request, even as her own brain screamed at her to curl into a ball.

The wind and the sound of the engine filled her ears with white noise, and she kept trying to swallow, to spread whatever moisture was left around her mouth. Kevin squeezed her arm, showing her the signal that they were nearly ready. Cooper’s voice cut through the wall of sound, and she looked up at him. His eyes caught her in their grasp, and for a second, everything stopped. His gaze told her so much, and she nodded in response. He nodded back and then he was gone. She half-ran to the door, leaning over the edge to watch them fall. Kevin jolted behind her, surprised at her sudden movement.

‘Steady,’ he chuckled, and then they were watching the plane fall away. She had no breath. The urge to panic was immense, and she had to really concentrate on trying to breathe, to not panic and black out. She was suddenly grateful for the rather scary training they had done. It had been like a birthing class – teaching you how to breathe, to cope when the world span out of control. She thought again of those eyes, and she took a breath and opened her own. The plane was a dot now, as they fell through the clouds. She wiggled her head and caught sight of Cooper. He looked so alive, whooping and waving his limbs around as he laughed with Micky. He looked up at her as they came level.

‘Hey Missy, we’re flying!’

Kate laughed out loud, letting rip a whoop of her own. She had never felt so alive, so free. She laughed at herself, up in the air, away from the dry air at the centre. As they floated down to the ground, she felt someone grasp her fingers. Looking across, she squeezed Cooper’s hand back, and then they were gone, separate but together in their adventure. As the ground came up to meet them, Kate still had his hand on her mind. Even through her glove, she could still feel the heat of his touch.

Later that day, Kate had settled Jamie back into his room. She had never seen him so cheerful, so excited, not since before the accident. He was so proud of his mum doing a sky dive, he’d even been willing to talk to her, but that was short-lived. When he returned to the centre, his mood dulled a little, and Kate knew just how he was feeling. Coming back to the centre after the day out brought home just how much things had changed. She had made a decision, and now she just had to have the strength to pull the trigger. Things had to change; this limbo they were living in had to stop. Heading back to her room, she passed Trevor on the corridor.

‘Kate, how did your day out go— ow!’ He rubbed his arm. Kate drew back her fist again and he cowered in faux fear. ‘Okay, okay! I’m sorry! It raised money for the centre, what am I going to do? Say no?’

Kate moved as if to strike him again but pulled him in for a hug instead. ‘Thanks,’ she whispered into his ear. He hugged her to him.

‘Welcome. Glad you had a good day. How’s the patient?’

Kate pulled back a little, but Trevor kept his arms around her. ‘Doing okay today. Doing better, in fact.’

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