Page 79 of Sin

Sometimes I wish I had a god. Sure, I don’t like being told what to do or having my freedom restrained. But a little advice—gently given, of course, no tyrannical deities for me—would be nice right now.

Ethan is so certain about right and wrong. I don’t think he even has to ask for advice. An inner voice is always guiding him, making him confident in all his decisions.

“He deserved what he got.”

Ethan was so certain about it, like that punch in the face was sanctioned by the divine.

Outside of the incident on the field yesterday, I’ve grown to love his convictions. He’s trustworthy, dependable, like a boulder in a river.

In my life, I’m the river. Flowing ceaselessly and splitting in different directions. Fun and freedom are my guiding light, and I run away at the first sight of pain. I’m not even sure if I believe in right and wrong.

Was I selfish for making Ethan promise not to take action against Mason? Yesterday, he’d seemed ravaged by the burden of what I’d told him, which I’d somehow never noticed before.

It makes sense given his character. The weight of his own principles must have been pressing down on him, fighting with his promise to stand by my wishes.

I hate the thought of my big guy being troubled, having to shoulder the consequences of my decisions. I thought I was standing up for my needs, but was it worth it if I made Ethan compromise himself?

I love him, just as he is—my darling control freak who always considers my needs. Who takes care of me when I refuse to take care of myself.

What would happen if I gave in to his moral code for the chance to have that blissful happiness with him? Would he use that to restrict my freedom?

I’m startled by a distant sound. A rustling of some kind.

Shit. When did it get dark? I’ve been sitting on this boulder for who knows how long as I process the events of yesterday. I can barely see the ocean. There’s just a sliver of moonlight sparkling near the horizon.

A moment later, frantic footsteps pound against a rocky path. A rush of adrenaline prickles my skin. A beam of light slices through the darkness. I recoil, pressing myself against the cold stone at my back to hide.

“Lily, is that you?” Ethan’s hoarse voice cuts through the night, and I let out the breath I was holding.

His body emerges from the shadows, his silhouette framed by the flashlight’s glare. As he steps closer, the light falls away, and I switch on my phone’s flashlight to see him better. His chest rises and falls rapidly, his shirt clinging to his torso. What the hell is he doing here, and why is he soaking wet?

“Did you go swimming or something?” I ask.

“Swimming?” Ethan’s voice is a sharp bark. “No, I didn’t go swimming, Lily.” His breath comes in ragged gasps. “I’m soaked in sweat because I’ve been running uphill for forty-five damn minutes straight trying to find you.”

His eyes burn with an intensity that makes my heart stutter.

He throws up his hands. “What are you doing up here in the dark? Alone? It’s not safe. You should never hike alone at night, Lily. Never.”

Anger flares suddenly. Here I was softening toward him, and he’s come to remind me that he’s a tyrant.

“I came up here to clear my head,” I say. “A lot happened yesterday. Do I need to refresh your memory?”

His stern expression falters for a moment, but the fire quickly reignites behind his eyes. “I’m not the only one worried. Kinsley called me. Your whole house was expecting you back by now. They’ve been trying to call you for hours.”

Guilt edges into my anger. “I don’t think there’s any reception up here,” I mutter.

He runs his fingers through the wet hair matted to his head, his hand shaking. “I’ve been losing my fucking mind. Using this goddamn flashlight to check the ravines in case you’d fallen. I don’t think I’ve ever been—” His lips close. He sets a hand on his chest as he takes a deep breath. “I’ve ever been so scared in my life.”

As he stands there panting, I finally take in his appearance. His disheveled hair is plastered to his forehead, and his cheeks are bright red. Beneath the flush, his face is drawn and there are dark circles under his eyes.

“I’m sorry I made you worry,” I say. “But really, Ethan, this is getting old. You don’t seem to trust me to protect myself. I’d think after everything that happened yesterday, you’d have learned…”

I can’t say any more, because I don’t even know my own heart. I’m warmed that he still cares this much for me after my condemnation of him yesterday, but I don’t know what to do. Could I be in a relationship with someone who draws such hard lines between right and wrong? Someone who’s so overbearingly protective that he makes decisions for me without considering my feelings?

Plus, I don’t even know if he wants a relationship with me. We’ve never really talked about it. The brief fling we had was like a haven. We were in a private world of just the two of us.

“I don’t have the right to care about you?” Ethan spits out. “No, I guess not. I’ve been banished for being myself and standing up for what I thought was right. You left me!”

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