Page 77 of Sin

I already knew she wouldn’t be here. Her text implied she’d be gone.

Yet a chilling emptiness spreads through me, and memories of the day my dad left come flooding through my mind. All his things were gone too.

When I cried and told my mom he left because I was bad—the silly fear of a child—she held me and told me it had nothing to do with me. That moms and dads get in fights. That he would be coming back.

It was months before she learned the full extent of what he did, and even when she tried to shield the details from me, I knew.

She couldn’t hide that there was someone else. Not when I had to stay with my dad’s mistress during my rare weekends with him.

I knew the truth. He chose that woman over us. Because what we provided him wasn’t fulfilling enough for his insatiable, selfish quest for what he called happiness.

Over time, I got over it. I decided I was lucky that blustering prick moved out. Lucky that he cared so little about me that he rarely exercised his custody rights. Hell, he paid my mom more child support just to avoid me.

This loss feels different. In this moment, this ache in my heart feels permanent, a scar that will follow me everywhere, even into death.

Lily brought into my life something I never knew existed: pure, unbridled joy. She’s become my key to unlocking the beauty and tenderness that life can offer. Without her, I’m lost in a sea of unquenchable longing. A void not even God can fill.

Just like I was before she came into my life.

Despair wraps around me like a vise, squeezing tighter with each second. I sink onto the edge of the bed, burying my face in my hands.

The room is cold, lifeless without her. The light in my heart has been shut off, leaving me in darkness.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Ethan

I dreamed about Lily last night. She had a fever, but this time, she was so sick that Dr. Carter came to my room to see her. After one look at her lying listlessly on my bed, he told me she wasn’t going to make it.

I started screaming at him, demanding that he do more. I listed a slew of medical procedures he needed to try before he gave up, because apparently, I’m an overbearing control freak even in my sleep. He wouldn’t listen. He left the room, and a profound powerlessness settled over me.

Some things can’t be fixed. The world is full of suffering. It’s inevitable, even when you stand by your principles and strive to make the right choices.

I crouched down by my bed next to my sassy girl. She was lifeless, barely moving. I gripped her hand, wanting to beg her to stay, to tell her I’d be nothing without her. My life would lose its meaning.

I couldn’t speak. My voice was frozen.

The last thing I remember is stroking her red hair with the haunting certainty that I’d never see it again.

When I woke up, my eyes were wet.

Dreams are bizarre. Lily isn’t dead. Her vibrant spirit will continue to light up the world.

But not mine. I’ll be a footnote in her story, a brief disappointment. Boring, predictable Ethan Harrington who chose himself over her wishes.

“Are you listening, Ethan?” Coach Rodriguez asks.

I let out a heavy sigh. He just told me the university administration has decided to keep me on the team without disciplinary action. I ought to be ecstatic, and here I am, ruminating about death and suffering. When did football drop so low on my list of priorities?

Probably around the time Lily started staying with me.

“Yeah,” I say. “I’m really…lucky.”

He leans forward, placing his elbows on his desk. “This doesn’t mean anything about your draft prospects, so don’t think you got off scot-free. Your behavior on the field, your character… It all matters. GMs will think twice about drafting a loose cannon who might punch the quarterback after a bad game. It’s all over the damn news. I’m sure you’ve seen it.”

“I have,” I say, but it’s a lie. The only way I know that me punching Mason has been replayed on sports news shows is from texts I’ve gotten from teammates.

Coach is quiet for a long while, examining my face with narrowed eyes. “It doesn’t add up. I know your character. That wasn’t like you. You’re not the type of player to punch a teammate because he threw a bad pass.”

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