Page 51 of Sin

She’s watching me closely now. Am I showing my discomfort?

“Should I say yes?” she asks.

The hairs on my arms stand up. Somehow, I get the feeling that she’s calling me out. I kissed her, and I told her I wasn’t troubled by it. I hinted I might even do it again. Is she goading me to tell her no, that the thought of her with another man makes me want to hit something?

I don’t have the right to tell her no. I’ve already crossed so many lines tonight. If she likes this guy, she should go out with him. She and I have no future. Even if Noah lets go of his stupid rule, my first girlfriend will be my future wife.

So why am I so conflicted? Lily will probably have a string of boyfriends in the future. If I don’t want to be with her, I’ll have to get over it. She’ll always be a part of my life through Noah, even if I make it to the NFL and move to a different state when college ends in eight months.

An image flashes in my mind of Lily years from now. She’s sitting across from me at a restaurant table with a faceless man by her side and a baby on her lap.

She’s laughing. Laughing with that infectious joy that calls to me like the first rays of sunlight after a long, cold night.

Longing grips my chest so tightly that it steals the breath from my lungs.

“Are you okay?” she asks, a crease forming between her brows.

No, I’m not okay. I’m plummeting off a precipice.

I take a deep breath to calm my buzzing thoughts. “If you like him, you should say yes.” There’s a painful heaviness in my heart as I say the words, but I’ll have to live with it. Pain is a part of life. It will make me stronger.

The thought isn’t comforting.

“Really?” Her voice is laced with a hint of surprise. Or is it disappointment? “It’ll be my first date since…everything happened with Mason.”

“Do you trust this guy?” My voice is sharper than I intended.

Lily’s gaze holds mine, her eyes deep gray pools of unreadable emotion. Her fingers hover over the screen of her phone. Then she starts tapping rapidly. My heart pounds as she presses the send button with a flick of her thumb.

“I just told him yes,” she says. “To answer your question, I don’t know him well enough to trust him, but I like his vibe. Plus, we’ll be out with other people.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. “I’m proud of myself. This is a step toward healing, I think.”

I try to smile, but my muscles are too tight. I ought to be happy. This is a good step for her.

But fuck, I don’t want her going out with another man. I’ll be waiting at home, agonizing over what she’s doing.

“Good.” The word tastes like ash in my mouth. “I’m proud of you, too.”

Chapter Twenty-One

Ethan

“Are you okay?” Noah asks. “You seem distracted.”

I fight the urge to wince. I came to this bar after our game to distract myself from Lily, not spend the whole night thinking about her. Noah gets the same beer every time, and I sip my water while we watch footage on my iPad of our next opposing team, analyzing their defensive schemes. It’s our ritual.

Not tonight. I didn’t even remember to throw my iPad in my gym bag this afternoon.

All I can think about is Lily and her date tonight. My whole body is buzzing with tension.

What if she falls for him?

I’m a fool for even caring. I’ve made my choice. My vow to my future wife is more important than my seemingly unquenchable thirst for Lily. I couldn’t share my bed with her last night when we got home from the clubs. I knew if I did, I would be lost. I’d kiss her again, and that would lead to who knows what.

It ought to alarm me. I’ve never even considered breaking my purity pledge until now, and I’ve had millions of opportunities to do so between high school and college.

Where is God? He normally fills my heart with guilt. Even over petty sins like white lies or the feeling of envy. But after calling me to help Lily that day on my jog, he’s gone silent.

For the first time in my life, I feel abandoned by him, and it fills me with a simmering anger. It’s eerily similar to the day my mom and I came home from an away game to find every trace of my dad’s existence wiped from our house.

---