Page 82 of Revenge Cake

“And that means in every way. I won’t show up here again. I won’t try to call you, text you…” He exhales, biting his lip. “I can’t promise I won’t drunkenly DM you at two in the morning on some really dark night when I’m fucking dying because I miss you so much, especially if I see a picture of you and another guy…” He winces. “Fuck. I don’t even want think about that, but that’s why I think you need to block me on all social media accounts, and I mean every account you have because I will stalk your ancient ass Tumblr if I’m desperate enough.”

Oh god. His words are like a physical blow. Why does he have to be so wonderful, right now of all moments? Why couldn’t he be petty and angry and call me an asshole cunt bitch?

“And the other thing I’m going to do is get therapy. I already made the appointment online today. The psychologist looks perfect for me too. He’s got long blond hair and a beard. I can tell just by looking at him that he smokes weed…” He trails off, shaking his head. “Anyway, I know that sounds like it’s more for me than you, but I thought a lot about what you said when you were breaking up with me, how someday I would have a conversation with a girlfriend and call you ‘crazy as fuck Leilani,’ and I don’t ever want to do that. Even if you won’t be around to hear me say it. I love you too much…” His voice is choked, and when I see the moisture gather in his eyes I want to double over with guilt.

“I love you too much to be the same needy, selfish asshole I’ve been my whole life. I love you too much to just—”

“Stop!” I shout. “Stop, stop, stop, stop!”

He looks as if I slapped him, his eyes are so shocked.

“I don’t deserve any of this! I don’t deserve an apology!”

His brow furrows and he takes a step closer to me, lifting his hands up as if to show that he’s not going to harm me.

As if I would fear his harm. I’m the one who wrote the revenge list.

“I’m the worst, Logan.”

He takes another step, and now I feel his breath against my forehead. “What do you mean you’re the worst?”

He’s genuinely baffled. I can hear it in his voice. “I was the worst girlfriend to you. I took and took and took and gave nothing back. No wonder you were needy.”

Now the tears are streaming down my face. Through my blurred vision, I see his dark brows draw together. “Absolutely not. That’s bullshit. You were guarded for sure, but…”

Belatedly, I realize that he’s now wrapped his arms around me. I lean into his chest, wanting to feel his warmth one last time before it all goes away. Wanting to savor these last few moments before he knows I’m a monster.

“I’m worse than guarded. I’m vengeful. I thought you fell out of love with me because of my mental illness, and I wanted to hurt you for it.” I meet his eyes, not wanting to cower away from what I’m about to tell him. “I wrote a revenge list.”

His eyes dart to the side and then back at me. He’s more surprised than angry, which means I haven’t said enough, and he deserves this. For our last moment together, he deserves my whole, unguarded self. “I wanted to make you pay for abandoning me and falling in love with someone else—”

“I didn’t fall in love with someone else.” He tightens his hold around me. “I was just needy. It was only ever you—”

He stops when I pat his arm. “Can you halt romantic delusions for one second and let me finish my damn story?”

“Okay,” he says, smiling faintly.

I wince. “I’m sorry to snap at you. It’s just that when you hear it you’re going to feel differently about me.”

“I doubt that, but okay. I’ll let you finish your damn story.” Still, that smile and it kills me. I hate that I have to be reminded of how lucky I was to find this perfect boy with his nearly limitless patience for my ice-cold, guarded heart.

“I planned to make you fall in love with me again so that I could break your heart in return. Everything I did was calculated. Showing up on campus that day. Bringing Dean. I even planned to seduce you and break up with you…” I trail off when my throat grows tight. I swallow before starting again. “Logan, I planned to break up with you while you were still inside me.” His body goes rigid, and now I know I’ve gotten to it.

Now he really understands my sadism.

And I can’t leave it at that. I have to tell him the worst part. Wanting one last moment in his warmth, I burrow my head in his shoulder, loving his musky scent, somehow both erotic and comfortingly familiar at once. “I wanted to make you cry. It was the last item on my list. ‘Make him cry.’ And after that night when you were outside my porch, I crossed it off.” He jerks back and now I know I’ve done it.

“You crossed it off…because you accomplished it?”

“Yes.” Hot shame creeps into my cheeks, making my skin tingle.

“You’ve always been really diligent about crossing off your lists.”

My eyes pop open. His tone isn’t right. It’s strained, but it doesn’t sound angry.

It’s not until his arms tighten their hold around my shoulders that I realize his chest is vibrating.

I place my hands on his chest and push against him. He lets me go right away.

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