Page 66 of Tempt Me

“I’m glad he found his way here,” I mumble as I wipe my tears.

“Tack arrived around the same time as Golden who was an absolute handful. That boy talked nonstop and ran away three times during the first week. I assigned Bear to watch over them both. He kept them centered, but Bear complains a lot, always growling about one thing or another. Around the same time, Indigo moved from the hills to the farm. He was so moody. Soon after, Sync showed up, and he was prone to flipping out over the smallest things. In that mix, Tack gained a sense of himself that isn’t real. He isn’t laid-back. His past wasn’t easy compared to the rest of them. He can be almost delusional in how he views himself.”

Aunt Fred takes my hand. “Tack will suffer for those he loves, but you can’t trust him to see the world the way it is. You’ve got to guide him. When he zeroes in on something, you shouldn’t assume that’s the real problem.”

Considering the last few days, I admit, “Tack doesn’t trust I’ll stay with him. He acts like I’m fickle. Except I’ve had real reasons for why we weren’t together a week ago but are now.”

“He waited for you, Hunter. That wasn’t as easy as you might think. These boys go to the clubhouse where beautiful women throw themselves at them. For some of the boys, sex is the only way they know how to get or give affection. It’s a release they crave, and Tack went cold turkey for you. I know he was proud of himself for waiting. He remembers how his parents ruined themselves by indulging their every desire.”

I recall how easy waiting for sex was for me. The last few years flew by. I missed Tack when we’d go days without running into each, but sex was never something I needed. If I got restless, my vibrator was enough. The only reason I’m horny all the time now is because I’ve gotten a taste of Tack.

However, I can imagine how much more difficult it was for Tack. The women who come to the clubhouse are looking to party. They won’t weigh him down with emotions and expectations. He can feel good and walk away.

“Tack gave up a lot for you,” Aunt Fred says. “Then, he almost lost you twice. I don’t think he’s really processed how close he came to dying, either. Tack ices out those scary thoughts and focuses on how you’ll change your mind about him.”

“What can I do?”

“Don’t take his concerns personally. He was rude to me a lot in the beginning. That’s how he keeps control of a situation when he’s scared. So, if he pokes at you, choose to focus on what you want to focus on and don’t allow him to distract you.”

“How can I know when his complaints are real?”

“When this trouble is over, Tack hopes to move in with you. He’ll be nervous about living off the farm and merging his life with yours. Rather than focusing on that, he’ll likely zero in on how he’s leaving Sleepy here with Indigo.”

Feeling calmer, I consider how to protect Tack. “I’m worried about the next six months. In my head, I can picture things far off in the future. But I don’t know how I’ll actually build the life I imagine. For the last few days, Tack has felt both present and distant. We’ve been friends for a long time, but we’ve never spent so much time together. I wish we could slow things down to let him adjust. Or maybe I’m the one who needs to adjust. Either way, I feel like if we slow down at all, Tack will assume I’m pushing him away.”

Aunt Fred stands up and walks behind my chair. Her fingers slide through my hair. Shivering, I recall how my mom would often rub my head when I was overwhelmed.

As Aunt Fred massages my scalp, she murmurs, “Close your eyes, Hunter. Breathe deeply. You’re trying to control the future when you should only be worried about the rest of the day.”

“I feel like everything will be okay if I can reach that point in time I see in my head. The danger will be over. Tack will trust me. I’ll have my confidence back.”

“By then, your grief will be sorted out,” Aunt Fred adds. “The fear will be old news. But none of that will happen if you hide from your grief and fear now. That’s why you should only plan for today. Tomorrow shouldn’t concern you. Let yourself feel what’s happening in the present.”

I lean my head back and stare up at Aunt Fred. “I know you’re right, but I’m afraid to break down and feel bad. I’ve cried plenty, but I always pull it together. What if I start feeling sad all the time and Tack takes my depression personally?”

“Better to get these hiccups out of the way here at the farm, where he’s surrounded by people he trusts,” she says and slides her fingers across my overheated forehead. “If you don’t deal with your feelings honestly, how can you expect Tack to do so?”

Aunt Fred is soft spoken where Suzanne is loud-mouthed, but they both have a way of cutting through the bullshit. Standing up, I hug Aunt Fred and thank her for helping me hash out what I really need versus all the nonsense in my head.

Tack is mine. It’s okay to show him how bad I feel. I’m so afraid of falling apart and becoming a burden to people. Yet, my feelings don’t disappear if I hide them. Just like Tack remains troubled by a bad childhood, even if he refuses to acknowledge his past.

TACK

After the basketball game, Golden and the foster boys join Pork Chop and his sons fishing at one of the farm’s ponds. Though I consider tracking down Hunter, I figure she needs more girl time. Standing in the farm’s main road, I don’t know what to do with myself.

When I pass Elvis running by with several older foster boys on his tail, I ask about Indigo. He gestures toward the woods and keeps jogging.

I take the path into the woods behind the farmhouses. To my left, I hear Siobhan’s voice explaining a frog’s lifecycle. One of the twins asks about toads. I don’t see them despite their voices reaching me clearly.

To my right, I find Indigo sitting against a tree. Grumpy and Sleepy flank him. He’s got his eyes closed. So do the dogs as he rubs their heads.

Dropping down next to him, I breathe in the earthy scent around us. Indigo opens his eyes and frowns at me.

“What?”

“What are you doing?”

“Relaxing.”

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