Page 89 of Cruel Steps

God. I wasn’t any better. Try as I might, I hadn’t avoided all of my dad’s characteristics. Being an asshole to others and taking out your frustration on them hadn’t skipped over me.

Hope exhaled a long breath, looking off to the side for a beat before speaking. “I was jealous. She had everything I wanted, yet didn’t care about any of it. Her family had money. She lived in a nice house and had her own bathroom! She didn’t have to worry about if there would be enough to eat, or having to buy clothes from the local thrift store and worry that your classmate would recognize their throwaways.

“Hell, she could’ve even used her wealth to be popular. But she didn’t. She never cared about that stuff. All she cared about was dance, and she was good. It came so easily to her, and I worked my ass off to be half the dancer she was.

“She invited me over to her house in middle school for sleepovers, and it was like being on vacation. Her mom would make us cookies, and we’d swim and watch movies in the theater room. She’d go through her closet, giving me anything I wanted. She was so nice and selfless!”

Hope’s eyes widened, like she couldn’t believe Emerson had the audacity to be a decent person. Unable to fight my grin, I covered my mouth.

“Then her mom died, and I thought she’d abandoned me. So, instead of being a good friend and a decent person, I retaliated. I struck out and used things she’d told me in confidence to gain friends. Popularity.” She met my eyes, tears filling the brims. “It was the same summer you didn’t come to Mom’s to visit. I felt so invisible, like no one cared. I just wanted to feel seen.”

“Hope, I never meant?—”

“I know, Holden. And just because I felt a certain way doesn’t give me free rein to hurt others. I didn’t set out to bully her. The first time was an accident. I said something in anger, and the popular girls ate it up. They invited me to do things with them, and I liked feeling wanted. The more I put Emmy down, the more they asked me to do things. I felt vindicated because she’d ignored me all summer, like I was replaceable.

“When school started, I learned her mom had died, and I felt like a piece of shit. Guilt ate at me, and I tried to make it right, but it only worsened it. The damage had been done, and all the girls targeted Emmy. I was too weak to stand up to them or lose the power they gave me, so I doubled down.”

Tears streamed down her cheeks, and I mourned for the choices my sister had made. They’d been all wrong and had hurt an innocent person. Unfortunately, I knew what that felt like and the shame that accompanied it.

“I can understand how you got into this mess, but why didn’t you stop? You’re better than that, Hope.”

“I’m not, though, Holden. I’m not strong like you. The popularity felt too good. I needed it. I didn’t know how to function without it. It became an evil cycle. The more I hurt her, the more popularity I gained. I’d feel bad, but eventually, I could turn off the shame and console myself that she had everything else. I could have popularity for myself. And it worked. I ignored the guilt, so I didn’t have to lose everything.”

I tightened my fists into balls and clenched my jaw. “Why did you start again? You could’ve let it go. That video… That was messed up, Hope.”

“I know. It just felt like she was swooping in and taking everything I’d built here without even trying. Again.” She sucked in a shaky breath.

“Was her being on the dance team really that bad?”

Hope laughed, the sound sharp and hollow. “Yes. She’s too good for the dance team and would’ve overshadowed everyone. And next year, when I wanted to be captain, who would they choose? Half of the girls already wanted to do it this year. Emmy doesn’t even try; she just walks in and takes everything I work for!”

“Hope. Come on. You can’t believe that. She’s worked hard to be a great dancer.”

“Yeah, well, she’s on campus one day and already had Colter following her around like a lost puppy,” she huffed, turning her head. I caught the tear that fell and sighed.

“It’s never gonna happen with Colter. You’re not right for each other.”

“Way to soften your blows, brother.”

“Sorry, but I know he’s told you the same, and you haven’t listened. And I don’t see how having a good dancer on the team could be bad. I just don’t.” I crossed my arms. I wasn’t blameless, but maybe I could get Hope to admit how ridiculous her reasoning was.

“Well, it’s the truth. I’m a selfish bitch who couldn’t share the spotlight.” Her words were clipped.

“I don’t believe that. There has to be something else. Talk to me, Hope.”

Hope deflated and turned away from me, her lip wobbling. “I don’t know what to tell you, Holden. I’m just not a good person.” I opened my mouth to protest, but she cut me off. “Can you get me some water? And maybe see if I can eat? I’d really like a milkshake from Shake Shack.”

I bit my tongue to stop myself. I couldn’t push her or she’d clam up forever. Plus, she needed to recover; we could deal with the rest later. Standing, I wiped my hands on my shorts and nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be back. Mom said she’d be by later with some clothes. I sent her and Milton home this morning to get some sleep and a shower.”

Hope nodded, her eyes closed as tears fell down her cheeks. Grabbing my keys from the tray, I exited the room in silence. I didn’t know what to do with the stuff Hope had told me. It made everything that much more complicated. Not to mention how last night, I’d been so angry that I hadn’t thought about the repercussions of my actions. With Hope or Emerson.

Shit. I’d made a mess. What right did I have to judge either of them?

Walking by the nurse’s station, I stopped and asked them to take Hope some water and verified she could have food. Once I had clearance, I stepped out of the hospital and climbed into my truck. My hands itched to reach for my phone and call Colter, but I wasn’t ready to face him and the shitstorm I’d created.

You’re not any better than Hope.

I needed to do better.

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