Page 15 of Love Off Script

Ifelt terrible for not being more accommodating with Caz taping us. It hadn't occurred to me that this was part of the deal, but it should have. I had done a quick binge of her antics before work this morning and saw that she left nothing out. She had the camera everywhere and knew how to command the screen.

If she videoed us together, I would look even more invisible than I already did. Caz exuded natural assuredness, and for lack of a better word, she was cool. She could wear anything, say anything, or do anything, and people would be receptive to it. I envied her, but I appreciated how she always built me up.

It was weird being around someone who was part of the in-crowd but was kind and funny instead of a jackwagon. She thought her crassness offended me, but really, I was trying to think of something witty to contribute. I hoped she would want to be around me.

She saw a version of me that others didn’t, and it made me want to be that person. I kept a low profile when I was around Sonya and Devon because they were more over-the-top. It was a balancing act with them.

As I looked at the questions Caz had sent me, I was glad I had time to think about them before responding. Had she put me on the spot and recorded it, I would have felt like an idiot. The first one alone was embarrassing enough: Why did your last relationship end?

Technically, my last relationship wasn’t a relationship, and it didn’t have a definitive ending. Yoni had asked me out, and we went on several dates, which made me think we were together, but I found out the hard way she was non-monogamous when another person walked into the shop and kissed her right in front of me.

I didn’t let on that I was upset, but I stopped accepting her invitations. What made it even more disheartening was her complete indifference to me. We slid back into the friend’s zone as if we had never left it. That was six months ago, and it almost felt like I had imagined the entire situationship.

The following questions also threw me for a loop: What do you and your crush have in common? What are her favorite hobbies and interests? What are yours?

Ember fascinated me with her quirky personality and fashion sense. She seemed like a free spirit and someone I would love to get to know more, but that was the problem. How did I do that? I had been going to the coffee shop for months, hoping she would initiate a conversation and give me an opening. But she seemed shy, too, as she wasn’t overly chatty with anyone.

Maybe Caz could get her to open up. She made people feel comfortable, and it was easy to talk to her. But knowing my luck, Caz and Ember would hit it off, and I’d still be standing on the sidelines, wondering when it would be my turn to get into the game. Argh. I hated it when my mind went to negative places.

Since I met Caz, all she did was build me up. I couldn’t imagine her trying to take Ember out from under me—not that she was mine to steal… or under me. I didn’t even know if Ember was queer or single. Maybe I was wasting my time pining over someone unavailable. I was probably wasting Caz’s time, too.

I sighed. I wouldn’t get anywhere with these questions. Caz wanted answers to things I couldn’t give her. What I needed from her was a more profound understanding—something that went beyond the surface. If she could teach me how to flirt, maybe I could find out the information she wanted. But was that a learned behavior? Or was I just a lost cause?

I closed my eyes and placed my head in my hands, wondering what was wrong with me. I hated how socially awkward I was, but that wasn’t something I could change—at least not permanently. Ember had swagger, and it was magnetic. Anyone who entered her orbit had to be drawn to her undeniable charm. But I was mundane—boring.

She was completely unaware of my existence. I had been going there every Sunday for three months, ordering the same thing, and she still had to ask me what I wanted. I shouldn’t have been offended by that. She probably took many orders, and it was hard to get them all straight, but the difference was that I remembered everything about her. At least, the things I could see.

Depending on the day, her eyes would transform into different shades, switching from green to blue to gray. They appeared to mirror the ups and downs of her mood, and green seemed to be when she was the happiest. She also scrunched her nose in this cute way when she appeared confused and twisted her gorgeous mahogany hair around her finger when standing around with nothing to do. Every move she made was on my radar, even though she probably wouldn’t notice if I were gone.

I was not in a good headspace right now, so instead of focusing on all the things I lacked, I would work on Caz’s meal plan. I could do that without doubting myself, which was much better for my emotional well-being.

When I opened my laptop, there was a knock on my office door.

“Come in.” I would have gotten up to answer, but this was a tight space, which made it harder for them to enter.

“Hey.” Yoni poked her head inside, and I hoped that meant I had a client and she wasn’t trying to chat.

“What’s going on?” I didn’t make eye contact and pretended I was busy, just in case this was a social call.

I wasn’t angry with her about the past, but I had different boundaries now, including being professional.

“Nothing really.” Her words didn’t match her actions as she lingered in my doorway.

“Okay. Did you need something?” I tapped on my computer, even though I wasn’t typing anything.

“I wanted to check on you.” Those words caused me to pause. She never showed concern for me, not even when we were pseudo-dating.

“I’m doing well. Thank you. Is that all?” I probably should have asked how she was, but it was my turn for indifference.

She cleared her throat. “Yeah, I guess so.” Her voice sounded deflated, but I wouldn’t ask why.

“Good deal. Let me know if I get any clients. Thanks.”

She shut the door without further response, and a slight smile played across my lips. Whatever she was going to say probably had to do with Caz, and I didn’t want her to go there. I was fine with Yoni bringing in her parade of flings, but Caz wasn’t here for her entertainment. She was here to help me, which would be a full-time gig.

Before I could let my fears run wild in my mind, my phone chimed with a message.

Caz: Hey. You want to grab dinner and get a jumpstart? My producer’s worried.

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