Page 77 of Fire

Except I’ve never been very good at waiting and seem to have used up my limited supply of patience.

I shift, leaning on my elbow to meet her eyes. “I’ve tried so hard to be what you need. I’ve gone slow. I’ve let you set the pace. Every time you act the least bit uncomfortable, I back off. What more do I need to do to show you you’re safe with me?”

I bite my lip because that’s enough. Now is not the time. She’s just starting to open back up and this will only close her down.

The light in Ivy’s eyes fades, like the last hint of red fading from embers. “It’s not on you, Micah. It’s on me. This is my hurdle to overcome. My scars that need to heal. And I’m working on it, but it’s a lot. Please be patient with me and know I’m trying.”

The answer should satisfy me, but it doesn’t. How long will she sacrifice her wants, her needs, her life when I’m right here, saying she doesn’t have to do it alone anymore?

“I’m sorry…” she says, her gaze bouncing across my face. “I don’t want to make you mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“You sound like you’re mad.”

“I’m…” I sigh, closing my eyes then opening them back up to find her staring at me like she’s scared to death. For some reason, seeing her afraid pisses me off. “I’m frustrated. I’m impatient. I’m…I don’t know. You went through a lot of stuff and…”

Ivy nods like she finally understands what’s going on. “And I’m not working through it fast enough for you.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you’re thinking it.” The light in her eyes reignites instead of fading from view completely. She’s still in there, willing to give me shit when I deserve it. I don’t think she ever would have stood up for herself like that to Julian, so I choose to take that as a sign she’s trying.

I cup her cheek. “I’m just being greedy, Ives. I want to take care of you. I want you to trust me. I want you to trust yourself. It’s just…”

“Taking longer than you expected?” Her voice thaws and she hits me with a soft smile.

“A little.”

“I want to do this right. You deserve for me to do this right,” Ivy says earnestly, “but I’m terrified I’m doing it all wrong. My plan was to spend years on my own, literal years, proving to myself that I can be independent. And then…” She traces a finger along my collarbone. “This? Us? How do you plan for something like this? You’re so important to me, Micah.”

I flash to her running towards her grandmother’s house. Fear glittering in her eyes as I wrapped my arm around her waist. The fear I attributed to the shock of flames and the knowledge someone she loved was trapped inside…the fear that never fully went away. Ivy lives her life constantly afraid she’s not doing anything right and here I am, positive I can just show up and make it better by what? Doing the same things her ex did and expecting her to trust me when I say my motivations are different?

“You’re important to me too, Ives. I just…” I sigh, then swallow hard. “You’re everything to me. You always have been. And I…I don’t know…I want you to feel the same.”

There’s a sense of desperation in the air. Hers. Mine. Both of us stripped bare in front of the other, begging to be understood.

“I know how I feel when I’m with you,” Ivy says, “and it’s wonderful and good and all the stuff dreams are made of. And I know you’re not Julian, but I’m still me. Every ounce of control he had over me, I gave to him. Even when it killed me inside to agree or go along or whatever, I did it anyway. You deserve more than that from me. You deserve a healthy relationship.”

“So do you.” I sit up, caressing her cheeks, her hair, looking deeply into her eyes, hoping she’ll recognize how important this is to me. “And I think we’re building one.”

She glances away, not ready to face what she sees in my gaze. “I don’t know if I remember what healthy is.”

“I promised you I’d take care of you. And you know how important a promise is to me.”

My response doesn’t satisfy her. It’s in the tight sigh that rushes out her nose. The grim line of her lips. The tension in her shoulders.

“Sometimes that might mean letting me do things my way, at my pace.”

I didn’t like it when Tucker said it and I like it even less coming from Ivy, but…

“If that’s what you need, then I’ll do my best to give it to you,” I say, even though it feels like my heart is being ripped from my chest. “Just promise me one thing. At least consider going back to school. At whatever pace makes sense to you. And that’s all I’ll say on the topic until you bring it up again.” I mime zipping my lips, then pull her back into my arms, my mind racing.

So where does that leave me? Where do I fit into her life, when doing things her way means doing them on her own?

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

Ivy

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