Page 48 of Fire

“Happier.” He scoffs. “Who are you fucking?”

My thoughts screech to a halt. I expected him to ask about housing. About a job. About the practical things that would make it difficult to live without his financial support. Or maybe he’d talk about how much he loves me. How much he misses me. How hard it’s been with me gone. Instead, he jumps straight to me sleeping with someone.

“Excuse me, what?” I ask, filled with righteous indignation I haven’t earned. After all, I did sleep with Micah last night, though it didn’t happen the way Julian’s thinking.

“That’s what’s happening, right? You found some asshole, you pretended to be a victim, and now you’re living with him instead of leeching off me?”

“That’s not true!” I yell, even though it kind of is.

“Then how is someone without a job, skills, or time to get one, able to find a place to live, Ivy? Hmm? Care to explain that to me? This guy, he’s richer than me, right? That’s the only way this makes sense.”

I open my mouth on the speech I spent all night planning, then close it again. Why waste another breath on this conversation? Julian will never hear me. He never has.

“I’m tired of explaining myself to you.” I stand, propelled into movement by the adrenaline in my veins. “I’m tired of defending everything I do. I’m tired of never being enough for you.”

“I deserve more than this,” he replies, proving he didn’t hear a thing I said.

“And I deserve more than you, Julian. Nell deserves more than you.”

“I’m the best thing to happen to Nell.” I imagine his face, red and pinched and angry. A look I’ve seen so many times. Too many times. “And I’m sure as hell the best thing to happen to you.”

“No, Julian. You’re not. You never were.” I stare into a sky so blue it hurts, surprised to find myself feeling relief instead of grief. “Have you noticed you haven’t mentioned love once? I’m breaking up with you and all you have to say is that you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. That I can’t make it without you. That I must be with someone else.”

“Of course I love you,” he says, exhausted with the concept.

“This isn’t what love feels like!”

“I see, so taking care of someone, that’s not love? Please, Ivy. Help me understand. What is love?”

The first image that pops into my brain is Micah, carrying Grandma out of her house the night of the fire, then grinning down at me as he pulled off his helmet. I hear him making sure I’d been checked out by the EMTs, his concern for me so clear in his eyes.

I see him helping me off the ground at the grocery store, reminding me to breathe, gathering my food off the pavement then kissing me like we were still young, stupid, and in love. I see the sheer awe in which he looks at Nell, a little girl he barely knows but already adores.

“You know, Julian. What’s that quote about porn? I can’t really define it, but I know it when I see it. Love’s the same. If you think you love me, then that’s news to me. I haven’t felt it from you in a long time. I’m not sure I ever did.”

“This isn’t over, Ivy.”

“It is for me.” With trembling hands, I end the call, then drop my phone onto the seat beside me. Sunlight sparkles on the pool and the palms dance in a light breeze, almost as if they’re congratulating me. I let out a breath.

It’s done.

And all I can do is laugh.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Micah

“Micah Anthony Hutton. Do you care to explain yourself?”

I pull the phone away from my ear and grimace. Even as an adult, Mom breaking out my middle name is enough to make my balls crawl into my stomach. Excusing myself, I push my chair away from the table where I’m eating breakfast with the rest of the crew at the fire station.

I give Carson a look that says I might be in trouble, then head for the bunk room to continue the conversation in private. “It’s good to hear your voice, Mom.”

“Don’t you play innocent with me. It doesn’t work when your father tries it, and it has never worked for you.”

I flick on the light and grin. “It sometimes works for me.”

“Well, it’s not working for you today. I am shocked. And hurt. And just…” She stumbles for words, huffing and stammering and wow, Mom’s genuinely upset. It’s been so long since she’s been disappointed with me that I assumed she was joking with the whole middle name thing.

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