Page 4 of Fire

Grandma shrugs. “I think a lot of things you’ve changed about yourself are because of Julian. We just haven’t uncovered them all yet.”

Her soft smile makes me love her all the more. She’s on my side, even when she’s pointing out hard truths. Though, in this situation, she missed the mark.

“I don’t think we can blame this on him.” I slide my phone out of its hiding place and wave it guiltily. “I was stalking Micah Hutton. And didn’t want you to know.”

Stupid Micah Hutton and his stupid broken promises.

And his stupid smile. And his stupid firemen self saving my grandma, reinforcing the hero complex he definitely hasn’t earned.

“Why didn’t you want me to know? I’d say it’s natural to be curious what the father of your child is doing with the time he’s definitely not spending with his daughter.” Grandma tilts her head, looking oh so sweet even though she’s as angry with Micah as I am. She fell for his lies, the same way I did.

To this day, I struggle to believe he never responded when I told him I was pregnant. Sure, Dad was monitoring the heck out of my phone back then, but that only makes it less likely we missed a text or call from Micah.

I duck my chin and smile sheepishly. “I thought you’d be disappointed in me. That you’d tell me I was making a dumb decision to look him up and it’s better to leave him in the past where he belongs.”

“Fair enough.” Grandma bobs her head and crosses her arms, showing off the lean muscle she earned in Senior Yoga. “And that last bit about him belonging in the past might be true. But tell me this. Why did thinking I might say those things make you so uncomfortable you had to hide what you were doing instead of owning it?”

And just like that, Grandma’s point comes into focus. “Because all I ever hear is how I’m making dumb decisions. Because Julian has a comment on everything I say and everything I do and none of it is pleasant. Because I’m tired of feeling like I’m not doing anything right. So, I hid what I was doing because I was afraid you’d say something nasty like he does.”

Grandma nods sagely. “Now,” she says, holding up a finger, “it’s important to remember that every ounce of autonomy he took, you handed over with your own free will. You’ve had a choice in the matter this whole time, and I only say that because—”

“It’s important to see how I can avoid similar mistakes in the future.” From the moment I moved in, Grandma’s managed the perfect blend of tough love and safe space. She’s helped me see Julian for what he is without letting me make myself a victim. Taking responsibility for the choices I made has been hard, but it’s necessary if I want to avoid finding myself in the same situation in the future.

I will never be dependent on someone else again. Especially not someone who considers himself a hero while being so cruel.

“I’m not trying to beat you up, Ives. I know how people like Julian can seem like they’re the answer to all your problems…and then bit by bit, piece by piece, they become the biggest problem you’ve ever had—while making it seem like it’s your fault.”

I bob my head, processing the info. When Julian and I met, he was kind. Understanding. A welcome break from my father’s judgment. He went so far out of his way to take care of me and Nell that I was ready to award him sainthood. I took everything he said as gospel without questioning, even when the things he said started to hurt. I didn’t notice the leash tightening until I couldn’t catch my breath.

Thankfully, I had the good sense to call my grandmother on one of my worst days, sobbing, scared to death, and certain something was wrong with me. Julian was a prince who took mercy on me, taking in me and my daughter and lavishing us with luxury we hadn’t earned. I must be a special kind of asshole to turn around and question whether he was worthy of forever.

Boy, did Grandma have a surprise for me on that topic.

The women in my family have a pattern—and I’m caught in it.

She told me how much better things got for her after Grandpa passed—a man so like my father, so like Julian, the comparisons made my head hurt. As she healed and saw the pattern for what it is, she tried to save my mom from my dad, but it was too late. Mom wouldn’t leave Dad and cut her mother out of her life instead.

But it’s not too late for me.

I can leave.

I can break the pattern of gentle wives and overbearing husbands before Nell gets caught in it too.

“Now,” Grandma says, sitting beside me, clasping her hands under her chin, “what did we learn about that Micah Hutton? Did he grow up to be as handsome as I thought he would?”

Is she kidding me? We’re going to talk about how handsome he is?

“This is the man who abandoned his pregnant girlfriend and never acknowledged his daughter’s existence, remember? We hate him. Bigly.”

I still can’t believe he thought I’d be happy to see him.

Like just because he carried my grandma out of a burning house, I’d forget the last seven years.

Talk about overbearing, over cocky, overconfident men…

“You can think someone is hot and still hate them.”

“Grandma!”

---