Page 64 of Along Comes Trouble

TESSA

“D oyou have any idea how hard it is to find teaching positions at an elementary school?” I close my laptop and put it on the table near the couch .

Faye nods knowingly. “You’re preaching to the choir here. Once I got the job at Wildland, I decided I’d fight tooth and nail to keep it. Everyone wants to work with the little kids .”

“Maybe I should start looking at middle schools and high schools.” I sigh. “Although I’m afraid teenagers would eat me alive.” I tuck my legs beneath me and lean my head on the armrest. How can being so completely empty hurt so damn much ?

“Are you sure this is really what you want to do? You’ve got a good thing going at Wildland. I heard Rhonda Thompson even went so far as to mention you as an example of how to inspire kids to read .”

I widen my eyes, feigning surprise. “Considering I thought she hated me, that is a mighty fine compliment, but Brookside is too small, you know? Everything reminds me of Colton and I’m so tired of feeling sad.” I close my eyes against the tears that still, even after all these months, live right at the surface, waiting for me to think of him so they can betray my pain .

Faye pats my knee. “I know, babe. I know. But you shouldn’t have to disrupt your entire life because of one bad relationship .”

I’ve tried to explain to her why I’m so affected by breaking up with Colton. On paper, it doesn’t make sense and I can understand her confusion. I didn’t like him when we first met. We dated for two months. We broke up. Anyone else would be over him by now. Moving? Finding another job? Considering the circumstances, I’m overreacting .

But…

Colton and I were so much more than I can explain. Before him, I thought I knew happiness, but being with him taught me joy. I thought I knew companionship, but being with him taught me what it means to truly understand the inner workings of another person. Colton entered my life when I thought I had everything going for me and showed me how much more I could have. And now, I’ve lost it all. I’m officially depressed. Most days, it’s all I can do to get out of bed and I really, really just want to get the hell out of Brookside and start over. I don’t want to worry about running into Colton and having to figure out how not to cry in public. I don’t want to think of him every time I see brownies. Or a kid comes to school wearing a Thunderhawks t-shirt. Or any number of things that sets me off .

Colton is everywhere in this town and he was my everything and now, I’m nothing .

I sigh. “I’m sorry to drag you down.” I smile at Faye. “And I really hate leaving because Brookside is a great place .”

“And you’ll miss me .”

“And of course I’ll miss you.” I sit forward. “But…” It’s foolish trying to explain it. She’ll tell me I should move on and I’ll try to explain why I can’t. And now, as glad as I was to have her company, I’m ready to be alone because I need to cry. After three months, the tears should be gone, but they’re not. They’re just not. I’m starting to wonder if they ever will be. Faye hangs around for another hour while I use every trick I can think of to hold myself together .

The moment I close my door behind her, I lean my head against it and cry. Outside, birds sing and the sun shines. The grass is starting to grow again and soon, all the brown will be replaced with green. Spring is supposed to be about rebirth and growth but for me, it’s nothing but hollow .

I’m gutted. Halved. Incomplete. All the things I thought I wanted barely matter anymore because I miss Colton so damn much. For the millionth time since he walked out of my apartment, I consider calling him and telling him how much I miss him. What a dumb idea. For all I know, he’s already seeing someone else. We’ve been apart longer than we were together .

That thought is agony and I sob, pressing a hand to my stomach .

Besides, what would calling him do? Let’s say we meet for lunch and he’s still the man I love. We talk, and all those feelings get stirred up again. In the end, we’re still doomed because I want a family and he doesn’t .

A thought settles heavily on my shoulders. It’s complicated and unwieldy and I can barely make sense of it, but it feels like something that needs my attention now. Nausea churns to life as bitterness rises in my throat. I can’t imagine ever loving someone the way I love Colton. What we had was unique. Special. I’ve never felt this way before and how can I be sure I’ll ever feel this way again ?

And if I don’t feel this way again, how could I ever be okay with the idea of starting a family? Children deserve to be raised in a home overflowing with love and respect. After watching Colton with Claire and the kids, I developed an idea of what our family might look like. I have these perfect images of our children, dark-haired and blue-eyed, running to Colton the way Claire, Gabe, and Thomas do, clinging to his arms and legs like he’s the strongest man in all the world. I can’t imagine ever loving someone enough to want to want to have children with him. Not after this. Not after Colton .

So, if I don’t want to start a family if I can’t do it with Colton, does that mean I’d be willing to be with him and not have children ?

The thought spirals out of control, sending me down a long line of what if s and but what about s. I want to cry, but I feel so damn empty. I’m a hollow pit. A stupid, dumb woman who made a stupid, dumb decision that caused her to lose everything .

The last three months have taught me that I loved Colton with a ferocity I didn’t appreciate until he was gone. I broke things off because I thought I was doing us a favor. Stopping us from getting too involved before the freight train of our future ran us down and destroyed us .

But I was already too involved. Here I am, realizing I’m unwilling to have children with anyone but Colton, and yet, I ended things between us because he didn’t want children. My knees buckle under the weight of the realization .

I thought I knew myself so well .

My God, was I wrong .

None of it matters, though. Not now. Not after all this time. Colton walked out of my apartment and disappeared from my life. No texts. No calls. Nothing. He’s gone. What kind of a selfish bitch would I have to be to reach out now? Besides, what would I say? I love you and I don’t think I want to have children anymore if I can’t have them with you. I didn’t mean too, but I daydreamed our perfect future into existence and it’s the only one I want now. Oh, and I really hope you’re not seeing someone else .

I’m such a fool .

I wipe my tears and head back to the couch. Grab my laptop and resume my job search. The only way for me to get through this is to be anywhere but here. I had a chance at happiness, but I was too stuck in my version of the perfect life to see what I had when it was right in front of me .

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