Page 61 of Along Comes Trouble

TESSA

M y finger hoversover the button to accept Colton’s call as I wage an internal battle with myself over whether to answer it. He was drunk last night. Way the fuck drunk. I’m sure he has no idea what he said, and the odds are, he might not have meant those awful words. But still, it hurt. It more than hurt, it sent me into a tailspin and I haven’t recovered. I haven’t slept. I haven’t eaten. I lay awake on his couch for hours, listening to him snore as I waited to be sober enough to get the hell out of there. When I got home, I still couldn’t sleep .

As the moon set and the sun rose, one thing became clear. I’ve been fooling myself when it comes to Colton. We are not perfect for each other. We are not soulmates, each of us designed to balance the other out. He’s not the yin to my yang or the peanut butter to my jelly .

We are opposites, approaching life from different angles, with different hopes and dreams. There’s no way to merge our lives without one or both of us having to change drastically to fit the other and that’s not fair for either of us. It doesn’t matter how much I love him, the only thing we’re destined for is failure. Love isn’t enough. It just isn’t .

I reject his call for the third time and then read the transcription of his voicemail because I’ll fall to pieces if I hear his voice. As it is, my hands tremble so hard I have to put down my phone to read his words. Twenty minutes later, there’s a knock at my door. I know it’s Colton. Since when is he going to let a little thing like me not answering my phone keep him from getting what he wants ?

I consider ignoring him. I haven’t slept enough for this conversation and I’m sure to cry and say things I don’t mean, and I don’t want to do this right now. But damn it, I’m better than that and he deserves to know what’s going on. I pull open the door and lean my head on the cool wood .

“Holy fuck, Tessa.” Colton’s hat is pulled down low over his aviators, a travel mug venting coffee-scented steam in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. “Why didn’t you answer my calls ?”

“Because I wasn’t ready to talk to you .”

“Wasn’t ready…?” He looks at his feet, shaking his head. “What happened last night ?”

“You got drunk — ”

He holds up his hands. “Can I at least come in so we can have this conversation like mature adults ?”

I widen my eyes and cross my arms over my chest. “Oh. I’m sorry. How incredibly selfish of me. Of course,” I say, standing back and gesturing with my arm. “Please, come in .”

Colton steps inside and takes off his hat and glasses. “Why the hostility? What happened last night?” He looks so hurt, I regret the sarcasm in my previous statement .

“You got really honest with me, that’s what happened.” Tears burn in my eyes and I turn away because damn it, tears will only make this harder than it already is .

“What could I possibly have said? That I love you? That you make me happier than I’ve ever been ?”

I run my hands into my hair and Colton puts a hand on my shoulder. I shrug out of his grasp. “Please don’t touch me right now.” I spin and glare at him, shifting my weight back and forth between my feet and swallowing hard. “I haven’t slept and this is hard enough without having to think through the way I feel when you touch me .”

“Hard enough? Tessa. You’re scaring me. What happened?” Colton reaches for me and I step back, shaking my head .

“I’ve been fooling myself. I thought we were meant for each other. I thought you and I were designed to balance the other out, like a human yin yang. That on our own, we’re each skewed too far in one direction, but together we’re perfectly centered. But you know, for compromise to truly work, neither person is ever truly happy with the outcome and I don’t think we should have to live like that .”

Colton holds out his hands. “You’re not making any sense .”

“Well, I’m sorry if I’ve been up all night trying to understand what you said to me. I didn’t have the luxury of an alcohol-induced night of sleep.” I pace the room, careful to keep distance between us. “I’m sorry you’re the second son and have to figure yourself out, but I can’t sit here and give up on everything just because your brother got the farm .”

“What on earth? Tessa …”

I stop in my tracks. “You told me that all I ever do is talk about kids. That I never stop pressuring you to have kids. Do you realize that I have consciously tried not to pick up that topic because I recognize it’s too early for us to have that conversation? At the same time, I think we’d be fools to build a relationship while knowing we’re not on the same page regarding our future. But I keep putting off the conversation, even though it’s been eating at me, because I knew it would end up like this .”

“Like what?” Colton narrows his eyes .

“Like this .”

“You’ll have to excuse me, but my brain is operating at a snail’s pace. Just what do you think is happening right now ?”

“We aren’t working, Colton. This—” I gesture between us “—isn’t working .”

His face crumples. “What? No …”

“Yes.” I choke on a sob. “I can’t keep feeling like this .”

“Feeling like what?” Colton steps toward me, his face a mask of pain .

“Like this! Like I love you so damn much but we’re on a crash course for disaster. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, but I don’t get to keep you. Not without making you choose to have kids, something you swore you’d never do, or choosing for myself to never have kids, something I can’t even begin to fathom. All I ever hear is that I’m overthinking everything, but it feels like there’s a freight train barreling toward us and I keep saying we should get off the tracks and all everyone says is that I worry too much. How can you be so good for me and so bad for me at the same time ?”

---