Page 55 of This Is Why

The day disappears in a frenzy of packing and last-minute arrangements. Ty says Gabe and I can stay here as long as we want, but I don’t want to be here without him. Plus, maybe being around my friends will help make me feel less alone. I try to stay strong, but every time I’m alone, I cry. When we tell Gabe, he cries, too and that just does me in. I sit down in the middle of the living room, pull my son into my lap, and sob. Ty wraps his arms around the both of us and doesn’t say a word. What else is there tosay?

I finish the day on auto-pilot, making lists and checking off every item I can think of. Ty and I make dinner together, dancing around each other in the kitchen as if we’ve been doing it for years. It’s so comfortable and easy. I’m going to miss being withhim.

“I don’t want to go back to Brookside,” I say, leaning against the counter. “I don’t think it’s going to feel like home anymore.”

Ty stops what he’s doing to look at me. “Then don’t. Stayhere.”

“But I don’t think here will feel like home either.”

Ty puts the knife down on the counter and pulls me into him. “This is every bit yourhome.”

“That’s the thing. You are my home. I belong with you. Not Brookside. Not Oahu. With you. Wherever you are, that’shome.”

“Oh, Lex…”

I look up at him. “I love you, Ty. You’re taking my whole heart with you to Afghanistan.”

“And I’m leaving my heart right here.” He places his hand on my chest. “It’s an even trade.”

“You promise everything is going to beokay?”

“I promise. Everything is going to beokay.”

That night, we make love. There’s a ferocity to our movement, desperation. We are starving men eating our last meal, desperate to soak in everything we can. I touch his face, cup his cheeks between my hands as he moves inside me. I can’t look away, even as tears stream down my face and my heart swells until I’m afraid it might burst, I refuse to look away. This is the last time I’ll see him for who knows how long and that’s bad enough, but Tara’s voice keep echoing in myhead.

We’ve lost friends…

That voice spent the day whispering insidious things to me. If they’ve lost friends, who’s to say you won’t lose Ty? This isn’t a standard deployment. This is something bigger. Something worse. What if this is the last time you look into those eyes? What if this is theend?

“I love you,” I say, my voice a whisper, choked by tears andlust.

“I love you, too.” Ty kisses me. “So much,” he says when he releases my lips. “I will move heaven and earth to get back toyou.”

“I know,” I say. I believe him. He will do everything in his power to get us back together. The realization that I trust him that much is my undoing. I come, wrapping my arms and legs around him, holding him tighter and tighter because there is no such thing as too close. Not with him. When Ty comes, he drops his head to my shoulder and we stay like that, wrapped up, him still inside me, for a longtime.

Morning comes and the hours pass, treacherous as ever. Ty drives us to the airport. Gabe hugs him tight, his tiny hands clutching Ty’s shirt. Emotions swirl in Ty’s eyes when he finally releases his son and then stands and reaches forme.

“I’ve never minded leaving,” he says, his voice thick. “But this time is tearing me apart. I’ve never had to say goodbye before. Not to people that matter.”

“This isn’t a real goodbye,” I say. “This is just goodbye for now. We’ll talk soon and be together again before we know it.” I pull Gabe close and Ty wraps an arm around the both of us. We don’t say much. Just stand there, soaking up the last few moments of connection we can before we have to let himgo.

* * *

Ty

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life is watch Lexi and Gabe walk through the TSA gate at the airport. I stand at attention as she gathers her carry on and takes Gabe’s hand. Watch as she hands her boarding pass to the agent and then, when she turns back to wave one last time, tears streaming down her face, it’s all I can do to keep myself together. I blow her a kiss. Place a hand on my heart. And when she’s disappeared from view, I do a neat about face and stride out of the airport.

This isn’t a real goodbye…

Emotion threatens to overwhelm me but I lock that shit up tight and swallow the key. I have a duty to perform, a job to do. I am not the only Marine to have to say goodbye to his family. Men do it every day. Every damn day. And that doesn’t stop them from pulling themselves together and doing what needs done. This is my life. This is who I am. I am a Marine and a damn good one at that. My men need me to be operating at peak efficiency and that isn’t going to happen if I let my emotions ruleme.

The past is over and the future is uncertain. What matters is now. My mission. My men. Going over there to do whatever it is that needs done to make sure the people we love the most are safe and then getting our happy asses back home to enjoy the fruits of our labor.

This is the way of it. The way it’s been and the way it will be. No one told me being a Marine would be easy. Shit, I signed up because I knew it was a challenge most men couldn’t live up to. I wanted to prove I didn’t have a limit. That I could push myself above and beyond and then above and beyond again in order to do the things that needdone.

I stride through the front doors of the airport and out to the parking lot, my boots striking a heavy staccato rhythm on the pavement, my hands fisted, my chin lifted. The more I try to convince myself that I’m limitless, the more I question if it’s true because, damn it, leaving Lexi and Gabe sure as hell feels like a limit tome.

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