Page 21 of This Is Why

Me: Lexi Stills, will you do me the honor of seeing me again tonight?

The reply bubbles bounce and a jolt of adrenaline courses through my body. I feel like I’m fucking fifteen again, setting up a date with the first girl I ever had a serious crushon.

Lexi:I almost told you no, just to freak you out but decided not to be cruel like some people I know. I have to check on a sitter for Gabe, but assuming I can find someone to watch him, then yes. I would love to go out with you tonight.

Me: Perfect. Just let meknow.

I’m sure David and Michelle would watch Gabe again. Or Annabelle. Or hell, even Colton, although I’m not sure who would be taking care of who in that situation. I shift, turning around to lean on the porch railing, and catch sight of my laptop, still open next to my coffeecup.

Me: Oh, hey… what was Gabe’s firstword?

Lex: Thankyou

Me: His first word was thankyou?

Lex: Well, he did the babbling first. Dada. Mama. That kind of stuff. But his first actual word was thank you. Shocked the hell out ofme.

My chest tightens and I grind my teeth together. I know babies babble, and that the first series of babbles are often dada and mama sounds, but the thought of my son saying my name without me there hits a nerve I would rather not have touched again. It’s raw and aching and dredges up all kinds of ugly shit about my own less than awesomedad.

Me: What about his first steps? Howold?

I wait for the bouncing bubbles to let me know she’s typing out a reply, but instead, the phone vibrates with an incoming call. Lexi’s smiling face fills my screen and I answer immediately.

“Hey.” I drop into my seat and pick up my coffeemug.

“Hey.” There’s a smile in Lexi’s voice and hearing it makes me smile, too. “I have a few minutes and talking is so much easier than texting. Gabe walked early. I think he was eight or nine months old, but it was a long time ago, so I could be wrong.”

“What about his alphabet? When did he learnthat?”

“Ummm … He was really little. I think he was just under two?” Her statement is a question.

“The typical age to start recognizing letters is around two to three, but they can’t recite the whole thing until four or five? Right?” I parrot back what I learned through my internet searches this morning.

“That sounds about right. How do you knowthat?”

“I got lost down a Google rabbit hole this morning, trying to learn everything I can about six-year-olds and then I got curious about childhood development in general. It’s kind of what I do. Latch onto a topic I’m passionate about and then research it until I run out of things to research.”

“What else do you want to know?” Lexi’s voice is hushed.

“Everything. I can’t think of one thing you might tell me that would be too small for me to care about.”

Lexi lets out a shaky breath. “I kept a scrapbook. It’s filled with pictures and notes from the time he was born until now. I can bring it over to you if you’re interested.”

“I’m very interested. I’d love that.” In fact, the thought of getting to learn these things about Gabe has my throat tightening. I take a drink of coffee and swallow back the emotion. “Is he at daycare? While you’re atwork?”

“Yeah. Today.” She clears her throat. “Sometimes my mom watches him if I’ve got a long string of long days. Or if she’s not available and I have to work longer than the daycare is open, the Y has a latchkey program for after daycare hours. It’s not ideal, but it works.”

“Maybe I could take him?” The words are out before I have time to think better of it. “I mean, I know it’s not a long-term solution, but while I’m here, if you have any long days and want him to have some one on one time with someone, I’m yourguy.”

Lexi sighs. “That’s really great of you to offer that Ty, and I understand and respect your desire to see him. I really do. But is that good for Gabe? If you’re just going to be gone again in a few days, what good will it do him to get to know you only to lose you again?”

“It’s not perfect, but, from my own personal experience, I think he’ll be better off knowing who his father is and why I’m not around rather than wondering if there’s something wrong with him that would make me disappear.”

“He doesn’t thinkthat.”

“Not yet. But maybe there’s a time, sooner or later, when he’s old enough to really process things, that he’s going to wonder why he wasn’t worth enough to me to make me stick around.” I take a long breath and close my eyes. “My own dad left right after my sister was born. I was two and she was an infant so as far as we were concerned, he never even existed. My mom did a damn fine job raising the two of us. She worked her ass off to provide a decent life and tried to be both soft and nurturing as well as a hard disciplinarian, in order to fill both parental roles. But I tell you, when I was old enough to realize that other kids had two parents? I never forgave my dad for leaving and I struggled for a long time, wondering what part of me wasn’t good enough for him. I eventually channeled it all into something positive, a desire to continually improve myself, but my sister didn’t do as well. I swore I’d be a better dad. Swore that when it was time for me to start a family, I’d be there. I’d raise my kids so they knew what they were worth. Swore that I’d make sure my wife didn’t have to struggle trying to be both a mom and a provider. Lexi, please, let me be a father to Gabe so he knows he has two people who think the sun rises and sets with him. Let me be the dad I always swore I would be. For me and forhim.”

I open my eyes and stare into the bright blue sky. Maybe it was wrong to put all of that on her. Maybe it was wrong to open up like that, but damn it, I want to do what’s right for Gabe just as much as she does. And yes, it’s messy right now, but that doesn’t mean we should walk away from it and let it keep on being messy. There is a solution here, one that’s good for all of us. We just have to keep the communication lines open so we can figure out what itis.

Lexi swallows hard enough for me to hear it over the phone. “Come to my house tonight. For a late dinner. It’ll be simple because I don’t get off until seven and have to pick up Gabe from daycare before I make the long drive home, but if you don’t mind seeing me in my scrubs and eating some cheap spaghetti with us, then I would love to have you there.”

She doesn’t say a thing about telling Gabe I’m his father and I don’t press the issue. When the time is right, we’ll know. I’m sure ofit.

“That’ll be perfect.” I stand up, too excited to be still. “But please, let me bring dinner. That way you don’t have to worry about trying to throw something together and make a mess in the kitchen after a long day at work. Let me take care ofyou.”

There’s a long pause on the other end of the line. “That would be very nice,” she says after a bit. We make our plans and say our goodbyes and I hang up the phone almost vibrating with anticipation.

I have no idea how to cook a dinner for a family after a long day of work. My own meals consist of simple stuff: lunch meat and cheese. Microwave chicken fingers. High protein meals that require minimal effort. Lexi and Gabe deserve so much more than minimal effort. I open up a few recipe sites and put together what sounds like a delicious if not time-consuming meal, and then go off in search of Annabelle to ask permission to use her kitchen, since everyone knows it really belongs to her and not David or Michelle.

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