TY
The call comesin the middle of the night. I answer it without managing to wake Lexi and then, after ending the call, I stand in the darkened hallway outside my bedroom for a long time. Just a few hours ago, I almost told Lexi I love her. Almost begged her to stay with me in Hawaii, even though I have been trying so hard to back off and give her space to make her decision without pressure fromme.
And now? It’s all gone toshit.
I know things change in the blink of an eye. They go from normal, happy, innocuous moments to devastating tragedies with the push of a button, or the buzz of my phone in the middle of the night.
I’m going to Afghanistan.
This isn’t a standard deployment. I haven’t been given time to get my affairs in order. Some asshole is doing something that needs to be stopped and I’m the guy to stophim.
Ready your men. You ship out in forty-eight hours.
And the love of my life is sleeping in my bed, our son sleeping soundly at Jack and Tara’s. We only had two more weeks together at best and now we have nothing. How can I ask her to stay with me when I can’t even promise to stay with her? How can I ask her to uproot her entire life, Gabe’s entire life, and come out here to live with me when I can’t even promise to be here forthem?
I keep asking myself different versions of the same questions Lexi kept asking me when I first found her in Brookside. I wanted to be part of Gabe’s life and she wanted to move slowly so that we didn’t create too much upheaval for him. But oh, no. I was so sure that my way was right, so positive that I would come in and make everything better than it already was, that I didn’t stop to consider her side of things even once. I wanted to bring him stability but all I’ve brought is chaos.
This isn’t the kind of father I want to be. I don’t want to be part-time. Here one minute and gone the next. And yet, this is my life. This is who I am. I am an officer in the United States Marine Corps. When the shit hits the fan, I go out there and clean it up so no one else has to get dirty.
And then there’s Lexi. I love her. I don’t know when it happened. Hell, it probably happened the very first time I saw her in Key West. I’m head over heels, crazy in love with her. I want to make her life better each day. I want to make her smile and laugh and be glad every time she opens her eyes in the morning. And, while going overseas and doing the things I do will keep her safe, I can’t stomach the thought of leavingher.
How will I breathe withouther?
How will our relationship survive?
It feels so strong, so real, so unlike anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone, and yet, it’s brand fucking new. Will this break us? She’s here because she couldn’t fathom the thought of a long-distance relationship, and yet, the only way to move forward while I’m overseas is through Skype calls and video chats. There will be times I can’t speak to her for days onend.
I sigh. Clench my fists and close my eyes. What good will all this self-doubt do me? Questioning things won’t change them. I have my orders and there’s no choice but to followthem.
There’s no way through this but forward. When she wakes up, I’ll explain to her what’s happening. We can start building a plan on how to get through this and come out stronger on the other side. If we’re meant to be, we’ll survive this. And damn it, I know we’re meant to be. I just know it. How can something that feels this right break under something as trivial as a few months apart? Lexi and I are built from the kind of stuff that lasts forever. What’s a few months in the face of a lifetime?
This deployment will not breakus.
It will only prove how strong weare.