Page 44 of This Is Why

“Isn’t that what you call your rocks at home?” I ask Gabe. “Your treasures?”

Gabe nods. “Yep. Because they look like rocks, but when you look closer, they’re filled with crystals.”

Ty crouches and wraps an arm around Gabe’s shoulder. “How cool is it that we both find treasures everywhere wego?”

I study the books, mostly non-fiction, but focused on a vast array of subjects. It makes me smile because I can imagine him here, hooked on a new topic, hunched over a book, devouring all the information he can find until he considers himself proficient. The few fiction titles are surprising. JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. GRR Martin’s Game of Thrones. A thick book by Richard Adams, titled Maia, with a gorgeous cover featuring a white-haired girl with a crown of flowers.

I run a finger over the embossed image on the cover before putting the book back in its place. “I never pegged you as a fantasy reader.”

“Oh, come on.” Ty lifts his arms in a questioning gesture. “Shocking new worlds? Political intrigue? Sweeping landscapes unlike any I’ll ever see no matter how many times I’m deployed?” Ty grins. “I’ve got the heart of an explorer, Lex. These books take me places I can nevergo.”

I shake my head. “That’s a lot of fancy words to cover up the fact that you’re a closet nerd. I never would have guessed.”

Ty holds out his hands. “Nerds rule the world, sweet stuff.”

Gabe looks up from where he’s crouched in front of the rocks. His eyes sweep across the rows and rows of books and then land on his father. “Knowledge is power, rightTy?”

Ty bobs his head and purses his lips. “That’s right. And if you can’t find someone with the answers to your questions, what do youdo?”

Gabe grins. “Look for it yourself because someone is sure to have written itdown.”

The exchange makes me smile but judging by the look on Ty’s face, it touches him somewhere deep, somewhere real. I try to imagine what it must be like for him, meeting this little person who is so obviously part of him, especially given Ty’s desire to be a gooddad.

I can’t.

I can’t imagine missing six years of my son’s life and trying to figure out how to make up for lost time while knowing that’s an impossibility. Lost time is just that. Lost. For the first time ever, I fully regret giving up so easily on finding Ty when I discovered I was pregnant.

What would have happened if I’d tried harder? Would he have come home to meet his son? Spent less time in Afghanistan and more in Brookside? What joys have I stolen from him? These are not comfortable thoughts. I take Ty’s hand and give it a squeeze. He smiles down at me and I stare up at him, wishing I could let him see into my head and heart, wishing he could see straight through into my memories so he could share the beautiful burden of Gabe’s infanthood, the trying glory of his toddlerhood, and the plethora of silliness that culminates the entirety of hislife.

Ty crinkles his brow. “What are you thinking?”

“Deep thoughts.”

“Feel like sharing?” His eyes soften, such a gentle look on the face of a man who lives the life of a warrior.

“Later.” I glance at Gabe who has abandoned the rocks in favor of the pictures and Ty nods with understanding.

“Who are these people?” Gabe points at a picture of Ty surrounded by several other men, each of them in fatigues. Ty’s the only one smiling while everyone else stares sternly outward.

“Those are some of my friends. This is Mike, and Duke, and Graeter.” He points to each man in turn. “We went through basic together. They might as well be my brothers even though I really haven’t seen them since.” The sadness in his eyes tells a tragic tale and I’m glad when Gabe moves on to the next picture.

“This kid looks like me,” he says, pointing to an old photo of a little boy holding hands with an even smallergirl.

“Actually, you look like that kid.” Ty crouches beside Gabe. “That’s me,” he says with a smile. “And that right there is Paige, my sister. You met her yesterday.”

Gabe lets loose another massive yawn. “Was that really only yesterday? It feels like foreverago.”

“It has been a long day.” Ty straightens. “What do you say we get some food in our bellies and start thinking aboutbed.”

And for the first time in the history of the world, Gabe doesn’t protest at the mention of sleep.

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