Page 40 of This Is Why

“Gee, Ty, it’s so good of you to drop by.” Paige comes out of the living room, bouncing a fussy Leo in her arms, her words dripping with sarcasm. “I’m sorry the landscaping isn’t up to your standards. I’ve been a little busy. What with the new baby andall.”

“All I hear are excuses.” I wrap my sister in a one-armed hug. “Our little lion sounds angry.”

“He’s been testing out his roar all day.” Paige smiles at me and then looks at Lexi and Gabe in turn, her smile deepening.

I wrap an arm around both of their shoulders. “Paige, I’d like you to meet Lexi andGabe.”

My sister lifts a hand in greeting. “It’s a pleasure to meet both of you.” She grins at me, pleased as punch to have us all at her house. She swoops us into the living room and before I know what’s happening we’re all laughing and talking like old friends. When Leo settles down, Lexi takes a turn holding him and Gabe cracks himself up by trying to emulate Leo’s funny faces.

There are several defining moments in a man’s life. His first crush. The first time he has to defend himself. The first time he finds himself in a situation with no clear right answer. The first time he realizes a friend is dying. You don’t always know when they’re going to happen, but you know you will leave the situation forever changed. The way you react, the things you see, they propel you forward into a new version of yourself, weaker, stronger, more understanding, less satisfied. This is one of those moments. Sitting here with my sister and her son, watching her laugh with Lexi andGabe.

It’s such a simple thing. There’s nothing happening, no bombs exploding, no sirens going off, nothing more than idle conversation with the people I care about most in this world, but I know I want more of this feeling. If I could capture it, I’d bottle it up and sell it and solve all the problems of the world because surely, surely if people felt like this more often, there’d be no war, no fighting, no petty squabbling over power and gold because all that matters is righthere.

We finish up with my sister and I squeeze her tight. “I love you, Paige,” Isay.

“You better,” she replies. There was a time she used to finish that statement with because you’re all I have in the world. She stopped saying that right around the time she met her husband, and now, with Leo in her arms and a smile on her face, she looks like a woman who has all she could ever want. “You be safe,” she says before pulling out of myarms.

The drive to Carmichael Farms takes us away from the populated part of Brookside and out into farmland. The road narrows and stretches out in front of us, infinitely long as it cuts through the landscape. We pass small farms, with dilapidated barns standing out proud against the cloud-dotted sky and then long sections where trees stand tall on either side of the road, the fading sunlight filtering through the canopy of leaves. When I was younger, staying in Brookside sounded like a life-sentence of monotony with a whole lot of not much to do and nowhere to go. But now, after being gone so long, I realize how beautiful it is here. The simplicity is peaceful. I wonder how long I would feel that way if I stayed.

When we pull into the driveway at the farm, we find Claire waiting out front with their dog Pogo. Girl and dog both bound across the yard towards the car, her hair and his ears streaming behind their respective heads. Claire grabs Gabe by the arm and pulls him into the house, his overnight bag bouncing against his back. David and Michelle are on the front porch, reclining in a pair of Adirondack chairs. They stand and wave and we’re engulfed in a swirl of activity until the women follow the kids inside so Lexi can say goodbye to Gabe and I’m left standing in the grass with David as the sun sets behindus.

“You sure about this?” David shoves his hands in his pockets and stares me straight in theface.

“Zero doubt, my friend. Zero doubt.”

He shakes his head. “I never thought I’d see the day where you even considered a serious relationship with anyone but your fellow Marines.”

“You and me both, my friend.” I slip my hands into my pockets and lean against Lexi’s car. “But I’m wrestling with big thoughts, man. Stuff I don’t really know what to do with. Stuff that’s bigger than me. Bigger than the Marines, even.”

“Bigger than the Marines?” David rakes a hand through his hair. “Likewhat?”

I let out a long breath, searching for words to explain feelings I haven’t made sense of yet. “It’s like I don’t just want to provide for Lexi and Gabe, I want to be there for them, too.” I shake my head, dissatisfied with the explanation. “I want to create a family like you have here but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to do that with things as they are now. I’m a Marine. That’s not just my job, it’s my definition of self, you know? I’m nowhere close to retiring, and let’s say I resign my commission. What am I as a civilian? How do my skills translate into something I can make a living with?” I suck in my lips. “I don’t know how to be the kind of father I want to be and remain who I am at the same time. I’m afraid that those two versions of myself can’t exist together.”

“Then why go through all this? Why get closer to them if you’re not sure you’re going tostay?”

A rush of anger lights in my belly. “Because nothing is impossible, man. Nothing. Just because I don’t see the solution yet doesn’t mean I won’t find the solution.” I smile at my friend, quenching the anger with positivity. “And this way, I’ve got three more weeks to figure itout.”

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