Page 168 of Bride of Choice

“What are you going to do, beat him with squash?” I mumbled, eyeing him funnily. “Gag him on a tuber?”

“No.” A slow, evil grin crossed my partner in crime’s face as he pulled out a pale looking tuber and began to peel it. “Beats Rek at own games.”

Staring at him in surprise, pride and a smidgeon of what the fuck mixing, I motioned for him to continue.

With everything set up, Boog slipped out, leaving Odix, Gopher, and me to work out the dynamics of our little charade.

I’d admit, this was probably the weirdest fucking thing I’d done yet.

After Boog had left, it had been sort of a who was going to do what, private conversation between just the three of us kind of deal. The fact they’d both agreed to this cockamamie thing in the first place put them somewhere between just as crazy as me and fucking awesome.

Berkr pounded on my door, demanding that I open up. We’d already been playing our parts for a bit, the moment Odix had announced he heard steps coming closer.

He pounded several more times before throwing it open and marching right in like he had any kind of right to. “Rek say Jo him’s mate,” he’d started off, sounding as exasperated as the rest of us with Rek’s backhanded bullshit. He got one look at what looked like Gopher’s length plugging one hole, Odix, crowded in behind me the other, their soft grunts and my overdone moans filling the air as I squirmed on pale, phallic shaped, carved vegetables that looked scarily realistic from a distance, and quickly excused himself from the room.

The fact Boog had gotten the whole idea from something he’d heard thirdhand about Rosa and her mates from Doogie, the apparent gossip of the family, who’d heard it listening in on a convo between Bia and Noyel, yeah, I wasn’t ready to tackle that mind fudge. Ever.

We kept up our act for a moment longer, my movements slowing as Berkr’s bitching about Rek being a nuisance, from what Odix had offered of the hall monitor’s loud grumblings, fading into the distance.

“What do this?” Odix muttered aloud, holding up the carved, fat hunk of veggie designed to look like part of his junk he’d removed from where it had been pressing up against my anus, to hold it up.

Taking it from him, I tossed it into my fireplace. “It was poking my asshole. Kill it with fire,” I told him, making Gopher laugh while Odix’s brow furrowed in thought.

“Jo?”

“Hmm?” My gaze met Gopher’s as he fiddled with the hoo-ha designated vegetable still in his hand.

“Jo need… smell like Odix, Gopher.”

“I need to smell like you,” I echoed, glancing between the pair. Frowning, I grumbled, “I thought we were just going to pretend, to trick Berkr and get Rek to knock it off.”

“Bum-bum nose better. Smells goot,” Odix offered, looking as unsure of Gopher’s comments as me.

“He can smell over the dust of shame?” I blurted. This was news to me. Could he smell long range? Like, could he help me find Fuck and Run? My mind buzzed with possibilities. As to our current dilemma, I had to point out, “Why would Bum-bum give a crap? He made it very clear when we last met that he didn’t want anything to do with me.”

“Why him follow Joadnee ‘round all times then? Doogie say Mina say it lurking. Him lurker. Why him lurky, he no want?” Odix grumbled, looking about as confused as I felt about all of that hot mess.

Glancing between Odix and Gopher, I mumbled, in thought, “Technically, Gopher and I are already mated. Really, Rek just needs to think I picked Gopher as first mate, right?” But that wouldn’t work because of Gopher’s, erm, issue… Which Odix had no problem pointing out.

But then it clinked. “Who says we actually have to do anything with each other, for real?”

“Now Odix ‘fused,” the big male rumbled between loud, halting grunts.

How did I put this plainly? “The filling needs to be in the pie, but it’s not like we have to, you know-”

Odix made a frustrated noise while Gopher sat there, still as a statue, listening. “We talk food or making babies? Too many funny words!” the big male admitted.

“We just need to convince Rek we’re all fully mated, right? It doesn’t have to be true.” He wanted blunt. Here we go. “We don’t need to fuck until you come like there’s no tomorrow and fill me up, it just needs to seem that way.”

Gopher shifted uncomfortably.

“Ah- erm- We don’t have to do anything. It was a lame idea. Forget about it.” Waving the idea off, I was racking my brain for a better idea when Odix grunted out, “Odix touch self, then puts grrr-argh in Joanie. Rek think Odix mate Joadnee, leave Jo ‘lone.”

Turning to him, I stared up into his frowning mug. “You’d do that? I mean, you’re okay with that?”

Puffing out his chest, Odix rumbled, “Odix pretend first mate.”

Well, that could work…

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