Page 132 of Bride of Choice

Booger shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably, clearing his throat repeatedly. He couldn’t make eye contact, which screamed I know what I did was wrong. He better! He kidnapped a human! Have we not had many a conversation about this very thing?!

I’d say this wasn’t my circus and those weren’t my fucking monkeys, but, my god, weren’t they?!

One look at the shock on that poor ginger they had trussed up’s face and I cursed. “What the fuzzy nuglets, guys? We’re taking prisoners now?” My scowl was instant.

“No,” Rek barked sharply. “Bauheg took Mall-butt. Female no see. Took sleepy drink. Make the noises Jo-jo-knee does. LOUD.” Mimicking a god awful snore I most certainly have never made in my whole damned life, swear to BOB, I glowered at him and rolled my eyes.

“I do not do that,” I informed him tartly. “But whatever.” My hand lifted and I rolled it on my wrist, flicking my fingers at Rek, waving off his stupid comment.

“That’s not my name,” their victim huffed out quietly, right before she decided better of kicking up a fuss right now and clamped her lips shut.

What the hell had they done to her?

Putting a pin in all that for a sec, my focus lasered in on the green-eyed devil looking mighty guilty.

“Really?” My bitch meter broke, flying off the charts as my anger, and I’d admit a bit of that green jelly filling me, had its way. “Care to tell me why you’ve got her all trussed up like a carcass you’re cartin’ home and tied down then? Get yourself a little treat with you while you were out tricking?” I was just getting warmed up. The fool looked like he knew this and was bracing for impact. “And you, what, were just okay with Booger pickin’ up a little snackerel of a ginger witchypoo, hmm?” My finger jerked at Booger. “Booger land on her and squish something? Y’all get a bad case of guilt? Full of sorries?” Psycho bitch mode activated, I let it fly, my voice devolving into sugary sweetness, condescension dripping from my lips.

Thick frame stiffening, Bauheg ended up garbling out some stop and go nonsense about how I was butchering his name, a fact he only harped on when he was feeling fussy, finally managing to get out, “Jo-joansie not funny.” A soft grunt left him. “Baw-heg.”

Spewing some classic Joanie snark, I got down to the root of my ire, besides the whole kidnapped lady thing. “What was in it for him, huh? What does Anal Rektus get outta grabbing her?”

“Not for Rek,” Booger said after a long pause.

Rek blink-blinked a few times as my face puckered up mulishly, until I looked like I’d just tossed back liquified Lemonheads.

“Rek no want wish! Not Rektal or mane-dale rektus! Bad female. Me Rek. Rek. Rek is Rek! Wish curse! No want!” Disgust laced his tone. I detected a hint of offense but I was distracted, what with the kidnapped human and all.

I shouldn’t feel as relieved as I do but there it was.

With that out of the way, I thought it fitting to sharpen my claws on the bride nab aiding dick. Besides, half of that nonsense he was spewing sounded like cow flop. Time to have some fun, Joanie style. “I’m not following the weirdness comin’ from them lips, honey. You’re going to have to come again. Joanie is not computing, you feel me?”

Not realizing what I was doing, I saw the moment his eyes lit up in annoyance. Happy birthday to me.

Just like old times, he threw his hands up and bared his teeth. “Rek no hands on Jo-jo-knee. No say feel Joansie! Female say Rek weirdness. Jo-jo-knee weirdness.”

“Good god, we’re getting nowhere and you sound like an idiot.” Houston, we appear to have a really big pain in our ass runnin’ his mouth here. With a groan, I squeezed my eyes shut briefly.

When I dropped my hand and took a deep breath, I came face to face with a glowering green-eyed monster scientifically known as Rektalus Anikus.

When I opened my mouth to speak, eyes narrowing at the dirty look aimed my way, he cut me to the punch.

“Female wish. Curses. Bad. Bad female. Curses Rek. Curses Bauheg. Rothy fix Babayagi. She take back.” Rek shuddered and grimaced.

Babayagi?

“Too cold wish. Wish cold sick. Bauheg bring. Rothy fix. Wish happy, wish fix. No more curses. No more tricksy feetsies.” Furry arms lifting, Rek made an all-encompassing gesture. “Happy wieners.”

“Happy what-er’s?” their ginger wish barked, glancing to Booger’s crotch sharply.

“Sorry, babes.” Pointing to myself, I told her, “Aside from me, no one else has been dumb enough to wanna come on down and volunteer.”

Booger, noting his kidnapped lady’s interest in his junk, clasped his huge mitts over his happy wiener, har-har.

I had to suck my lips into my mouth, praying it didn’t ruin my lipstick, to keep myself from cackling out loud as I watched Booger pop one at all the attention his pretty ginger wish was paying his genitalia. Ginger quickly glanced away, looking elsewhere, when she noted that telling bulge.

Alright, I know I shouldn’t be condoning any of this shit but go, boogster!

Rek attempted to prattle-tattle on to me more but I’d heard enough. “Yea-yea, bad female, blah-blah- Wait.” I blinked. “Curses? Babayagi?” My eyes slowly widened as I took a long look at the lady they’d nabbed. “Oh, fellas, you did not,” I burst out wildly under my breath. My red lips parted, faboo lash extensions fluttering as I batted them in my rapid blinking shock.

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